My husband’s hygiene is slipping, AIBU?

[IWannaGoToTheSpa]

Feel in general his hygiene is slipping and have noticed he smells a lot more and is saying it’s something about the washing that’s making his clothes smell but in my mind it’s because he doesn’t shower every day. Maybe showers every 3-4 days. He’s quite a big ish guy and sweats and the bedsheets smell very quickly.

We have two small children, 1 and 4 and life does get busy, fitting in a shower is hard. But this morning we’re rushing round getting ready to get the children out to school and child minder but all was going well and we were on time, had 5 mins to get out the house. I told DD 4 to go up and brush her teeth and
she wanted one of us with her. He asked, if I wanted to go up with her. I was going to be waiting at home with the baby while he did the school run before coming back then he would take the baby to the child minder (funny logistics but it has to be this way sometimes) so I suggested he went up to do it then he could brush his teeth too. He said no, he’ll do his later. Ie, after going out to school and possibly the child minder too. I couldn’t get my head round it. How can you go out to leave the house and potentially have to talk to someone without brushing your teeth. And he had 5 mins, wasn’t like there was no time. I think adults should shower and brush their teeth everyday. He got shirty with me when I questioned that he’d leave the house without brushing his teeth. AIBU?

My DH can get a bit like this sometimes, it often is when is depression is starting to worsen, could that be an issue for your DH?
I am (kindly) honest with DH and I do tell him when he needs to clean his teeth or shower, we both agree that we'd rather hear these things from each other

It's not hard to shower daily, I would imagine almost all of us manage it!

He's being gross. I couldn't live with someone content to smell.

YANBU. He’s an adult and knows he needs to shower and brush his teeth. He must know that he smells judging by the ‘it’s the washing’ comment. I really feel for you, this is really not nice.
Have you told him outright that he doesn’t smell great?

My DH is like this. I genuinely don’t think he cares if he smells. It’s deeply unattractive.

Tell him that he stinks
Start sleeping in the spare room
And stop having sex

Rather than discussing teeth cleaning in front of the kids and in a time frame of five minutes I would suggest a proper sit down chat where you lay it all on the line. Gently but firmly!

A shower doesn't have to be a prolonged affair. I can be in and out in under a minute if I need to. He needs to set an alarm for an earlier wake up time, get his clothes ready the night before, so that he is organised enough to help without being stinky! But he is a grown man, so should be able to work all this out for himself...Only showering every three to four days would be completely off-putting for me in every respect....

My dad used to do this and honestly I was mortified at the school gate if anybody had to come near us, the teachers, other kids, parents

I really don't see how hard it is to shower once a day and clean your teeth twice a day. I am very lucky and DH and both DS are super clean and always shower at least once a day - they will also shower in the morning and often have a bath at night. I couldn't live with someone who didn't tbh! YANBU to expect a basic standard of hygiene and it would definitely put me off him.

I'm not someone who believes everyone always needs to shower every single day - it really depends on circumstances in my opinion - but if his clothes and bedsheets smell then he clearly does need to shower more often. If mornings are hectic, which I'm sure they are if you've got young kids, he could shower before bed - in addition to the hygiene issue, he'd probably feel much better for it.

The teeth thing wouldn't bother me as a one-off, in exceptional circumstances - but it doesn't sound like these are exceptional circumstances, as he did have time to do it. It doesn't set a great example to your kids to not bother with brushing teeth. I don't think a busy morning in front of the kids was the best time to raise it, though.

If he's saying it's something in the washing that's making his clothes smell, I would point out that your clothes and the kids' clothes don't seem to be affected. Maybe you could address the showering thing by saying 'I know it's always crazy around here but it's not right that you're not even getting time to shower, is it? We need to make sure you've at least got ten minutes to spend on yourself - you'll feel better if you do.'

We have two small children, 1 and 4 and life does get busy, fitting in a shower is hard. What?! A shower takes a few minutes. Your husband is either depressed (any other symptoms?) or just idle and dirty. You need to tell him, either way.

One of the reasons my 20 year marriage ended was because my DH b came unkempt and told me he was happy with it.
His teeth got bad. He never cut his hair. He didn't give a damn when I told him that it was unattractive to me, that I needed him to wash and care about himself.

I decided that this (amongst other things), the not giving a damn about how I feel about him physically, that I was embarrassed by him, was enough. Urgh.

Sit down with him and be brutal. You have to.
I have to add here that it has nothing to do with demanding physical perfection. I am with a man who I am crazily attracted to who is twice the size of my ex and doesn't meet random social criteria, but he washes and brushes his teeth and gives a damn about how I feel and wants me to find him sexy.

Thanks everyone.

I don’t think that he is depressed, but we are struggling with lack of sleep and my husband can verge on the lazy side. Not with pulling his weight with the kids but definitely with cleaning up after himself, picking clothes up (his) off the floor, washing himself, etc. Theres head and beard hair on tjhe floor of his shed/outbuilding thing where he cuts his hair and it has been there for weeks. It annoys me because the tumble dryer is there so I have to walk over it but I’m not cleaning it up for him.

We have had discussions in the past, gently, and I’ve pointed out it isn’t right that he isn’t getting (I meant making) time to shower as this should be a basic requirement. It takes him 5 mins to shower. And he agrees and says he’ll set his alarm earlier and do it but then never does. Half the trouble is that we’re awake a lot in the night but i always squeeze in my 5 min shower. I think he just can’t be bothered.

I really don’t find him attractive and can’t be intimate with him at all. He knows (although I’ve not said it) that’s why we aren’t intimate but he still can’t be bothered/prioritises other things. We have had the convo in the past but nothing changes. It’s making me miserable tbh!

Also, if I was blunt it would cause a huge row as he is also hot headed. It’s not nice when he is aggressive in his tone so I avoid it. Anything else that was said would need to not be blunt as such, but still direct but very gentle and kind. I’m just peed off I have to keep saying got to a grown man. But it’s the way he was brought up - his parents aren’t the cleanest I don’t think but his brother and sister definitely are.

I didn’t really “choose” this morning to bring it up, we were just deciding who to go up with my DD to brush her teeth with her and I thought I was being kind saying he could go to be able to allow him the time to go brush his before he had to leave the house. This came up because ironically, my 4 year old replied to me, “yes mummy, i need to brush my teeth twice a day!” And he replied with words I can’t quite remember but it insinuated he hadn’t done his either yet. When he said no, I just looked confused and probably a bit disgusted that he’d go out without doing them. So it wasn’t a planned discussion in any way, it was a silent reaction. He then huffed and a bit aggressively said, ok, I’ll do them!!! My 4 year old had the right attitude at least!