Am i being selfish

[ImJustMum]

I currently work in a high pressure role within the emergency services. I was FT until we had our 2nd and ive dropped to PT. 1 Dc is at school and the other at home and not due to get nursery hours for another year. Both looked after by family when i work (of which i am extremely grateful) but ive arranged my hours so we only need childcare twice a week for 2 hours, split between my parents and grandparents.

I work the late shift into the early hours and night shifts so the childcare required is minimal. It works to a certain degree but im awake all day, awake most of the night, i snatch 3 hours sleep and start all over again, its hard and im permanently exhausted. DH is FT Mon-Fri 8am-6pm

A civilian role has came up at work, its something im intrested in and its rarely available. Its shift work again but over 7am-11pm with some on call with the risk of being late home if theres a last minute job. Its advertised as FT but id ask at least if PT would be considered. Its more money than im on currently and closer to home and theres a degree to be gained from it, i currently have nothing more than an NVQ Lv3 In customer service.

But i feel like im being selfish even considering changing jobs, it would tip everything upside down and i would ultimately need a form of official childcare and id feel guilty, im home for the Dc currently, im there for plays, school trips etc

But then on the flip side, im thinking why should i delay what i want to do. Im at an age now where i feel like if i dont do something soon ill be in my role forever and whilst i enjoy it, i want more, i want to be more.

AIBU and selfish?

You only get one life, but as a parent, you gave up putting yourself first.

My advice, get a new hobby to spice up your life :)

No, I don't think it's selfish. Most parents need to make use of nursery and other childcare to allow them to work. You're perpetually exhausted, it wouldn't be selfish to be able to be well rested for once. Why would you be the selfish one for working in the day, but not your husband? It's because you're a woman and as women we're always expected to step aside, but the men never (or rarely) have to change and adapt their careers to suit the children.

It's ok to put yourself first sometimes.

In a family, everyone is entitled to feel happy, everyone should have times when they are put first.

You want to change jobs. You're not planning on a ten year mission to Mars.

It's ok. It sounds like you'll be more fulfilled and less knackered.

Your husband works ft. Is he selfish for that? No.

You're a mother not a martyr. Go for it.

You’re not being selfish. Go for it!

Realistically that work pattern sounds a nightmare with a young family.

Def enquire about part time but I do think you need to be realistic about the impact this could have on you and your family. You may be happy to have this opportunity but the stress of juggling may well negate that.

You're surviving on 3 hours sleep at the moment. I'd argue that it's selfish of your family to expect that of you!

Apply for the new job.

I vote go for it. The current set up sounds exhausting and a lot of sacrifice on your part

Go for the job OP!

I was in a very similar position to you four years ago. I worked evenings in a control room. I was mentally and physically exhausted from getting up at 6am with the kids then not getting home from work until 11pm. My evenings were spent taking 999 calls, so it wasn't exactly a relaxing childfree evening spent sitting on backside. I had no time for myself because if I wasn't working I had two young kids with me. A Monday to Friday full time job closer to home came up and I went for it.

We were financially worse off due to paying for childcare. But it was better for everyone involved. My eldest who was in reception actually got to see me in the evenings. We stopped having to lean on family for childcare after three years. (They were happy to help but I didn't want it to be a forever situation). DH and I both actually had some free time in the evenings and I actually had time to myself when the kids were in bed. I still remember how happy it made me to have a bath in peace and be able to straighten my hair one evening.

The job as actually not what I expected and I ended up moving on after two years. But I'm still glad I made the leap.

@Lyonic

You only get one life, but as a parent, you gave up putting yourself first.

My advice, get a new hobby to spice up your life :)

When do you propose OP does this? She's running on 3 hours sleep FFS.

Of course you're not selfish! Could your husband go part time?

@Lyonic

You only get one life, but as a parent, you gave up putting yourself first.

My advice, get a new hobby to spice up your life :)

Funny, I didn’t get that memo.

It sounds like a great opportunity @ImJustMum. If I were you I’d go for it. You’ll be working long after your kids have left home, far better something that gives you jib satisfaction.

You could just get some childcare with your current role as well ?

Can’t hurt to apply! Not sure how likely it is that they’d let you go part time considering there’s a degree to do also, but I’d apply and chance it if I was you. Is your DH supportive?

@mudgetastic

You could just get some childcare with your current role as well ?

It might not be cost effective depending on OPs hours and pay.

I worked 4-10 and DH finished at 5. We only needed an hour each day and it made more sense for family to have the kids instead of paying for ten hours of childcare a week.

You’re not being selfish to want to do it, or to do it if you can make it work. If you can’t find a way to make it work but do it anyway and everyone struggles, then that would be selfish. There should be nothing stopping you going for it and trying to work it out.

3 hours sleep?? What? How is that manageable? I couldn't even do that for a week.

It's not selfish at all.

Yeeah the sleep thing is a whole other issue, i dont feel like im at my best EVER because im snappy and just plain tired all the time. Im awake 23 hours when i do my night shift and that includes 25miles on the motorway!

I just feel like everything as it is works as well as it can do for (almost) everyone .

I have anxiety as well so any changes or just the mere thought sets me off doubting every decision ive ever made!

DH was a bit like ' if you want to' but i dont think hed go part time. He gets anxiety of his own, even like asking him to finish early this week one day due to lack of childcare, he gets all in a tizz just asking.

I just dont see how it would be possible to find someone that would have both kids 1st thing, get one to school, one to nursery and then do pick up aswell until me or dh is home!

It seems an impossible thing but then i guess theres no harm in applying, having the conversation re hours and i can pull out if its just not going to work.

Although money would be more i think having to pay for childcare would leave me on the same.

I dont think family would help, my mums home all day as she doesnt run her business but shes a whole other thread and wouldnt help. My grandparents find DD hard work and i wouldnt expect them to have them anymore either.

@henryandhishoover im a police dispatcher currently

YANBU and your kids will probably benefit more from having a non-exhausted mum for less time than an exhausted one who’s there all the time.

Curious as to what you mean by “civilian” role though, are you in the military?

Hi op
There are child minders who will start very early,but would a live out au pair be better?
Apply for the job see how you get on.
At the moment you are not living,not being 100% in any area as stretched too far,it's dangerous for your health.I've been there and some so I do empathise with you.
Even if you apply and don't succeed,you need to change your lifestyle as soon as possible and your dh needs to wake up and see how much pressure you are under.
Put yourself first.

Oh god, ive just thought of another reason why i cant....our dog!

@Lyonic

You only get one life, but as a parent, you gave up putting yourself first.

My advice, get a new hobby to spice up your life :)

Being physically present for your children is only one way of putting them first. Working long hours to build a career to provide for them, and role modelling a good work ethic are an equally valid way. I don't see how a hobby which does none of these things benefits the children at all. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but given your views it's an odd suggestion.

I’d apply for it and wait until offered to make a final decision. Ask for part time during the application process and see what they say.

Your dog can have a walker or go to someone who looks at pets when owners work. There are plenty of them around.

[quote ImJustMum]@henryandhishoover im a police dispatcher currently[/quote]
This is what I used to do.

Can you look at changing your shifts/hours? My old work was always looking for people to work evenings. It's less shift allowance than nights but you'd get a bit more sleep at least I suppose?

But having been in your shoes, I'd look to get out. It's not sustainable.

3 hours sleep a day for long enough will wreck your health so completely you will be utterly fucked.

A chronically sleep deprived mum is not good for your children so even if you wanted to go down the now I am a mother I cease to be a person with hopes, dreams, wants and needs and exist solely for my children's every desire and after my death I will be canonised..route. It would still be better for them!