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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's a chidren's party invite one (aia)

52 replies

leopardprintisnotaneautral · 23/02/2022 16:27

Sorry I know they're a little tedious but rather than trawling previous threads on the subject I thought I would garner some specific opinions.

DC goes to a very small educational setting (well under 30 in total). It's ages 3-6.And has a lot of very specific goals and aims around compassion, community and developing children's self-esteem and making sure all the children respect, feel respected and are secure, that are more touchpoints.....and they like to talk about them a lot.

Very recently one of the parents was stood at the door almost at pick up handing out what were clearly birthday party invites directly to most of the children as they walked past (basically all the parents are to wait in one area and the children come to us IYKWIM so they were at the head of and slightly in front of this area and the first person the children would see - they'd clearly gotten there early to do this). Whilst talking about what was going to be at the party and later again loudly in the play as families were leaving.

No, my DC didn't get invited, along with a very small number of others, no I am not enraged because I am jealous. I fully agree with responses I've seen on previous similar threads saying children should be able to invite who they want to their parties...although come on they're 3-6 yo (this child being in the middle, a 5-6 yo I agree may have more of a say)....and it wasn't like it was a select few to half, it looked like most, and there didn't seem to be any correlation between those that did e.g. same age/started at same time/same residential location. As I said fair enough but I still think it's shitty at those numbers, there's got be a point where you think sheesh does this look a little mean excluding a few and my word is it not ultra, ultra mean/cruel for it to be done in this way, I mean it's 2022, there are a multitude of kinder ways to have a selective party, it was so mortifying. My DC is too young to have noticed thankfully, but I know one of the older ones who wasn't invited noticed and asked....awful.

What I'm wanting please is a steer on whether my outrage is correct A) and B) should I say anything to the nursery, not an all guns blazing but a come on this isn't right is it.

OP posts:

OwlNoises101 · 23/02/2022 16:29

Do not say something to the nursery! It is completely outside their remit.

sadpapercourtesan · 23/02/2022 16:31

It's horrible behaviour, very thoughtless and a terrible example to the children, imo. If you are going to invite all of the children, then it's fine to hand out the invitations publicly. If you are going to invite a small number, then I'd probably ask the teacher to put the invitations in bookbags, or seek people out individually. If you are going to invite most of the children and exclude 1/2/3, then you're probably an arse and need to have a word with yourself.

I have had the experience of a parent aggressively telling my child while he was handing out his (whole-class, no exceptions) invitations that nobody would come to his party, as her son was having his that day and everyone apart from him was invited. It was 15 years ago and I still hate her.

DC1214 · 23/02/2022 16:31

Personally, I have a 50% rule - invite fewer than half (of boys/girls/all) in a class/group/cohort or invite everyone. YANBU.

PleasantBirthday · 23/02/2022 16:32

I think (A) depends on the nature of the party. If, say, there are 25 kids and they can only bring 20 to the place they've booked and the kid picked 19 (plus the kid themselves = 20), I think that's OK. But no matter why it was done, there is no way the nursery should have allowed a parent to hand out invitations like that - very rude - so I would mention to the nursery that this happened and see what they say about it.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 23/02/2022 16:32

Let it go, this type of thing will happen many, many times in your DC’s life.

5128gap · 23/02/2022 16:35

I completely agree with you. Its not so bad if only half a dozen were invited and the rest excluded, but the other way round is awful. You can't stop it, but it shouldn't be facilitated by the school by allowing it in the pick up line on their premises. So yes, do say something. Also surprised they allowed an adult to hand anything directly to the children on site.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 23/02/2022 16:37

Ironic, given the goals of the establishment. Maybe that mother ought to attend a few sessions.
It's the manner in which they were handed out that is unkind. There are numerous reasons why they might not have invited everyone.

Original poster

leopardprintisnotaneautral · 23/02/2022 16:37

@CrimbleCrumble1 in another setting I would agree, however, without being too outing this is a very specific, very expensive (for that reason not a stealth boast it's just the facts of it) and so grossly at odds with their aims and missions which I would like to think parents would buy into - especially on something like this!!

OP posts:

SoftwareDev · 23/02/2022 16:38

The nursery will have a policy in place that they will not hand out invitations unless ALL children are invited. Alternatively they may have a policy that bans the practise altogether. Either way - they have done nothing wrong.

You cannot seriously expect nursery staff to attempt to stop parents issuing invitations after hours.

They’d laugh at the suggestion! Don’t be that mother!

As an aside - it was crass of the parent to issue the invitations in this way but what can you do?

Original poster

leopardprintisnotaneautral · 23/02/2022 16:39

Exactly @RockingMyFiftiesNot I do support a child and parents choice but at that ratio it is questionable......but the way it was done, just feels so unacceptable.

