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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my husband

18 replies

Thequeenhascovid · 20/02/2022 18:28

I’ve been married to my husband for just under 10 years. We have a 4 year old (suspected ASD but high functioning) and we both work. We’ve been through lots of ups and downs (infertility, a lot of financial issues) and now we’re at a point where we can be comfortable. But the problem is, I am not happy. He is okay as a husband (doesn’t contribute to household chores but is working two jobs). But there are certain things that I cannot live with. The first is that he has zero patience for our 4 year old. This morning DS was watching TV and DH got bored so he changed the channel. DS a got upset and started screaming. This led to full blown shouting on both sides and DH ended up hitting DS. I stepped in and took him away and told DH that it wasn’t the right way to deal with it. This is not the only time where he has lashed out at him.

It’s not like he doesn’t care about DS, wants the best for him but doesn’t take any responsibility so it’s just me on my own. Sometimes I think I might be better off on my own (I have my own issues with him and we haven’t been intimate for more than 5 months). The only thing holding me back is that I don’t want my son to grow up in a broken home but at the same time this can’t be good for his development and mental well being either.

The other issue is that I’m not sure how to go about it financially. If I do leave, it will be very difficult as I work 4 days and I’m not a homeowner.

AIBU?

OP posts:

blackcurrantjam · 20/02/2022 18:32

Crikey. He hit him? Not acceptable. The fact it's happened before is a worry... Have to start thinking it through... Cld u afford house you live in? R u renting it then? Cld u rent another house?

Original poster

Thequeenhascovid · 20/02/2022 18:33

Yes we are renting.

OP posts:

Clarinet1 · 20/02/2022 18:35

Sorry OP, but it sounds to me as
though what you need to think about is whether you would rather you DS grow up in a broken home or a violent one.

Xmassprout · 20/02/2022 18:35

Sometimes a broken home is better than an unhappy home.

Draineddraineddrained · 20/02/2022 18:35

He hit your child. Why are you even asking this question.

PeeAche · 20/02/2022 18:36

It is never unreasonable to change your life, if you want to change your life.

EmbarrassedAllOver · 20/02/2022 18:37

As a child, I think it's much healthier for them to grow up in a blended family, than being hit by their parent. And if not hit always, yelled at.

You can do this. I know it's hard but you owe it to your son and yourself to live in a happy home.

Honestly, so many children grow up in blended families etc now that it really isn't abnormal, you won't be subjecting your child to anything worse than he gets now.

PonyPatter44 · 20/02/2022 18:39

A 'broken' home where a child has one safe, kind, caring parent and isn't afraid of being hit, is far better than an 'intact home' with two angry stressed out parents, one of whom gets violent.

auntzelda1234 · 20/02/2022 18:40

Is there any family or anyone you would be able to stay with for a while to sort out something more permanent?

Are your finances separate?

Ludo19 · 20/02/2022 18:40

A broken home far outweighs a violent one OP. Trust me I have experience of this, as the child.

readingismycardio · 20/02/2022 18:41

Of course YANBU, OP! You have every right in this world to be happy and so does your little one. Hitting is unacceptable. Are you okay financially to do this?

Rover83 · 20/02/2022 18:41

We are in a similar boat I've no idea what to do. Our only viable option would be for DH to rent a room in a shared house which would obviously then make it impossible to safely have the children so it wasn't really an option as although he's pretty crap in general he does safely look after the DC while I work

DogsAndGin · 20/02/2022 18:41

It’s illegal to hit a child. As well as removing your child from harm, you should make the police aware, so that it’s on record, and then leave him, and hopefully you’ll get custody

Yogurtpotofdoom · 20/02/2022 18:42

Please leave. You need to protect your child from your husband. He has already assaulted him more than once, did I read that right? This will not change and will only get worse as your DC gets older and more challenging.

D0lphine · 20/02/2022 18:42

Start making plans to leave him.

Hitting a child is unacceptable.

He won't change.

LeifSan · 20/02/2022 18:44

Homes are ‘broken’ when they are unhappy, toxic, unsafe, abusive.

negomi90 · 20/02/2022 18:46

Hitting a kid is completely unacceptable.
Provoking them first and then hitting them is an extra layer of cruel.
The ASD doesn't come into this. Find me a child (who hasn't been abused into not being allowed to protest) who doesn't get upset at their channel being switched off with no warning. (Find me an adult who wouldn't be upset by someone unilaterally changing the channel when they are watching something).
You have to leave.

Sunnytwobridges · 20/02/2022 19:20

I’d rather for my child to grow up in a broken home than with a parent that hits him.

I raised my dd as a single mom and she turned out just fine (excellent student and successful career). Not sure if that would’ve been the case if I had stayed with her father as we were not good together and she would’ve been affected by that.

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