To ask for your tips to stop yourself crying?

[buckeejit]

I'm grieving my mother who died at the start of the year so obviously less emotionally resilient than usual, (which isn't great at best). I need to speak to the gp(s) tomorrow & want to cry as little as possible-I can't see not crying as an option

Longer story - My dd is unwell. She has consistent abdo pain & blood in stool getting progressively worse over recent months & weeks. Our first consultant appointment had to be postponed for a month as I tested positive. Went to the rescheduled app on Monday to find out it had been cancelled as the consultant tested positive that morning. I'm a catastrophist anyone so really worried but also feel so bad that I can't do anything to help her but really don't feel like we can wait any longer to find out what's wrong so plan to go talk to our gp in the morning if they're free for advice & to see if they can get a scan done sooner than going private. It's stressful & I consistently cry anyway, but really don't want the gp thinking I'm a total dick. Wish I could put on a hard shell for a bit like other people seem to be able to.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that your DD is ill.

For what it's worth, I think you should let yourself cry if you need to. It's part of the grieving process and certainly not something you should feel the need to hide.

I do appreciate that crying can be unwelcome in public if, for example, you're trying to get a point across and you are hampered by tears or fear you won't be taken seriously. If I am feeling tearful at the wrong moment, I try to do 'random' things to distract myself, such as listing things - e.g. think of a film title for every letter of the alphabet; or planning a very mundane task such as what I need to do at work tomorrow or what meals I am planning for the coming week. I will then let myself cry later on, in private.

I do hope your DD can get her scan done soon and that both of you have plenty of real life support.

I pinch the webbing between my thumb and first finger if I really need to not cry, it helps.

Sorry everything is so tough at the moment. You’ve got a lot on your plate and it sounds overwhelming. I hope things get better for your DD soon.

I think it’s important that you cry when you need to, and also that the gp sees you crying. Why tidy up your emotions for him/ her when they need to see the impact all these struggles are having on you?
Crying isn’ta dickish behaviour x

OP sending hugs 💐 I find if I ram my tongue up into the roof of my mouth and breathe through my nose it helps 'hold' the tears ❤️

Chewing gum, and too late for tomorrow but in future - Bach Rescue Remedy lozenges. Probably a complete placebo but got me through dad’s funeral and my return to work.

Can you allow yourself two time slots per day to cry? I find that reduces tears the rest of the time when dealing with grief

Thank you all for your responses.

I don't have any problem crying normally & do it often. I'm quite comfortable with it in front of people I know but just don't want it taking up time & me getting flustered about it not being able to get out the words that I need to say. Thanks for those tips, will definitely try them. Maybe I'll write down the key points too so I don't get too lost.

I was going to suggest a phone appointment and write yourself a script, that way you can write it down when you're calm ready to read it out when you're less calm.
I tip I was once given was to ensure I wrote my "script" in words as they are spoken rather than read IYKWIM. That way, it sounds less scripted and more natural.
Sorry for your loss and good luck.
Don't worry about crying - your tears are a message in themselves and demonstrate your concern and frustration.

I think you are absolutely fine to cry. Sometimes, however, if I feel I'm not going to be able to get out what I need to, without crying, I'll write it down and let the doctor, school or whoever read it. I find that easier as I've kind if got my emotion out when writing it down.

I hope you get the answers you need soon.

I pinch the webbing between my thumb and first finger if I really need to not cry, it helps

I do this too - it really does work.

Don't beat yourself up about it though, you're bound to be dreadfully upset - anyone would be in your circumstances. I agree that writing your key points down will be helpful though - I get flustered and can't get the words out too and having some notes helps loads.

Also, remember that some people who appear to have a 'hard shell' often lash out at others or even harm themselves when things get too much. That's their way of expressing their despair - crying is yours (and mine and many more of us).

I hope you can get the answers you need sooner rather than later and I wish you and DD all the best

Sorry for your loss...But I agree with some pp's - I know there might be times when it's "better" to cry than not - but I've usually "allowed" myself to cry & to go with it (lost my dad recently and feel like i've been hit by one of lifes trucks) - It tends to release some of the pressure until the next time, and I can do a sort of mental/emotional 'pick myself up, dust myself off' thing. Not exactly easy, and I can/do cry at some point daily - but it does seems to compartmentalise it a tiny bit

I'm sorry for your loss and your worries about your daughter

Someone once told me that if you need to talk without crying you need to squeeze all your toes together really hard (on each foot- you don't need to have your feet together or shoes off!)

I'm not sure if it works for itself or if it's just having something physical to focus on but I find it helps a bit.

Wow, you're dealing with such a lot at the moment. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum and hope your daughter is ok.
I know exactly what you mean about crying, yes it's good to let it out but sometimes when you're so upset it's hard to get across what you need to say as emotions run over. Something I do is press my tongue against the roof of my mouth hard when I feel my eyes start to tingle with tears and that really helps!
Hope the appointment goes well

You are going through it and sometimes it is hard to keep it together. You are under massive stress so if you cry it is understandable. I know it's a cliche but tome is a great healer.

Agree with previous poster re writing it down, so you don't have to worry about missing things. I'd also just say at the beginning 'excuse me if I get emotional, I've been going through a lot' so if you do cry it's already been dealt with so you don't get flustered or embarrassed.

Hope it's a useful appointment.

I run my tongue along the roof of my mouth; I read it somewhere and I have no idea why but it does actually work

Definitely bring a list of bullet points to help keep you on track.

You are dealing with a lot.

Just keep reminding yourself of the importance of using this opportunity to get your points across to the GP.

Tmi but apparently you can't cry when your bum cheeks are clenched tight.

Take a bottle of water with you, I find drinking water helps.

After bad news at various medical appts, I can't get through drs appts without crying any more. I take a note with me explaining that I know I will cry, and asking the Dr to just ignore it. And I usually write down all my questions etc as well.

Lots of sympathy - it's bad enough when you're going through something difficult without the extreme frustration of not even being able to "function normally" because of all the bloody crying. I hate crying in front of people.

Thanks everyone so much for your posts & reassurance.

After crying all last night about this & from wakening this morning, I got it all out to the receptionist with many tears & then the gp with less tears, who eventually saw us & referred us to paediatrics at the hospital & managed with just a slight wobble there. Everyone was lovely as expected.

We don't yet know what's wrong with dd but the ball is rolling & elimination has started & I'm certainly a little less despairing now a HCP has agreed there's definitely something wrong & they've started tests.

Such a draining day though. It would just take me to be a little mentally worse than I am to avoid tackling the mountain that is trying to access help on the NHS. Our part of the UK is ridiculously bad, but it's so sad that I practically have to hammer down a door to get help when the GP could have requested tests like these 2-3 visits ago.

Anyway, I rant. Thanks so much for the tips. Will try them all more in the coming days & weeks no doubt x

Could you write down what you need to say so you won't worry so much if you cry

Oh, I'm sorry didn't realise you'd already been. Well done - you did great!

Glad you managed to make some progress on behalf of DD OP.
Hopefully, now she's in the system, things should progress in a forward motion - fingers crossed.
Good luck with it all.

Oh OP, I feel your pain. My situation is similar but different. Crying at the worst possible moments has been an issue for me. I became weepy at a GP appointment recently (with DS5 there) and couldn't leave fast enough.

Derailing a bit, but I must give a shout out to @autumnboys and @RobertaFirmino for the tip to pinch the webbing between thumb & forefinger. I tried it today, when I could feel myself welling up, and it actually helped! No idea why, but I'll take it.

Hang in there OP, I suspect you may be tougher than you think you are. But 'tis still so hard.