To ask how to deal with this

[Encee1]

DS started reception in sept. Small class, 18 kids. He’s quite a shy child, doesn’t hit etc and seems to have settled in well. At nursery he had some issues with another child actively seeking him out to pinch him, kick him etc and we obviously removed him until he started school.

He told us today that 2 kids, K and E (K is a boy, E is a girl) can pick him up at school. I laughed as he’s quite a tall kid and said oh how? And he said by my neck. I was obviously confused at this and asked him what he meant and he said that K had put his hands round DSs neck and lifted him up. I asked DS if he’d asked him to stop and he said no, he forgot to ask him to stop. I asked if it hurt and he said I don’t know. He also said he was in the classroom when it happened and the teacher was getting things ready for the lesson and didn’t see.

I’ve had a chat with him about making sure he says if anything happens that hurts him or he’s uncomfortable with but I’m also really angry. The kid in question’s dad was an addict and he has seen similar behaviours, including something similar being done to him when the dad lived with them which is why I’m more concerned too.

So I guess what I’m asking is how do I raise this with the school? Do I raise it even though DS didn’t have a mark on his neck and didn’t say it hurt? What do we do? For now we’re starting him on some self defence classes starting Wednesday and need to work on his assertiveness but I’m really very angry.

Obviously you raise it. You just go in and explain what happened to the teacher. Put it in writing if you don't think that you will have an opportunity to speak to her without other parents over hearing.

You need to talk to the teacher about what happened. If she's missed this she needs to be more aware of this boys behaviour to your son and others. If there's family history, she should know of any risk at home or with family to the boy. Just tell her what happened and make sure should it happen again, your sons tells a teacher and tells you again.

Who are you angry at?

The 4 year old child? Or the teacher?

I'd raise it with the teacher, but I'd also calm down a bit. It doesn't sound like DS was hurt. I'm sure if the other child had wanted to hurt DS he could have done...sounds more like he was just seeing if he could pick him up! It's the sort of weird stuff small children do.

I’m angry that it happened over angry at a particular person. Also because I know DS won’t defend himself.

Thank you for the advice, I knew I had to say something but it’s more along the lines of will the teacher believe me. It’s a great school generally but he’s my first and I already don’t like the idea that I’m not always there which I know is silly. I don’t think I can speak to the teacher without everyone hearing so putting it in writing is a good idea. The kid in question’s dad has grabbed him by the neck before which my DS obviously doesn’t know, the mum has told me so I’m worried about learned behaviour and how far it could go.

NuffSaidSam I think that’s where I’m hesitant, I don’t want to overreact by making a big deal if it’s not BUT it feels like a big deal to me. If it IS just the sort of stuff small children do then fine but it’s not the sort of thing DS would do and as I said he’s my first and I don’t know any kids that play like that which is why I didn’t know whether to raise it. I hope my ramblings make sense.

Plenty of kids play like that but if your son is uncomfortable (and he clearly is) then just speak to the teacher on his behalf.

@DiddyHeck Plenty of kids may well play like that, but they need to learn not to which is where the teacher comes in. There no point shrugging it off as normal and leaving it at that. The teacher should be told what happened.

@DiddyHeck surely it can’t be the case that ‘plenty’ of kids play like that? I know DS is our first but it’s not something I’ve encountered from friends kids or even growing up and going to school myself.

[quote rambleonplease]@DiddyHeck Plenty of kids may well play like that, but they need to learn not to which is where the teacher comes in. There no point shrugging it off as normal and leaving it at that. The teacher should be told what happened. [/quote]
Did you even read my post before quoting it?

*Commenting - not quoting.

OP, yes plenty of kids play far too roughly, which is why you need to speak to your child's teacher.

I noticed some bruises on my sons upper arm when he was in reception. Turned out a few of the boys had been playing a punch in the arm game in the playground. No suggestion of bullying, but not OK. Let the teacher know and it was dealt with by speakig to those concerns and reminders to the whole class about appropriate play.

@DiddyHeck yes I did read your post and it implied that as her son was uncomfortable she should say something. What I said was kids need to learn not to play in ways that are unsafe so the teacher should know regardless of if other kids are uncomfortable or not. You just don't play rough with kids necks.

@DiddyHeck

Plenty of kids play like that but if your son is uncomfortable (and he clearly is) then just speak to the teacher on his behalf.

Plenty of kids pick others up by the neck? Don't be ridiculous, of course they don't.

Yes OP you need to make the teacher aware this is happening. But your DS said K and E can pick him up. Is the girl doing the same thing?

@sparepantsandtoothbrush so he described it as picking up first then when I asked him to show me what K had done, he put his hands round my neck and pulled upwards. I asked if he’d managed to actually lift him up and he said yes (which I’m not sure if he’s misconstruing). I asked where E came into it and he said after that, K and E put a hand each round his neck and tried but couldn’t lift him up. He didn’t ask them to stop because he ‘forgot’ but I’m not sure what to make of that and he was getting upset talking about it so I didn’t want to push.