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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is he? I asked one question now huge conflict

26 replies

notsurehowtostop · 23/02/2022 21:01

My husband has been working a lot lately and not taking days off often enough and I have mentioned it a couple of times just as our toddler seemed to be missing him and I'm having a bit of a difficult time at the moment and would like him around a bit more.

He took a day off today for the first time in a couple of weeks and our toddler was very excited about it. We were all in the living room and he was excitedly asking if they can do some play doh together, my husband says yes and they go sit at the table in the kitchen and I leave them to it for it a bit, I kept hearing my toddler ask for colour pots to be opened, then repeating himself, again and again, I start hearing him saying daddy a lot, I leave it for about 5 minutes so not exactly seconds and he's still repeating himself and starting to get upset so I go in. The box of play doh is in front of them, none of them opened, a pile in front of our son that he had clearly been trying and failing to open himself and my husband was just sat engrossed in his work phone sending emails. He didn't hear me when I spoke and then sort of turned around and acted like he'd be participating the whole time.

I said look, you haven't had a day off in a while, can we try and just switch off for one day and be engaged with our son? He said I am engaged thanks very much love. I said ok, well maybe if we could try and be more engaged in him and not your work phone. My husband sort of like grit his teeth and started snarling at me saying don't try and use our son as a weapon against me. I said I'm not at all, but he wants to play with you and you were ignoring him. He misses you. That's all I've said. He went off on one then about how I don't understand the pressure he's under, I'm constantly on his case, I need to respect his job.

I did lose my temper a bit then and said to him I'm having a hard time at the moment and you know that, our son misses you, you can put your work phone down for one hour, give him some attention and give me some time to rest. You don't have to send emails on your first day off in 2+ weeks. He said I know I don't have to, I want to. I said that's really sad to be honest, and insulting to me and our son. He then started saying to go away and leave him and his son to have fun, they are trying to play and I was stood there lecturing them. It was just a really nasty tone he said it and toddler sort of joined in saying yes mummy go away stop talking, which really made me feel like crap to be honest, I told him it's not kind to speak to mummy like that, but when he's hearing his dad do it then he will won't he. His dad said nothing about this exchange which again didn't seem fair.

This was this morning and I've been really hurt all day since. The gritted teeth snarling just seemed so, angry and not something he's done to me before. It went from 'don't use our son as a weapon against me' to 'go away leave me and my son alone' well isn't that him using our son as a weapon against me? I just wanted him to put his phone down and play. Somehow I've ended up being the one in the wrong. It felt like he even turned our son against me a bit, with the two of them telling me to go away like that. I do admit I'm having some personal struggles at the moment so I might be being overly sensitive and maybe he's just stressed at work but I've gone in the spare room and said I don't want to speak to him for now.

I guess I'm just wondering if I'm over reacting or if it was all really nasty? Sorry it ended up quite long post but I wanted to get it out and I don't want to talk to anyone really about it, it's awkward when it's with your husband isn't it, you don't want people you lnoq to know your problems I guess.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 23/02/2022 21:05

Firstly, try not to have these types of discussions/arguments around your child.

Secondly, your husband is a nasty prick. Has this behaviour been recent or has he always been like this?

Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 21:08

YANBU. He acted like a knob. It wouldn't have killed him to engage with his child for half an hour.

Sofiegiraffe · 23/02/2022 21:09

I need to respect his job.

🙄 I'd have said "when you respect me and this family, I'll respect your job".

Hankunamatata · 23/02/2022 21:12

No one likes being pulled up when they are spending too much time on their phone, instant guilt and on the defensive.

Neither if you have covered yourself in glory having a sniping argument infront of your child. I'm guessing your resentment has been building about him working so much. You need to sit down and have a calm chat as you are just going to end up nagging him and him becoming more resistant.

