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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt and pissed off at MIL's comments to my DS?

28 replies

sadpapercourtesan · 21/02/2022 17:21

I may as well say at the start that I am not going to confront MIL about this. We don't see that much of her, she's incredibly stubborn and set in her ways, and it would only cause grief and guilt-tripping which I don't have the headspace to deal with. So I'm dumping it on you lot instead Grin

So we have two sons, 17 and 19. MIL has always been openly critical of our choices for them (state education, not "getting their names down for a good single-sex prep school" etc - plus we're too permissive, blah blah) and we've always politely but firmly shut it down and done our own thing. There have been a few flare-ups over the years, but DH has got much better at defusing these and asserting himself.

Our older son, who is autistic and has had a very rough ride through school indeed - serious MH difficulties in the past few years - is now at Oxford and doing really well. MIL has always favouritised him anyway, because he's very academic and that's what matters to her, but now she's positively fawning over him, visiting him every couple of weeks etc (she's only ever seen them once a year while they were growing up). Not a problem in itself, though DS2 does know that she is less interested in him and is a bit hurt by it and thinks less of her.

DS2 is a completely different kid - in every way. He's clever and quick, practical and utterly lovely. He struggled hugely with A Levels in the pandemic and was miserable. He has, on his own initiative, switched to a vocational course in a STEM subject which could lead either to uni or to an apprenticeship, depending on how he feels later on. He's doing really well at it, has a part-time job as well and is saving for a car etc. If I'm honest I was upset that A Levels didn't work out, I was nervous about him changing - but it was his decision, we talked it through as a family and did lots of research and he made his choice with our support.

So DS1 popped home to surprise DH for his birthday last week and let slip to me that MIL had been ranting at him about us. Apparently she's always thought it was negligent of us not to at least choose a grammar school. If we had sent DS2 to a better school he wouldn't have "dropped out" and would be more successful. It's really stung me. I'm not sure why - I knew these were her views - but maybe it's just the thought that she is bitching to our child about us being bad parents.

Am I overreacting? I need to shake this off so I can be polite to her next time I see her, but I'm bloody fed up.

OP posts:
IsItTooHotInHere · 21/02/2022 17:23

Your MIL sounds an awkward old cow (mine was the same - actually, much worse). You should tell your husband to have words with her.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 21/02/2022 17:26

Wow. She’s got brass neck.

Original poster
sadpapercourtesan · 21/02/2022 17:27

Even her fawning over DS1 is a compromise on her part, tbh - she spent ages trying to get him to switch to a more suitable subject in her eyes. She thinks humanities subjects are for drop-outs and only science and maths really "counts". DS1 is brilliant at managing her though, he finds it amusing. I bloody don't!

OP posts:
BunsOfAnarchy · 21/02/2022 17:47

I think this is where I would personally step in and call mil and tell her she doesn't get to bitch to my children about their mother and father.
What a rancid woman.

OinkyO · 21/02/2022 17:51

What a foul lady. Both your DS's paths sound impressive to me.

Ionlydomassiveones · 21/02/2022 17:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

wildseas · 21/02/2022 17:53

Does MIL have an Oxbridge degree in science or maths? If not I'd ask her what she studied and where in response to her comments. Repeatedly!

Cherrysoup · 21/02/2022 17:59

What a shame. She sounds like my ‘d’m who counts intelligence as more important than anything. I had to remind her the other day that being a nice person (oh, the irony!) was far more important and rating children based on intelligence is not acceptable. She continues to tell me that one family member could have been a paediatrician . He’s currently doing 2 jobs, loving both, didn’t do very well at school, was admittedly hanging round with some dodgy people but is doing well for himself and enjoying life after years of being down on himself.

I’m glad your ds1 is resilient enough to bat away her comments. Some children wouldn’t be and would be horribly affected by her.

TravellingFrom · 21/02/2022 18:01

Yiu might need to have a chat with ds1 about boundaries.

Yes he is ‘managing’ her well.
He is still allowing her to spend a lot of time with him, whilst slagging his mum and dad off.
I’m not sure that teaching that pacifying people , smoothing things over and generally allowing them to be disrespectful to people they love is the right message iyswim.

Zillamop · 21/02/2022 18:03

She doesn't seem to have learned any manners or courtesy at whatever school she went to. Tell her money can't buy class and good manners cost nothing Grin

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2022 18:13

I can't even begin to understand why you don't tell this vile, nasty cow exactly what you think of her. I wouldn't see or speak to this woman. Ever. Your husband is welcome to see her on his own. Sorry, but I could never just stand back like a mug and allow her to treat me and my kids like this.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 21/02/2022 18:17

There is a very useful phrase that your DS1 could employ if she starts slagging off any other family member or their choices: wrong audience.