OP posts:

Jane2658 · 23/02/2022 16:43

Disgusting, I can't understand the mentality behind this. I always think it should be under half, or all the children. When my eldest was 4, all the class got invited to a party apart from him. It was so cruel and I wish I had spoken to the school/parents about it. He is 17 now and I still remember it clearly.

Original poster

leopardprintisnotaneautral · 23/02/2022 16:48

@SoftwareDev it wasn't put pf hours though was it....come on. It was on their premises at pick up, in front of everyone, the mission statement hoes to great pains to point out it's a safe environment where children's self esteem can grow and they should feel secure...ambushing them like this where they couldn't avoid it is hardly making them secure and helping their self esteem is it!

OP posts:

GandTfortea · 23/02/2022 16:51

Don’t be that parent who complains about this .
What do you expect staff to do .
2 of my dc have autism ,and 1 of them has never once been invited to a party ,despite me giving him a party every year at primary school
Not once did he get an invite back .
The other child had 2 invites over 4 years, I did him parties every year …
Parents don’t give a shit ,and can be cruel .
Nothing you can do

incognitoforthisone · 23/02/2022 16:53

YANBU. I do think it's OK for a child to be able to choose who they want at their own party, but standing at the school gates handing out invites in front of everyone is not the way to go about that.

Stompythedinosaur · 23/02/2022 16:55

It is shitty behaviour and I think I'd tentatively explore whether the nursery might remind parents to hand out invites away from school.

The parent is clearly an arsehole.

SoftwareDev · 23/02/2022 16:56

Technically it was!

If you said this was done during nursery hours (the parent popped in the building to do it) then I’d back you 100%. However that is not what happened.

I’ve worked in various educational establishments and they’ve all either had a “no invitations” policy or “only if all invited” policies in place.

Parents use the pick up time as a way around these policies. These are adults doing something OUTSIDE the nursery that is not criminal. I therefore think you are being totally unreasonable to consider complaining to the nursery about it.

Do I agree with the actions of the mother? No. However that’s not the point. She was not inside the building and was not acting illegally.

If you really want to complain then complain to the mother - not the nursery!

AlandAnna · 23/02/2022 16:57

I hate it when parents do this. But yes, it’s not the last time it will happen so I’d develop a thick skin somehow (and let me know how )

moita · 23/02/2022 16:58

It's so cruel. I don't think the nursery should be excited to do anything but very unkind of that parent.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 23/02/2022 17:00

Really awful and shows that parent for who they are. A text would bave sufficed.

My DC is too small to have noticed - this is the only thing that matters.

ElCaMum · 23/02/2022 17:00

YANBU to feel the way you do about the distribution of the invites, particularly because of the setting you are all a part of.
Even if it was a more mainstream pre-school, it wouldn't be nice but at least the parent wouldn't be disregarding a very core value of the pre-school.
I don't think there's any harm in having a quiet word with staff, not as a complaint but more making them aware. It's then up to them if they want to address it in any way.

thewhatsit · 23/02/2022 17:08

I don’t know really, hard to tell what kind of setting it is..
When DS was at a private nursery I knew very few of the other children, even those in his room. Some probably got picked up or dropped off earlier/ later and I never once met the parents, some might have only been there term time or specific days. A few children he used to talk about I knew and sometimes met those parents but I could never have invited the whole setting as I had no idea who they were and DS probably was barely aware of the ones that didn’t interest him.

He’s at school now and it’s different. I know every child by name, know most of the parents and whole class parties are the norm. Inviting say 18 of the 24 in the class would be rude.

CurbsideProphet · 23/02/2022 17:13

Is this Montessori?
If so, yes I'm imagine it does go against their ethos. Though surely a lot of parents have selected Montessori for the facilities etc and not because they fully believe in the ethos?

HotWaterAndLemon · 23/02/2022 17:17

Most 5/6 year olds will not want a 3 year old at their party.

The parent probably wanted to get all the invites out in one go rather then spend their pick up trying to catch the children or parents.

Also a lot of places are limiting numbers because of covid so while you say several times it’s less then 30 that isn’t really relevant. My child’s party was limited to 15 children.

does this look a little mean excluding a few and my word is it not ultra, ultra mean/cruel for it to be done in this way
No. You say yourself your child wasn’t even bothered.

LittleOwl153 · 23/02/2022 17:18

@sadpapercourtesan that's awful. I hope you kid did get a good party!

Original poster

leopardprintisnotaneautral · 23/02/2022 17:19

@thewhatsit so not a primary school....but much much closer to a primary class in set up than private daycare.....pick up is at the same time for all children. It would be like 80/85% of your DC's individual class being invited.

OP posts:

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