Over-reaction or did he over-step the mark?

[user1471549545]

So my Dad came and decorated our kitchen whilst we are away. I am so grateful and it looks wonderful. My Dad and I have always had a difficult relationship. He has always been very critical. I believe he is one of the main reasons I suffered with bulimia in my 20's and in and out of counselling throughout my adult life. He was obsessive with my weight and eating and I was on diets from the age of 10. He even wrote a letter to me about my daughter when she was 6 saying she was overweight and we needed to do something about it. Since my Mum died, I have done my best to avoid seeing him but I do see him once or twice a year with his new wife. So at Christmas, he offered to decorate our kitchen for us. He came down and, as I've said before, did a lovely job. However, he has also been throughout my house and has moved things around, moved things into cupboards, he has told us what other things need doing around the house, decided that we need a basin for the sink so we use less water, has decided that we shouldn't be using soap from a bottle but should be using a bar of soap etc etc. I was in a real state before he came because I didn't want him in my house, my safe place, because I was certain he would criticise my way of living and he has just proved me right. I am so very very upset and have just had the biggest row with my OH who just doesn't understand. Do you think I'm overreacting or do you think he's overstepped the mark?

Hopefully your counselling puts you in charge of your emotions and you can see this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, just a minor annoyance.

Has he gone now? If so, take great pleasure in binning the lot of it. Your house, your rules.

Not to make light of it - my father is like this. Opinionated as fuck and it's his way or the high way. You've allowed him to make you miserable for much of your life. Learn to let it go - how you react is entirely within your control. Bin the shite and laugh it off as your batshit father.

Ignore him. Still buy hand-wash. Don't have a bowl in your sink if you don't want one. Don't even discuss it with your Dad. He won't know if he doesn't come over often.

Change the locks. Never give him a key again. Do you really want his criticism in your life? He sounds intolerable. I'd rather decorate the kitchen myself than have to listen to that.

And if your oh doesn't understand I'd have a good think about your future with him too.

He has overstepped the mark but I don't think you should have let him decorate your kitchen knowing something like this might happen. I would draw a line under it, ignore his unwanted advice and go back to keeping your distance from him and don't let him in again !

Yes, he did overstep the mark.

But you don’t have to follow any of his suggestions, in fact you don’t have to agree to anything at all. And while he did a lovely job of the kitchen as you say, surely you knew he would not just stop there. So why let him in in the first place?

I think you need to draw and enforce boundaries. Easier said than done, but necessary. And move everything back the way you want it. You are not a child that can be told what to do in your own home. You’ll use the soap you wish. Tell him “the way we do it works for us”. On repeat.

You’re not over reacting, you’re triggered. Your father treated you make and has no boundaries, if you don’t want to tell him enter to get off, you can cut your contact right back again.
You dh is being insensitive. Sit him down at a neutral time and explain what went on for you. He doesn’t need to understand, but he did need to support you in it.