When everyone around you is pregnant

[Mollysocks]

Feels stupid posting about this with everything going on in the world at the moment but I feel like I need advice (and wasn’t sure what forum it should be in)

I guess I do want to know if IABU.

I don’t want to go into too much detail but DH and I have been ttc unsuccessfully since slightly before COVID. I have endometriosis, I was ignored for years. I feel so angry about this, constantly, which probably doesn’t help.

My sister, a couple close friends and several work acquaintances have all recently announced their pregnancies and now my other close friend has sent me a scan pic and told me she’s pregnant.

I’m happy for all of them deep down but I feel like this one has hit me the hardest, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the proximity to a negative test I took yesterday, may be it’s just one pregnancy too many.

I’ve actually been reading MN today to try and distract me but I feel on the verge of tears. I mean, I’ve had a cry but it keeps coming.

Has anyone been in this position, how do you cope? I don’t think I can go to another celebratory meal or baby shower and just paint a grin on. I’ve lost one friend as I told her I couldn’t go to her baby shower and she just blocked me on everything.

I feel hurt, so empty and angry. I just feel like why is this happening now? It feels so deeply unfair.

Does anyone have any words of advice. How did you cope if you’ve been in a similar situation?

Thank you

Feel free to tell me ‘YABU’ as well, maybe I need some hard truths…

Oh lord, I hear you. How I hear you. I used to manage a team of about 20 women and there was a time when we had a pregnancy announcement almost every month. Its so tough. Yes you're happy for them etc but so sad for yourself, and so lonely

Nod and smile at pregnancy announcements (I know it's not easy). I used to say 'oh lovely, how are you feeling?' and they would start chatting about themselves and it gave me a minute or so to compose myself. And then feel free to move the conversation on. Just don't go to baby showers and the like - why would you put yourself through that? I wouldn't dream of going to a baby shower now and it's all way less raw for me than it used to be. Whether or not you share the reason for your absence is up to you. Send a card and a gift. No one gets to demand that you show up to anything

I just told myself that other people were going to have to do the cheerleading on this occasion. I just couldn't. Please don't shame yourself for feeling lost and tearful. Let those tears out. You are going through a really tough time. It's natural and understandable to feel the way you do, even though it's hideous. And you're not alone, even though I know it feels that way

It's really tough. The scan pictures are the worst. Don't feel like you need to be at every baby shower and meal; but don't feel like you need to tell people why - just a polite refusal, you have something else on.

Thank you so much @Lottapianos I really appreciate your response.

Just don't go to baby showers and the like - why would you put yourself through that? I wouldn't dream of going to a baby shower now and it's all way less raw for me than it used to be. Whether or not you share the reason for your absence is up to you. Send a card and a gift. No one gets to demand that you show up to anything

I did a few and they just ruined me mentally. It’s just exhausting having to put on an act (not that I’m not happy for them but I am also sad for me and DH) Also because I’m so conscious of my feelings I feel that others can sense it and without knowing my reasons will assume the worst of me. That I’m not a good friend etc. It’s so awful sitting at a meal while everyone shared stories and you’re sat there wishing the ground would swallow you up, dreading the inevitable ‘when’s your turn Molly?’

I opted out of one and my friend blocked me on everything, so now I’m just dreading anymore invites as I will feel obliged to go but yes, you’re right, I don’t need to do anything. I do feel like I need to look after my own mental health at the moment.

@Uafasach

It's really tough. The scan pictures are the worst. Don't feel like you need to be at every baby shower and meal; but don't feel like you need to tell people why - just a polite refusal, you have something else on.

They are, especially out of the blue when you had no idea. It’s like a punch in the stomach. Every time.

Oh OP 🙁 I feel for you.

Definitely avoid baby showers. I went to one when I knew I’d miscarried but was waiting for a D&c. Torture but she is a lovely girl and I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time.

Please be kind to yourself xx

@Mollysocks I've never been in your situation but surely good friends will understand and not block you for not going to a baby shower. That's very mean imo. Did she know you are ttc?

As others have said you need to look after yourself first.

I'm so sorry OP. We've lost 3 babies and been trying for 3 years (now very grateful to be 14 weeks 🙏). In that time some of our friends and family have had two babies. Some have met a new partner and had a baby. At one stage I had a close friend or family member due each month for 6 months. I had 3 baby showers in a row (one a week for 3 weeks). It was hell. I had to pick and chose which ones I went to (I only went to 1 baby shower for example). I had to be sensible about how much I was on social media and how much I saw those who were pregnant. You have to protect yourself as best you can and put yourself first. It's completely natural to feel the way you do.

'That I’m not a good friend etc'

There is so much pressure on women to ALWAYS be happy and supportive and a big cheerleader when friends have life changes going on. It just doesn't work out that way sometimes. You're not a robot, you have your own feelings and experiences and you're quite right that you need to take care of your own mental health

Self centred people who feel entitled to have all their demands met all of the time get worse if anything when babies enter the picture. I'm sorry that friend blocked you, but to me it sounds like you had a lucky escape. The harsh reality is that friendships do change when some people start having babies, and some friendships end.

