To be unable to cope with meetings at work due to social anxiety

[verylowselfesteem]

I started a new job last summer and it involves lots of meetings, mainly on Teams but some in the office. I've been really struggling and I don't think I can cope in this job much longer due to them. It's a shame as I'm good at the other aspects of the job, but I just cannot cope with the meetings.

I get so nervous before meetings that I struggle to do my work. I prepare for meetings lots; I usually have written notes next to me as well as notes on my second monitor to look at during the call. Yet I'm still so anxious before them.

I can cope with the meetings I have within my small team where my only input is to say when I can get started on a piece of work or when I get finish it by. Anything else and I really struggle, especially when we're expected to just jump in and bounce off each other's ideas.

My department has recently made things even worse. Now in our weekly departmental meetings and weekly company-wide meetings we will get picked at random to talk about something we found interesting or a project we're enjoying. I can't cope with that, I just can't do it.

I've recently been diagnosed with severe anxiety but not social anxiety.

AIBU to want to quit over this? Not that it will make much difference as I have a long notice period

Could you talk to someone at work and be honest with them about this? I’m sure they’d like to keep you as you say you’re good at your job, so they may change things a bit for you. Tbh the way they pick a person at random to speak at a meeting reminds me of being at school, I’d hate it too.

I should add, I think you would be unreasonable to quit, you should try and talk about it first with work.

Op, speak to your doctor and get prescribed propanalol. Musicians take if for stage fright, you just pop one an hour before a meeting. It removes the physical symptoms and can make a huge difference.

It’s really worth trying to solve this before quitting

You would be unreasonable to quit without discussing it with your line manager and seeing if anything can be done to help. Such as some soft skills training or revaluation of number of meetings attended.

If you have your diagnosis then I believe they have to make reasonable adjustments.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things in being prepared for the meetings, it is something that gets easier with practice too but obviously you have a medical reason to be finding it difficult.

Can you speak to (or email) your manager and tell them you've been diagnosed with severe anxiety and you're really struggling with all the meetings you have to attend particularly the possibility of being picked at random to speak in the company wide meeting. Tell them you're used to working much more independently and are fine with meetings with your small team about start and finish times but you are struggling with all the other meetings and is there any way things can be changed to help you cope with your diagnosis.

It would be a shame to have to leave if you're good at all other aspects so why not give them a chance to see if they can work with you? If they're not interested in accommodating you in any way then you're probably better off somewhere else anyway.

I'm nervous to speak to my manager as it's quite a cliquey team and I know that word would get around to senior management and I would just feel really embarrassed? My diagnosis is very recent; I was only diagnosed last week although I've had anxiety for probably my entire life.

There is this mindset at work of wanting to increase the chatting in meetings as a lot of the members of the team are remote workers so they want to try and bond us more which is fair enough. But I find it stressful. I think no one would understand why I'm fine talking about my actual work but being put on the spot to talk about something like an interesting news article I've read is terrifying for me.

You should be able to speak to your manager in confidence - if not, go to HR and ask them to do so on your behalf. It would be an entirely reasonable adjustment to guarantee they won't put you on the spot without warning. If you don't want others to realise, then they could still ask you, but make sure they've warned you beforehand.

Have you considered asking your manager for an Occupational Health referral if the diagnosis is only recent?

I feel a bit like this in similar situations. For me I hate being put on the spot and I prefer to have time to think about things before responding to them. In my last role my manager was really understanding and would make sure I had time to do this where possible. It's more difficult in my new team as they are very keen on meetings being very snappy and chatty, and often by the time I've properly absorbed what they are talking about and thought of something to say, the conversation has moved on.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice as my tactic so far is just to sit back and listen. I realise this isn't a long term solution as it makes me look disengaged but I'm just exhausted by it right now.

@Ricksteinsfishwife

Op, speak to your doctor and get prescribed propanalol. Musicians take if for stage fright, you just pop one an hour before a meeting. It removes the physical symptoms and can make a huge difference.

It’s really worth trying to solve this before quitting

OP, please please do this. It will change your life, you will be able to breathe. Your GP won't be surprised at all, it is very common to have this prescribed for anxiety (for meetings, presentations etc). Good luck.