Original poster

notsurehowtostop · 23/02/2022 21:14

It felt like a middle finger to the face to be honest. I've needed support lately and he's been so busy and I've shown nothing but respect. I've cracked on with everything as best as I can, I haven't bothered him with what I've been dealing with as I knew he was flat out at the moment, I've not complained about him working so much despite feeling totally ran into the ground. I only actually called any of it out when he was ignoring our son.

OP posts:

3cats2kids1dog · 23/02/2022 21:15

difficult for anyone not there to really appreciate the snarlyness of it, but on the face of it, you walked in and told him off in front of your child and tried to parent him in a patronising and controlling way.... and then get upset when he challenged that... neither of you seems to have communicated well...

don't really have enough context to know whether his job is high stress/supporting you both that justifies so much time out of the house, but it all does read a bit thay you feel him working hard or wanting to work hard is some sort of insult to you and your child.... maybe he feels the pressure to do it all as his part...

summary... on the face of it he doesn't sound great from your subjective description... but is suspect its a bit more complicated than that... have a rational conversation between the two of you to try and set/manage expectations...

Original poster

notsurehowtostop · 23/02/2022 21:16

Yes I agree our son shouldn't see stuff like that, I just don't think I expected his response to be so vicious and focused on that in the immediate aftermath. The look he gave me when him and our son were telling me to go away and stop ranting, he was shaking his head like he couldn't believe I was doing it in front of him, despite the fact that he chose to escalate the situation rather than just saying sorry, putting his phone down and playing with him. I feel like I've taken all of the blame to be honest

OP posts:

TravellingFrom · 23/02/2022 21:37

@3cats2kids1dog on the other side, he was fully ignoring his son up to the point that his child was getting upset.
He was so engrossed with his phone that he didn’t hear the OP when she first talked to him
So I can’t say he was covering himself with glory tbh.

I have to say in those circumstances, I’m wondering what people would have done?

Stepped in and started to open the pots for the dad?
Not say anything at all and waited until the end of the day to tell him? Which would have ended up with him denying and /or having a go in the same way.

dworky · 23/02/2022 21:42

He's neglecting his child & it's unfair on you also.

TheCurrywurstPrion · 23/02/2022 21:47

He hadn’t even opened the Play Doh?

That is really taking ignoring his child to an extreme level.

So basically, he used your son as an excuse to move out of your sight so he could go on his phone? Quite the asshole then, and no wonder he was angry when caught out.

Others are right in that you should have left it at that moment, then discussed it later, but no wonder you were mega pissed off.

3cats2kids1dog · 23/02/2022 21:49

oh hey i agree his behavior wasnt ideal, pre and post confrontation, but op is still expressing how upset she was that he didnt immediately apologise and do what she said.... this is also an unreasonable approach to another adult...

RedHelenB · 23/02/2022 21:51

@notsurehowtostop

I'd have left them to it. I don't think you needed to interfere in all honesty.

NeverChange · 23/02/2022 22:07

Working a lot lately plus constant email on holiday, sounds like he's stressed and inder pressure.

Shouldn't have spoken to you that way but I would be asking if he's under pressure at work.

RobotValkyrie · 23/02/2022 22:36

Sounds like your DH was being a knob.

Not an unusual male trait: gets engrossed in phone or some other "urgent/important" task, switches brain off and neglects kid(s), gets rightly told off for being a selfish irresponsible dick, reacts aggressively out of guilt. Honestly, men do that all the time.
You need to put your big girl pants on, and give him a proper piece of your mind. But not in front of your toddler, or he will get dragged into it one way or another.

Better approach: open the play doh for your son and model proper parenting behaviour, while dragging your man into the action (e.g. hand him some play doh and expectantly ask "oh, I wonder what daddy is gonna make now") then move away. But have serious word later on.

Concestor · 23/02/2022 22:39

I'd be furious if my husband behaved like that. He was completely out of order and I'd be having a serious conversation about it. In fact I have done with my DH in similar circumstances, because no job is more important than your children. YANBU OP

MimiDaisy11 · 23/02/2022 22:52

He wasn’t behaving well but no one reacts well to being lectured like that. He might have been going to stop and concentrate on it after completing what he was doing. Granted it’s not nice behaviour to ignore a child like that.

