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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave him over this?

20 replies

HFG37 · 21/02/2022 19:25

Back story - been together 15 years and have 2 DC ( 8 and 12.) He was so kind and funny when we met. However he has become permanently distant, grumpy, stressy, and a little bit mean to be honest. We have no sex life, he moved out of the bedroom 4 years ago saying I snore. I probably do, but so does he. We haven't had sex in probably 7 years. I know the kids can be stressful, I know his job can be stressful and I have been patient and understanding, at the back of my mind thinking that when the children are older we will have the time and space to work on our relationship. Anyway, I thought I/we had made progress since last year I persuaded him to drop a day a week, we are lucky enough to be able to afford it. I had visions of child-free walks, pub lunches etc, and getting back on track. I was soon disappointed - he has consistently been spending that work free day in his home office, busy. I'm not sure why but a few weeks back I installed the web safety app we use for the children onto his work PC, it tells you what websites have been visited, etc. I now know that he spends the day browsing porn, with the occasional burst of 'legitimate' activity eg renewing insurance, before returning to the porn. I don't feel upset. I just feel kind of icy. I think I'm done here. Would that be unreasonable?

OP posts:

Thehop · 21/02/2022 19:28

Do you want to talk to him, ask him about it OP?

Original poster

HFG37 · 21/02/2022 19:32

@Thehop I've already confronted him, he didn't have much to say since what could he say?

OP posts:

JamSandwich0 · 21/02/2022 19:34

If you are unhappy you can leave.

There doesn't need to be an event that suddenly frees you from this misery. You deserve to be happy, loved and appreciated. You can leave at anytime for any reason you see fit.

Original poster

HFG37 · 21/02/2022 19:36

@JamSandwich0 Yeh, think I've realised that I'm unhappy

OP posts:

MintJulia · 22/02/2022 09:55

I think after 7 years living without intimacy from my partner, I would feel lonely, hurt and rejected.
Thankfully you sound like you have reasonably healthy finances which makes things easier.
I think you need to lay things on the line for him. You want him to make an effort to save your relationship, as you will. If he can't be bothered or if it doesn't work then you'll both know it's over and you can get organised.

Brainwave89 · 22/02/2022 09:58

I think I would sit down and be honest. The relationship is under real strain and it cannot go on like this. Counselling can be very useful. I have benefited from this. But only if you are both committed to doing something. Whatever you do, do not go on like this

FizzyTango · 22/02/2022 10:08

You can leave a relationship for any reason op.
Life is too short to be unhappy.

WabbitsAndWeasels · 22/02/2022 10:42

I agree with the others, leave if you aren't happy and don't want to or don't think it's worth trying to change anything. If you want to work on the relationship then talking therapies might be the way forward to improve communication so you can both understand what each other wants and if there's a way forward. It doesn't sound like it's worth saving if there's actually not really a relationship here, just someone you share a house with. You have your opportunity now to ensure you're in the best position before you move forward.

However I do think you know why you installed the tracking software on his computer. I'm not sure I'm ok with this but I don't think it's actually important here and has probably just confirmed a few things you expected.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 22/02/2022 10:53

Yeah, I'd be done.
I'd also be telling him he's being divorced.
Fuck that shit - life is too short.

PopsicleHustler · 22/02/2022 10:55

If my Dh watched porn, he would be out the door. It's disgusting, vile and degrading. My husband also hates it and thinks it's disgusting.

Purpleavocado · 22/02/2022 10:57

If you haven't had sex in 7 years, it sounds like a marriage of convenience. If you get divorced now ast least you both have a chance of happiness with someone else.

CharlotteRose90 · 22/02/2022 11:15

You both deserve happiness with someone else. I’m not surprised with the 7 years though as if you don’t share a bed it’s hard to get intimate with someone. I also wouldn’t sleep next to a snorer either as it’s soul destroying. Start a divorce. Sounds like you both want it.

billy1966 · 22/02/2022 11:30

The marriage is already long done.

Get organised.

I can understand your Ick.

It sounds like he has a porn habit.

If he gets nasty, tell him that his porn habit is the official reason you are separating.

He has gotten away with being unpleasant for too long.

Bite back and stand up for yourself.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 22/02/2022 11:31

It sounds like the marriage has been dead for years.

IsItTooHotInHere · 22/02/2022 11:41

He's looking at porn because you haven't had sex for 7 years. In that 7 years, has either of you suggested relationship counselling/a break away/holiday/any kind of change to the marriage?

It sounds as though you are both lonely, unhappy people who happen to share children and a house. Make or break.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/02/2022 11:43

I’d have left at least 7 years ago tbh. You’re little more than housemates. There’s a better life out there for both of you, with a chance to either be fulfilled alone or with somebody else.

Knittingchamp · 22/02/2022 11:52

You're unhappy, you only have one life and it's wasted on a bloke who won't have sex with you and spends his free day watching porn. It is not the prince charming you grew up dreaming of. Time to make a change OP!

incognitoforthisone · 22/02/2022 11:57

You are clearly unhappy, and frankly, it sounds like he's unhappy too. He's grumpy, distant, hasn't had sex with you for seven years and doesn't share your bed any more, and he is actively avoiding spending time with you. That's a horrible way for both of you to live.

When you confronted him, did you just ask him about the porn or did you actually ask him how he sees your relationship and whether he wants it to continue? Had you not discussed the lack of sex at any point during the last seven years? None of this has come from nowhere. The porn isn't the thing that's ruined your relationship, it's just the thing that's caused you to wake up to reality.

wishtotravel · 22/02/2022 16:52

I think you should decide in your own mind what you would like to see happen. Is your best outcome reconciliation and to be happy together once more, or do you envision being free of him and possibly finding a new partner at some point. Once you have your answer to this you can move forward.
I think that this prolonged hostility is not a great example of family life for your children, however blended families can also be problematic so I personally would reflect on how whatever changes come about would affect them and how to minimise the impact. Obviously having an unhappy mum is detrimental so it's not just about them, but their well-being would be foremost in my decision making.

SartresSoul · 22/02/2022 16:56

He sounds pretty vile. Has a day off work every week but spends it holed up in his office watching porn all day like a horny teenager? Gross. I think I’d have left a year into the celibacy, 7 years is absolutely ridiculous. Could he be having an affair at all? Much of his behaviour is screaming infidelity.

Regardless, you’d be happier out of this marriage.

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