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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to meet him?

10 replies

sparkycats · 20/02/2022 12:47

I have posted about my friend before. But there have been developments.

Basically, she has been having issues with her DH for the past couple of years. They have both done bad things and it's dragged on and on. They are together, not together, living together but not together. Through this I have been supportive, listening to her, messaging her advice and being supportive.

They are still living together but her DH is looking for somewhere else to live and is initiating the split. she met someone else.

This guy is married. She only meets him for dirty weekends in hotels. She didn't even know his last name for a while. He doesn't want his photo taken with her and is currently on holiday with his wife and dcs. He draws her in by doing and saying certain things, buying her very expensive items, expensive meals and hotels. He's loaded. But then makes it clear where she stands, open that he's a serial cheater and she's just a bit on the side. He broke up with the last women because she was too clingy.

She talks like they are in a relationship, dropping his name into every conversation. Saying she's going to split up with him etc. We are early 40s but it's like being 20 again with the dramas. Should I text him, what does this mean? Etc.

I have stepped back from this as she doesn't listen to any advice given despite constantly asking for it. It's hard work as it's all she talks about.

Now she wants our group of friends to meet him! Like they are properly in a relationship. I don't want to. It would look like I support the relationship. Like it's real. He also sounds like an absolute pretentious idiot with no morals. I just feel so sorry for his wife and I don't want to pretend we re all friends.

But, I worry that she seems to be getting closer with the other friend in the group. She seems more open to listening endlessly about it, although she says she's bored of it to me, and they seem to have closer through this. I don't want to be unsupportive and so we drift away further.

OP posts:
PolkaSpace · 20/02/2022 12:49

Why? Just let it drift apart

Feedingthebirds1 · 20/02/2022 12:55

Now she wants our group of friends to meet him! Like they are properly in a relationship. I don't want to. It would look like I support the relationship. Like it's real. He also sounds like an absolute pretentious idiot with no morals. I just feel so sorry for his wife and I don't want to pretend we re all friends.

She might want it to happen, but it really doesn't sound like he would:

He doesn't want his photo taken with her and is currently on holiday with his wife and dcs. He draws her in by doing and saying certain things, buying her very expensive items, expensive meals and hotels. He's loaded. But then makes it clear where she stands, open that he's a serial cheater and she's just a bit on the side

I don't think you need worry. She wants to play happy families, he definitely doesn't. Unless she got him there under false pretences (and he'd out of the door like a shot when he realised, and then dump her) this meeting isn't going to happen.

sparkycats · 20/02/2022 12:55

Let our friendship drift or her relationship with the other man?

Because she's one of my best friends. I don't have a huge number of friends and I don't want to loose more. She's got closer with the other friend as she messages her about all this more and I don't want to feel pushed out of the friendship group. We are a good group with DH friends too, have done holidays together etc. It's hard to know that things will change now.

OP posts:
PolkaSpace · 20/02/2022 12:56

@sparkycats

Let our friendship drift or her relationship with the other man?

Because she's one of my best friends. I don't have a huge number of friends and I don't want to loose more. She's got closer with the other friend as she messages her about all this more and I don't want to feel pushed out of the friendship group. We are a good group with DH friends too, have done holidays together etc. It's hard to know that things will change now.

I meant your friendship. Or just be honest and say you know she's really happy but you think she's going to get hurt so can't act like it's all OK.
BornIn78 · 20/02/2022 13:00

Do you enjoy the drama as much as she does?

You must be getting something from this, and if you’re hanging into this non-friendship simply to keep your ‘friendship numbers’ up that’s really quite sad.

It’s all she talks about, she sounds like a total twat and an utter bore.

sparkycats · 20/02/2022 13:07

@BornIn78

Do you enjoy the drama as much as she does?

You must be getting something from this, and if you’re hanging into this non-friendship simply to keep your ‘friendship numbers’ up that’s really quite sad.

It’s all she talks about, she sounds like a total twat and an utter bore.

At the moment it is a bit like that yes. It's pretty one sided. But I think she's just going through a hard time at the moment and making bad decisions. I think she's feeling shit about herself with everything her DH did. She's not herself. But I must admit it has opened my eyes to her a little. I never thought she would go with a married man after everything she went through with DH. It's like she's totally blocked out his other life and is pretending they are both single.

Normally she's a lovely, fun, caring friend. I don't want to just drop the friendship when I think this is just a crazy phase she's going through. You don't just drop friends when they are going through a hard time.

OP posts:
sparkycats · 20/02/2022 13:08

I meant your friendship. Or just be honest and say you know she's really happy but you think she's going to get hurt so can't act like it's all OK.

Thanks. This is a really good way of putting it. I didn't want to seem unsupportive by not meeting him but at the same time really don't want to meet him.

OP posts:
NeverChange · 20/02/2022 13:38

Changes of hin actually turning up are slim.

Sometimes, you can't prevent the upcoming car crash. You have to watch it in slow motion knowing it is only a matter of time but support the person and help them recover after it happens.

She won't hear a bad word about him now so no point in talking.

balalake · 20/02/2022 13:41

Losing a friendship is often painful, but should you really be condoning a man who is a serial cheater? The only thing I can suggest is having some excuse not to meet him such as the 'diplomatic illness'.

sparkycats · 20/02/2022 13:45

@NeverChange

Changes of hin actually turning up are slim.

Sometimes, you can't prevent the upcoming car crash. You have to watch it in slow motion knowing it is only a matter of time but support the person and help them recover after it happens.

She won't hear a bad word about him now so no point in talking.

Yes. I don't think he will want to meet us anyway as it's all a secret anyway.

It's so sad how she's pretending they are together properly though. Like they are making the next step or something.

Yes- exactly. It's watching the car crash. It's hard to be supportive when you don't agree with what's she's doing and have had enough of listening to her about it when you know she won't take any of your advice.

OP posts:
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