It seems though from what you’ve said that there are other issues.

WindsweptPidgeon · 23/02/2022 23:00

He misses you. That's all I've said. He went off on one then about how I don't understand the pressure he's under, I'm constantly on his case, I need to respect his job. Is his job finding a cure for cancer? If not he's just your common or garden knob.

StaplesCorner · 23/02/2022 23:15

How much fucking pressure at work would you have to be under to not even be able to open the play doh for a toddler? How low are your expectations here people? He ignored that little boy who couldnt even access the thing he wanted to play with?

purpleboy · 23/02/2022 23:33

@StaplesCorner

Agreed, why is the bar so low?

DH was a dick, he deserves to be called out on it.

BronwenFrideswide · 23/02/2022 23:37

@StaplesCorner

Exactly.

There is very little I find worse than children desperately trying to get the attention of their parents, trying in vain to get the parents to play with them or interact with them and the parents are oblivious and engrossed on their phone, laptop or other electronic device. If all of that is more important to you, worth more of your time, more interesting to you then why the fuck did you bother having children.

You don't get the years, time and opportunity back with children. No work emails are more worthy or more important than spending time focused on and playing with a child who wants to play with you.

As for the way the husband here reacted and treated his wife he's a Grade A arsehole.

Cherryblossoms85 · 23/02/2022 23:44

Nobody has handled this well. Really confused about the issue of how often he takes time off though. We both work and can go three months with no time off. We don't take days here and there we just take school holidays so we can all be together. Work in general is awful at the moment, across many industries, it can be hard not to get tunnel vision. He was still a dick but you were maybe a bit too confrontational to get a constructive response.

UnderTheSea20k · 23/02/2022 23:46

Nobody comes out of this looking great, your behaviour didn't exactly make things better. In fact it made things worse. We can all agree that he's shit but there are way better ways for you to handle things that don't result in your child being put in the middle (which you both did).

A neutral way of dealing with this: go in and open the play doh, stay playing and say he'll be over in a minute. Leave a pot in front of him, have a word with him about it later on.

After the situation blew up you've basically guaranteed that they'll both have a shit time and you've managed to make it seem like you're responsible when you're not.

Dixiechickonhols · 23/02/2022 23:58

I don’t agree he should be speaking to you like that especially in front of child. He sounds very stressed. Not wanting time off is a massive red flag - could he be in trouble at work and worrying it will be found out in his absence eg not done some work/financial irregularities etc.
I’d speak to him when child not there. Could you get babysitter. Be frank. You don’t want repeat of this morning. How do you both want family life to look. If he’s stressed at work is it temporary or do you need to rethink eg him take an easier role you go for promotion etc.

twominutesmore · 24/02/2022 06:26

I am on the fence. I am not curing cancer but I do get emails on my days off that are urgent and it is extremely hard to ignore them once read - if someone is waiting for an answer or a decision, for example.

I would have told ds that I had to do work for five minutes but would play with him once it was done. I would know it was a bit crap but wouldn't feel too guilty because I'd know he would get my undivided attention once the email had been sent.

I would rather do that than play whilst preoccupied and worried, and rushing a bit so that I could finish and reply.

I wouldn't appreciate being criticised or pulled up on it, particularly in front of ds. I would certainly get defensive and cross if I was expected to immediately comply and apologise.

So I suppose I can see both sides op. In your position I'd have opened the pots for ds and stayed until he'd finished his emails, then had a conversation about it later.

GrandRapids · 24/02/2022 09:09

I don't see anything wrong with the way you handled it at all. It's not as if you jumped on him for glancing out of the window. He was engrossed in an email (that he didn't even need to send) whilst ignoring your child repeatedly asking for help. The way HE handled it was shitty, bruised male ego, can't just apologise, has to defend himself to the death. Pathetic.

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