Well done for recognising that you need to take care of yourself

OP, what you feel is completely normal.

We have been TTC for three years with an IVF cycle that ended in miscarriage over Christmas. It’s just shit.

I have had to cut off lots of friends who couldn’t have cared less when I was at my absolute worst. I was on a WhatsApp with baby messages and pictures every day whilst my fertility treatment was failing. Admittedly they knew I was TTC but didn’t know I was going through IVF but still...the point is I was vulnerable and hurt and yes jealous. We aren’t witches for feeling painfully jealous that everyone seems to fall pregnant so easily when we can’t. We are hurt and in pain, and to be quite honest the only way I’ve felt truly better is to immediately hide all posts on Facebook to do with babies and cut off a lot of my superficial friendships with women who are pregnant or have young babies...my best friend is pregnant right now and I love her and would never cut her off but she is a very different person. She is extremely sensitive and understanding. I am truly happy for her pregnancy...but the majority of the women in my life, I just don’t want to see their bloody announcements!!!

Has anyone been in this position, how do you cope? I don’t think I can go to another celebratory meal or baby shower and just paint a grin on. I’ve lost one friend as I told her I couldn’t go to her baby shower and she just blocked me on everything.

She is a shit friend and you are better off without her.

[quote Riseholme]@Mollysocks I've never been in your situation but surely good friends will understand and not block you for not going to a baby shower. That's very mean imo. Did she know you are ttc?

As others have said you need to look after yourself first.[/quote]
Only family know. I do understand that maybe she might have been more understanding if I mentioned it but I just don’t feel like sharing any wider at the moment. I also honestly didn’t think it’d be an issue.

I had to be sensible about how much I was on social media and how much I saw those who were pregnant. You have to protect yourself as best you can and put yourself first. It's completely natural to feel the way you do.

Thank you, yes I’m having an Instagram break at the moment. I honestly couldn’t cope with the onslaught of baby scan pics every time I opened the app.

There is so much pressure on women to ALWAYS be happy and supportive and a big cheerleader when friends have life changes going on. It just doesn't work out that way sometimes. You're not a robot, you have your own feelings and experiences and you're quite right that you need to take care of your own mental health

I needed to hear this, thank you. I wish I could talk to other women more about this without fear of judgement, instead I’m bottling it up until someone shakes me and I burst.

Firstly I feel for you ,Could you not tell one or two close friends what you are going through? Maybe your Sister as well. Often people dont think and are so thrilled to tell everyone ! Just say quietly to her that you have been trying to conceive as well . As far as Baby Showers go if you dont feel you can face them ,just dont go .If friends are worth it then they will understand .Sending hugs to you xx

@FloatOnBytheStorms

OP, what you feel is completely normal.

We have been TTC for three years with an IVF cycle that ended in miscarriage over Christmas. It’s just shit.

I have had to cut off lots of friends who couldn’t have cared less when I was at my absolute worst. I was on a WhatsApp with baby messages and pictures every day whilst my fertility treatment was failing. Admittedly they knew I was TTC but didn’t know I was going through IVF but still...the point is I was vulnerable and hurt and yes jealous. We aren’t witches for feeling painfully jealous that everyone seems to fall pregnant so easily when we can’t. We are hurt and in pain, and to be quite honest the only way I’ve felt truly better is to immediately hide all posts on Facebook to do with babies and cut off a lot of my superficial friendships with women who are pregnant or have young babies...my best friend is pregnant right now and I love her and would never cut her off but she is a very different person. She is extremely sensitive and understanding. I am truly happy for her pregnancy...but the majority of the women in my life, I just don’t want to see their bloody announcements!!!

I am so sorry for what you’ve been through I feel exactly the same. I could have written your feelings down as if they were mine. I have felt some truly awful jealousy and have gone through phases where I wanted to cut everyone pregnant out of my life, so I didn’t have to hurt.

Oh I hear you. It's so hard. It honestly feels so so heavy doesn't it. Me and my OH are TTC, and we've recently had a miscarriage and a week later my friend announced she's pregnant. It's hard to even describe the feelings. I feel so happy for her, they've been trying for a while, but it's all so raw, and painful I struggle to focus on my happiness for her instead of how I'm feeling. When I do, I come away absolutely exhausted. Just physically and mentally drained. And when I feel I haven't been enthusiastic or excited enough around her, I feel like a horrible person, and hate myself for it. There's just no escaping it. Either way you just feel stuck in this horrible place in your mind where you can just never win.

We need to give ourselves a break don't we. We're allowed to be "selfish", if being selfish is just putting your mental health first, then so be it. It's possible to be happy for people, but not at the expense of our mind.

Also, I'm with you on not telling everyone. It is noones business. You owe no one an explanation for anything. Part of me wondered should I be more open about the miscarriage but then I'd just have all these pregnant woman feeling sorry for me, and feeling awkward around me. So I'd rather not. It just feels too important to me.

