AIBU to be thinking I can’t do this?

[FatPigeon]

Sorry this is another MIL thread. Don’t get me wrong she is a lovely lady but I am feeling totally smothered.
FIL is currently in hospital so she is staying with us as she can’t cope with being alone. Not even in a room alone in a house of people. It’s like having a shadow. She’ll just sit looking a her hands. I’ve offered her books, offered to download audiobooks if reading is difficult as she is awaiting cataract surgery. We have netflix, prime and Disney+ which she has access to. I’ve offered her my knitting or sewing supplies but all of it met with a no than you. She does play with the kids which has been great whilst they are home from school on half term but she was struggling to do a puzzle my 5 year old can manage. She gets confused very easily too so worried about start of dementia.
When I go out and she’s here with her son she tracks were we are in the find app on her phone abs just watches it (same with her son) so I have turned mine off as it feels like I am being stalked. When asked what she normally does at home it’s all about looking after fil, cooking and cleaning. No hobbies.
There is a big age gap between her and fil and he is now in early 90s. She’s been asking for a while if she can live with us when he passed away and we’ve always said yes. However I am now having second thoughts. I am really struggling as it’s like having a 3rd less Independant child or a needy dog. I know this makes me horrible for saying it but I am honestly thinking I don’t want this life. I’ll love to just run away and be alone. I guess I feel I am being unreasonable but just don’t know what to do. Sorry for the rant but just needed to get it off my chest 😣

Sounds like she needs to make some friends. Get her to go to the local womens W.I meetings.

It sounds like she can only process what she knows, ie, cooking well known recipes in her kitchen and cleaning her house. To use the tv, to put on an audio book requires processing and decision making and those are not there any more. It may be due to shock of fil in hosp or due to dementia. I knew my fabulous MIL had dementia when she couldn't cook scones in my kitchen and she also said some random stuff however was able to funtion perfectly in a social setting. As it got worse, a few years later but before her stroke, I realised that although she did internet food shop, she just ordered the same thing each week. On tv, she had it on one chanel which she struggled to hear because she couldn't remember or process how to work the remote.

How old is she? She's probably worried sick about her husband tbf.

She sits and looks at her hands ?
Has she always been like this? Does she perhaps have a learning difficulty?
Stop agreeing to her living with you, sheltered housing would be an option, she needs to learn independence.

Lack of initiation could be down to stress or a sign of dementia. She's likely worried sick, poor thing, but the fact that you've had to have her come and live with you while he is in hosp is a bit of a sign.

Can you give her some jobs to do? If she’s worried and out of sorts she probably can’t concentrate on much. Doing some ironing or peeling potatoes might be more soothing.

How old is she and does she have any friends?

I do try and give her little jobs but I think it’s highlighted that I am a bit of a control freak. I need to let go and let her do more. She’s always been a very anxious person. Hubby never really did any of the usual teenage things as she was always like “you wouldn’t want to go to the pub” and he always just kind of went along with it. She’s always asking “you wouldn’t move abroad” and was upset when he chose to study further away from home and board rather than continue to live at home. I think I will need to try and get her to join some groups to make friends but she is so reluctant to do anything. I guess at the moment it’s going to be hard as she is worried about her husband although she barely visits him. We are driving her the 100 mile rerun journey to visit him. She asks that we escort her to the ward and wait for her (he is only allowed 1 visitor and has to be same one for whole time he is there) but after 10-15mins she is calling to be collected as she doesn’t like hospitals.

She’s in her early 70s and I think I do need to try and get her to speak to her Dr about her anxiety and possible dementia. I just don’t know how to bring it up with her. She watched her mother die with dementia so it will be a hard conversation. I’m also terrified of becoming her carer as I also watched my own grandmother suffer dementia for the las 12 years of her life. I know it’s selfish but I am not ready to be a carer. We’ve just got to he point our kids can have sleepovers with friends and was looking forward to having a night alone for the first time in nearly 9 years.

Be ready with a plan b. Explore local sheltered housing etc where she could have company and independence. Stress can worsen dementia etc.
you are not self. You deserve your life.

From what you've said I'm
doubting that its anxiety and more
control; guilting your DH not to do things, having to be taken to the door of the word, maybe she's used to having very thing her way and expects you to fall in line.

You don't have to do this OP.

You don't have to care for her or let her live with you.

Why is this all falling on your shoulders?

Where is DH in all of this?

Your description of the 'shadow' reminds me very much of my step mother, who has dementia. She is now in a home but when my father was still alive she hated being alone and used to follow him around the house like a needy puppy.

It was definitely the dementia that made her like that as she had previously been quite independent.

It's a difficult thing to tackle but your husband does need to try to encourage her to see someone about it - if only to rule it out.