I need some advice from other mums. I’m 24 and a single mum. Maybe some reassurance that I’m not going mad and how to deal with guilt of my daughter not having a dad. I never expected to be a single mum and with everything else going on want to make sure I’m doing the best for my daughter and to not feel so alone. I also need some advice in terms of AIBU?
As a bit of background. My ex partner (25) got involved with another women behind my back when I was 6 months pregnant.
She messaged me herself to tell me she’d been seeing him. His friend informed me she had been chasing him for dates and informing him he was trapped after founding out he was having a baby after speaking at a party while I was in hospital. When I found out obviously I was upset and distanced myself from him but I still invited him to scans and regularly updated him after appointments. I wanted to remain amicable for our daughter. Two weeks after I found out about this girl and on the evening of my scan (he was attending) This girl and a friend of hers (who I mutually know through work but have never been friends with and definitely not involved with) came forward to my ex and his family claiming to be the BD of my baby. This ruined my scan and from this point on my ex stopped contributing. I spoke this over with his family. I denied the claims and agreed to a DNA as I had nothing to hide. Following this I began to receive threats and abuse on social media from this girl, her friends and anonymously. These included threats to my then unborn child. I reported this to the police and there was limited things they could do apart from advise me to delete my social media which I did. My mother met with my exes sister and mother and informed them of the abuse and showed them some of the direct messages.
The abuse continued through friends, colleagues, family and associates receiving messages on social media enquiring if I had slept with them and if they were the bio dad of my daughter. I spoke with my ex about it and he denied any knowledge of what his girlfriend was doing and said he wanted to be there for his daughter and would stop seeing her (i didn’t care if he did or not just wanted my pregnancy and information about me and my daughter kept private from her). The abuse continued and I went back to the police, my ex asked to be involved as images of my daughters baby scans were being used on the social media accounts that only he had (displayed in his home). I gave permission for him to speak to an officer on my behalf. I then heard the investigation had reached a close
and there was little they could do.
By 7 months of my pregnancy I hospitalised with bleeding after speaking with him on the phone I received a message from his new partner asking why I was speaking to her boyfriend. I didn’t contact my ex again. I reported further abuse to the police and within the crime report it stated he had given a statement calling me jealous and stating I was making up the claims as I was desperate to break him and his new partner up. The investigation was reopened and continues to this day.
I then completely cut contact with him but offered updates through his sister when she contacted me. I received abusive messages from him directly saying he didn’t want to be involved and never contact him again (this was confusing as his family would contact trying to speak with me on his behalf) When my daughter was born he messaged to ask to visit her and when I said he couldn’t come to the hospital (because of covid) he said him and his new partner would be taking the baby. I asked him to organise contact through my father as I didn’t want to be threatened or argue and just wanted to focus on my daughter (I had asked this many times before but he had refused to speak with my family and kept trying to restart contact and trying to tell me he wanted us to be a family again, I didn’t want this and just wanted him to be a dad to his daughter not my partner)
He messaged asking me to put in writing I was denying him contact (I never have) I responded stating this wasn’t the case and if he wanted to organise a visit he should speak with my parents. He never contacted them. Though his parents did a month later. At which point the abuse had escalated to the point of leaflets describing me as a sex worker with my contact details on them being distributed in the local area, messages sent to anyone I knew claiming I had sexually transmitted infections, I had assaulted my daughters dad to get pregnant and that I was harming my daughter. My dad informed my exes parents of the continued abuse and they were not aware (they claimed the new partner had told them the police had informed her all the allegations were false although they had not spoken with her).
I did the requested DNA test (which proved my ex was the father) as several men (many I hadn’t met) had come forward through his new partner to his family and my ex claiming to be my daughters real dad. His parents and him attended and met his daughter. They claimed the abuse was a hacker and the real life occurrences where a look a like of his new partner. My ex was shocked by the messages from his accounts and denied any knowledge of them (most of them were sent in the middle of the night and he said it must have been someone else who had access to his accounts) They looked over all of the evidence. After the results came back they messaged my dad and asked to organise a meeting between my parents and the new girlfriend (to clear her name and discuss her and my exes involvement with my daughter) my parents refused as the abuse continued. I began to receive threatening phone calls, disgusting texts from my ex, emails claiming to be from social services. People were told I live in a brothel and messages from my exes social media claiming my daughter had died where sent to my friends.
After my parents refused to meet this girl (none of us would have been happy to be in a room with her and it was out of the question that she ever be involved with my daughter). We didn’t hear from my exes family again until at Christmas a card arrived signed from my ex and his new partner for my daughter via email in the middle of the night stating next year she’d be with her real family were ‘mummy and daddy love each other very much’. The following morning vouchers arrived from her grandparents and her dad (nothing from the new partner) I haven’t spent them and just put them away. On my birthday (at which my daughter was 6 months old) a welcome to the world bear arrived addressed solely to my daughter signed from extended family members. The abuse has continued to escalate to the point I have changed my phone number, have no social foot print, speak to only my immediate family (out of fear of hearing further things) don’t leave my home and have suffered physical and mental health effects. Though I have sort help and having an amazing support system.
AIBU to send back the gifts to the address on the box of the extended family. My family have told me it’s petty but I’ve got so much anger at how these people have treated my daughter and myself and think they have the right to send a £5 gift. I feel so much guilt about my little girl having no involvement with her family and for some stupid reason feel upset about it. My daughter is the happiest little girl and I have amazing support from my parents and siblings and I know I’m doing my best and that she has everything she needs. But I feel like I can’t move past this I worry constantly about more harassment and I have no life anymore not going out or speaking with friends when I had a busy social life before. I’m also worried about returning to work (my ex was a customer that’s were we met) as the harassment has extended into my workplace though my bosses have been so understanding. I haven’t been able to get over a break up of my family because it’s like I can’t move on with constant reminders.
There’s been so much more stuff that I haven’t even got space to include. I just need others perspectives of how other mums would deal with all of this and if anyone has had any similar experiences.