@Lottapianos

"There is so much pressure on women to ALWAYS be happy and supportive and a big cheerleader when friends have life changes going on. It just doesn't work out that way sometimes. You're not a robot, you have your own feelings and experiences and you're quite right that you need to take care of your own mental health*"
*
You are so right here. The pressure is just too much. Really needed to read this, thank you

I understand this so very well @Mollysocks. Having been through several MMCs over 5 years of hell (at least that's how it felt), I can remember clearly how excruciatingly painful it was to hear of other pregnancies. It physically hurt. I ended up hiding so much on social media. Hid friends, hid certain words (which you can now do on FB but I used a Chrome ext called FB Purity at the time). It drove me to tears most days to be honest and felt incredibly cruel.

I have no advice really except that I found writing a blog helped quite a bit. Is your partner supportive? Mine wasn't, so I had to stifle a lot of my hurt, which I'm sure made it worse! Can you access counselling of some sort? It doesn't always help, one of mine even said they didn't know what to do with me that I "just needed a baby" (no shit sherlock) but I know it can be very therapeutic.
And sod those 'friends' who refuse to understand or empathise with you. Find better friends!

OP, I hear you too and it's so hard. My time TTC was before the internet so I only had phone calls, letters and in-person announcements to contend with. All my close friends plus my SIL were pregnant with their first baby around the same sort of time, then 2/3 years later, pregnant with their second and then there was barren old me. I felt so jealous, I'm not proud of it but it was out of my control, it was a physical pain and I remember it now, over 20 years later.

I think the 'friend' who's blocked you on everything is very cruel, no-one knows what's going on in someone else's life. You shouldn't feel under an obligation to attend a baby shower or meal, just have another commitment such as a family birthday party, DH's colleague's dinner which has been in the calendar for ages, anything to spare you that pain. I've done it and plastered on a smile, often the friend having the shower will have other friends present who are also pregnant and it feels too much, if I could have my time again, I wouldn't go.

Also, I'm with you on not telling everyone. It is noones business. You owe no one an explanation for anything. Part of me wondered should I be more open about the miscarriage but then I'd just have all these pregnant woman feeling sorry for me, and feeling awkward around me. So I'd rather not. It just feels too important to me.

That’s it, I don’t want the pitying looks but I realise people can’t be there for me if they don’t know, it’s hard.

I felt so jealous, I'm not proud of it but it was out of my control, it was a physical pain and I remember it now, over 20 years later.

This is me, sometimes I feel like the pain has physically winded me.

I ended up hiding so much on social media. Hid friends, hid certain words (which you can now do on FB but I used a Chrome ext called FB Purity at the time). It drove me to tears most days to be honest and felt incredibly cruel.

Yes I’ve vanished off social media I couldn’t bear it.

I have no advice really except that I found writing a blog helped quite a bit. Is your partner supportive? Mine wasn't, so I had to stifle a lot of my hurt, which I'm sure made it worse!

I tried writing a journal but I couldn’t get the words out. I couldn’t express myself properly. I also felt like writing it made it real so I gave in. DH is supportive but then says things like I should go to the meal as friend want me there etc. I know this, I just feel like… I dunno, why does other peoples wishes trump my comfort. Constantly. Does that make sense?

'I just feel like… I dunno, why does other peoples wishes trump my comfort. Constantly. Does that make sense?'

Totally makes sense. You absolutely have to stand up for yourself and take your own mental health seriously

Btw OP, there is a terrific online community called Gateway Women for women who don't have children and are struggling in some way with that fact. They are extremely supportive and welcoming, and sharing on there really helped me enormously

I have to say that I don't agree with cutting yourself off from other peoples pregnancies and baby showers etc. sure hide the feeds on social media but don't deliberately isolate yourself. Your going to need family and friends to support you through this. Be honest and open with what's going on with you - how can you expect them to be sensitive to your needs when they don't even know? You may well lose friendships/relationships that will never recover.

I suffered many many losses and lots of IVF and years of TTC - yes I had a good cry after each announcement and swallowed down feelings of abject despair, jealousy, envy and anger but I'd tell myself that no one gets pregnant to deliberately hurt someone else. Friends and family are about being there through the good times as well as bad.

I know how you feel as I went through a lot of IVF and years of infertility.

Infertility is a type of grief. Whilst IVF did eventually work (& I have severe endometriosis) the most useful thing I did was some counselling. I was in a fairly dark place, I had to take 8 weeks off work so needed to have it to return to the office.

It gave me ‘permission’ to be a bit selfish about protecting my feelings and not to feel guilty about it, but I did find that I coped much much better with the onslaught of pregnancy announcements as well. I couldn’t recommend it highly enough for anyone struggling with the emotional side of infertility.

I felt so jealous, I'm not proud of it but it was out of my control, it was a physical pain and I remember it now, over 20 years later.

This is me, sometimes I feel like the pain has physically winded me.

This is me too, it was like the breath was being crushed out of my chest. I’ve never forgotten i5 even though I am at peace with not being a mother.

Honestly I would just tell anyone you're close to that you're really happy for them but that you're not in a place to talk about babies and pregnancy. Anyone who is even semi reasonable will completely understand, and if they don't understand then you don't need them in your life. I say this as someone who is currently fairly heavily pregnant