As in "I am the wrong audience for that view so lets talk about something else". And repeat: "As I said, wrong audience" and make no comment either in agreement or dissent.

In fact you could all do it.

Porcupineintherough · 21/02/2022 18:19

And what does ds1 think? Does he think you should have tried to help him secure a grammar school place?

As for ds2 just let it wash off you. She doesn't know him and no one foresaw whether last two years would be like educationally. Your ds is happy, doing well and if she doesnt appreciate him its utterly her loss. If she lives long enough she may one day come to eat her words, if not still her loss.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/02/2022 18:21

I understand not wanting to confront her, but in this instance I'm afraid I'd have to tell her to NEVER criticize our parenting of DS2 to DS1 again. If she has a problem with the way you parented DS2, she can bloody well have the courage to say it to your face.

And I'd be sure DS1 understood that it's perfectly fine to shut her down if what she says makes him uncomfortable or upset, even if he has to be rude to do it.

BellatrixOnABadDay · 21/02/2022 18:24

You and both your sons sound brilliant OP- both of them sound like they are doing great and good on DS2 for realising he wasn't happy and changing to something that actually suits him, and saving for a car etc. Be happy and confident that you've done a bloody good job.

MIL sounds horrible. Just make it clear to DS2 she's batshit, he's doing absolutely great. It sounds like DS1 has the right idea by laughing at how ridiculous she is.

Phineyj · 21/02/2022 18:26

@HomeHomeInTheRange that's very good - I'm borrowing that!

OP, why is your DS stirring? You say he just ASD so he maybe doesn't realise that's what he's doing, but it's not helpful.

DS2 will get the last laugh of course when he's gainfully employed...

Phineyj · 21/02/2022 18:27

I don't know where that "just" came from. Was supposed to be "has".

saraclara · 21/02/2022 18:30

What did DS 1 say back to her? I very much hope that he robustly defended you, and stuck up for his brother in his decision. Anything other would just be pandering to her, however amusing he finds her.

My grandma tried this sort of thing when I was the same age as DS 1. I was incredibly shy and lacking in confidence, but when she slagged off and mocked my lovely dad to me, I exploded and told her never to criticise him to me again. To my astonishment, she cried. And never did it again.

Theunamedcat · 21/02/2022 18:35

My asd son tells me things you would usually keep to yourself when he wants me to step in and deal with it

StaplesCorner · 21/02/2022 18:40

So you enable her and now your sons have to as well?

AiryFairyLights · 21/02/2022 18:56

You say at the start of your post you won’t be confronting her about this @sadpapercourtesan but Really? I don’t think you’ve much choice!
Your mil has crossed the line by going to your son!
If she’s issues with you then come to you, heck bitch to others but NEVER should it be to your children no matter their age. To me that’s crossing a line and inexcusable x

Rubytoos · 21/02/2022 19:00

It’s old fashioned thinking though, that a better or more high brow education leads to success. Presumably MIL will only be happy if they both end up surgeons or lawyers. I would encourage youngsters to learn a practical skill these days, my brickie friend has earnt >£100k pa most of his life.

Dibbydoos · 21/02/2022 19:11

OP you're not being unreasonable, she was wrong to say this DS1, it's inappropriate. She should have had it out with you and your DH , done and sorted. Poor DS2. My mums the same with her grandkids btw. My sisters kids get everything, mine and my DB get nothing. But she still wants to have a say. What I've said to my DM is she's entitled to her opinion but my kids = my decision. The minute she contributes to our upkeep she can have a say but until then butt out.

Our kids have many ways to make us proud of them, let's not join I and measure them with one single yardstick. We each have our own yardstick to measure ourselves against. DS2 could change the world for the better, who knows?

I know a very famous comedian. We are the same age, from the same town. Several of my names went out with him. Funny guy, but guess what? His brother was even funnier... Whee and what we fo in live is created by us no one else nor our school etc. That comedian went to a mainstream school.

Hope sharing this help OP x

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2022 19:14

@StaplesCorner

So you enable her and now your sons have to as well?
Exactly. Everyone is a doormat to this woman and she knows it. That's why this shit continues, and now she's going after the children.
Holly60 · 21/02/2022 19:40

I can understand you feel hurt OP. However for all the posters suggesting that OP tells her son what to say to his grandmother- he is an adult, and as such gets to decide for himself how to interact with his own relative. He CAN choose to pull her up, but he can also choose to handle it another way.

My own granny and my mum (her daughter) fought like cat and dog. My granny used to moan about my mum to me, but I used to just let it go because a) I got on with my granny and knew she was good to me and b) my mum used to moan about my granny, and I used to just let that wash over me too, even though she was talking about my granny who I loved.

OP yes it’s hurtful but to be honest, there isn’t much you can do about it.

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