For the bouncing ideas aspect, you (and @Squirrelblanket) could suggest that key discussion points be circulated in advance when possible. I was actually taught that this is best practice, as yes, some people are happy to jump right in, but some people prefer to have a bit of prep time, and you want to be getting ideas and input from everyone – you can frame it about being good for the business/team, rather than a special accommodation for you.

This would absolutely do my head in too - I like to go into meetings prepared and knowing what we are talking about. Random chit chat and bouncing ideas just makes me sweat. It's taken a while but I feel more confident speaking to my manager and acknowledging areas where I am 'weak' because I know what value I do bring to the table in other areas. So now we all understand that brainstorming catchy names is my idea of hell and I would rather die than make a suggestion in front of the team, but that's ok because I do other stuff well enough. We can't all be good at everything.

I think it's worth a conversation with your manager about it before you quit, as you might find there is more understanding there than you expect.

@skkyelark Yes that's what I did in my previous job and it worked much better for me. It's more difficult in my current team because they all obviously feel very comfortable with it and I'm still new enough that it feels awkward for now!

We do get sent agendas for some meetings. For example, tomorrow I have a meeting I've been dreading which is around 10 of us who all have the same/similar job roles. We discuss different aspects about the role. For example, tomorrow's agenda is all about managing a particular task.
I have prepared things I want to say about it, and I know I will find the meeting helpful as it's really relevant to my day-to-day role.

However, I know all morning I'll be anxious about the meeting. Then during the meeting I will not speak unless someone directly asks me a question, and then my mind will go blank and I'll struggle to speak, I'll say something evasive as a way of trying to get the conversation to move on to get the spotlight off of me. I'll then go on mute for the rest of the meeting unless someone asks me a direct question again. Afterwards I'll feel awful about not speaking and I'll worry every time my email pings that it's my manager saying she's disappointed I didn't speak up in the meeting. Then in the next few 1:1 meetings with her I'll worry she's going to bring it up. I'll be worrying I'm going to get fired for not integrating with the team.

I've been prescribed CBT and have to try it out first. I have a follow-up appointment with my GP next week

I take Propranolol for this exact reason and it changed my life. I don't even take it every day, only when I feel I need it.

Your doctor should just give you the proponolol don’t think they’ll make you wait.

Lots of people feel like this honestly. It's so common. You feel like you're the only one, but you're not believe me.

Tips - don't mute for a start. Say something right at the beginning - get it over and done with. Smile and say 'hi everyone'. Be verbal and communicative without actually thinking of your own ideas - E.g. nod enthusiastically, say things like 'oh that's sounds frustrating Sally', 'that's a good idea Bob', 'that's a useful approach Dave.' Anything! I promise you the more you do it the easier it gets.

If in doubt and your mind is blank then 'I agree with everything Julie said actually, plus the point that Mike made about flippertygibbets.'

Propranolol and practice. Over time your confidence will become real and you wont need the drugs any more.

Don't quit, hope the CBT and other things you are trying work. You should be able to speak to your manager and/or HR if needs be.

Seems you have too many meetings for the sake of it, which is not unusual.

@verylowselfesteem

I've been prescribed CBT and have to try it out first. I have a follow-up appointment with my GP next week

CBT can be very effective at what you're describing as long as you put the work in.

Most of what's going on here is being driven by you in terms of your thoughts and behaviours. Which is good because it means it can be changed by you.

@Ricksteinsfishwife

Op, speak to your doctor and get prescribed propanalol. Musicians take if for stage fright, you just pop one an hour before a meeting. It removes the physical symptoms and can make a huge difference.

It’s really worth trying to solve this before quitting

I second this!! Best thing I've found, on top of regular aniexty medication. It just takes the edge off by calming the body down

Talk to your manager. I work in a really meeting heavy work place and when I had a member of staff who was suffering from anxiety we agreed which meetings he would skip and which meetings he would attend and just take notes and not be expected to speak. How do you feel about messaging the group during the teams meeting instead of actually speaking. Would that help?