Have reached the end of my tether with them.

[Beadley]

In advance, this is long…

My parents are in their late sixties and are functioning alcoholics. They start drinking every evening around 5pm, by 9/10pm they are asleep/passed out, yet they are up at dawn the next morning, cooking, baking, gardening, exercising, baby-sitting for my siblings, etc. They don’t seem to get hangovers or suffer many ill effects. They have no recollection of conversations they’ve had while drunk and sometimes have ‘unexplained’ injuries from falling/hitting off things.

I live a couple of hours drive away. I have small children and pre-covid I used to visit them every couple of months, and stay in their house. I had to stop doing this and cut down the visits and stay in a hotel because I didn’t want my children being exposed to their drinking. Early evening, they slur their words, and repeat themselves. By 8pm, they have arguments about things that happen decades ago, sometimes they trip and fall down the stairs. Yet the next day they are storybook grandparents baking, painting and engaging with their grandchildren.

At home, I’ve stopped answering the phone to them in the evenings as they are either maudlin or vindictive on the phone. Sometimes they complaint that the neighbours are spying on them, sometimes they moan at me for not visiting more frequently. There is always an undercurrent of aggro, yet sober they are salt of the earth.

Every couple of months, I try speaking to them about their drinking. Usually tiptoeing around it. Telling them it’s not good for their health, and is contributing to weight gain (My mother is very vain so this is literally the only approach that has seen any degree of success) I’ve told them I’m terrified that they will end up either burning down the house or breaking their necks by falling down the stairs while drunk. That I do not want the children exposed to their volatile behaviour. This is invariably met with defensiveness and then usually a counter attack on me ‘I suppose I think I am perfect?’ ‘I’d need to get my own weight under control before I go around doling out unwanted advice’ ‘Why wouldn’t we drink? We aren’t harming anyone and we have nothing else to do in the evening?’

We’ve tried encouraging them to join clubs, to meet friends, to go away for breaks, to volunteer. They have plenty of money and have a beautiful house in a lovely area and many friends and family living nearby. My other siblings have also tried to speak to them, but it’s generally left to me and then I am ‘the bad guy’.

A couple of years ago my dad ended up in hospital for a chest infection and ended up getting very ill very quickly as his body went into withdrawal from alcohol. My mother was mortified when I told the nurse and he was prescribed Librium which settled him. This gave them a fright and they cut down on the drinking for a couple of months but before long they were back to their old ways.

When I was growing up they were very supportive and loving parents. My friends were all envious of how our family were like the Brady Bunch. They are generous with money and splash it around to paper over the cracks when they have upset or hurt someone. My sister gets a lot of babysitting and money from them and does not like to get involved in conversations with them about their drinking as she doesn’t want to fall out with them. I feel like it annoys my mother that I am doing ok financially and do not accept money from her or rely on them for babysitting (I would not trust them to mind my children anymore as the handful of times I have asked them to do so I have come home to both of them passed out drunk)

I have booked a city break with one of my friends (husband and children staying at home) and during the week my mother rang me at 5.30pm and I answered it thinking she couldn’t be too drunk yet but she was. She started asking me if she could come on the city break with me and my friend. I said gently ‘no, maybe some other time’ (crossing my fingers - she is now such a liability I couldn’t be responsible tor taking her out of the country) I was hoping she’d drop it but she kept pressing and said that I’d promised to take her to that city (I have vague memories of going when I was about 20 and coming home buzzing with enthusiasm and telling her she should visit - and that I’d go back with her if she wanted. However her drinking has escalated exponentially since then and my eyes have also been open to her toxic traits of controlling people with money and all she does now is complain and she’d either want to start drinking every evening at 5 or she wouldn’t drink and would then get sick from alcohol withdrawal)- either way I couldn’t take her but I didn’t say this, I tried to keep it light and breezy. But she persisted and asked if my friend and I were an ‘item’ (in a lesbian relationship) and that was why I wouldn’t take her. I hung up the phone as I am just sick of her and her behaviour. I just feel it is the last straw. It’s not that I am annoyed about being asked if I am a lesbian, it’s the fact that she is like a caged rat, she’ll attack from any angle.

My sister is horrified that I have said to her that I am done with them- that I will not be phoning or visiting again. She thinks I will regret it. I just feel there is no point. No matter what I say it’s not getting through to them. I can’t be dealing with the drunken phone calls, the worry. But what if they die and I’m estranged from them?

It'd be worth looking into Al-anon or the SMART recovery guides for relatives. You'll find your response is very normal under the circumstances, including feeling bad for disengaging. There's very little you can do as only they can change thing. But there are definitely support groups or books for people in your situation.

It sounds really difficult, it reads like you are really worried about their health and fed up of worrying about them.

You are not going to change them. They are not even open to admitting they have an issue, let alone addressing this, you will just have to leave them to it.

See them during the day, let their phone calls go to answer phone, don't ask them to baby sit in the evening. Do low contact rather than no contact.

It must be really hard, you sound like you have tried too help them but they are not interested. Unfortunately, you cannot change their behaviour - you can only change your reaction to it.

Good luck op.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's an awful illness and the fact they sound lovely when sober makes it harder. You can only do so much and maybe lowering contact rather than cutting is what you need to do. Continue to answer phones in 9 to 5, ringing the doorbell if they're drunk and having to hang up. If you are visiting, leave by 5 so they can do their thing. You have no back up with your siblings which is what you really need, it's hard always being the baddie. Hugs to you, you sound like all you want is the best for everyone 💗

Remember - and please don't think I'm a mercenary person - I absolutely am not! - they seem to be quite wealthy and might hold it against you when they write their Wills.

I wonder if you have become more aware of (and sensitive to) their behaviour since you had children of your own? I think we do tend to see things through different eyes once we become parents ourselves.

I've learned my lesson with alcoholics, and it's my choice not to have anything to do with them. They ruin lives, often starting with their own.

You need to step away from this. They are adults making life choices. Drinking in the way they do is not a healthy life choice but as you say yourself they are 'functioning'

You are their child, not their parent or moral guardian. Given that they are functioning and not vulnerable, it is not your responsibility to monitor their health or habits.

You are only responsible for your own life and those of your DC. If stepping away from your parents is better for all of you then you must do that. But it doesn't have to be as extreme as no contact ever (although it can be if you want it to be). It's fine to only answer calls or visit at certain times of day. It's fine to be honest with them and say you don't want to see them or talk to them when they are drunk. It's fine to hang up on your mum during a drunken rant and text her that you'll talk to her when she is sober. It's fine to terminate a visit because they are drunk or unreasonable.

My concern about cutting them off 100% is that it might be sending your D.C. a message that people can only be loved conditionally. That you will only see and love family members if you completely approve of their life choices. Continuing to have a loving relationship with your parents but with very, very clearly expressed and strongly maintained boundaries would be a much better life lesson for them.

It seems like you're trying to control them and manipulate them for their own benefit. It's not going to work, they're adults and will make their own choices even if some of those are bad ones.

Instead you need to just be straight with them IMO. Tell them you won't be answering any calls after 5 because you don't like them when they've been drinking. Tell your mum you won't be taking her abroad because she'll either be drinking every evening or going into withdrawls like dad did when he was in hospital. You can't control them but you don't have to pussy foot around them. If you are straight with them then you might be able to work out a relationship where you get to enjoy their good choices but aren't negatively impacted by their poor choices. If things get worse and drinking starts to take over more then you can reassess at any point.

So instead of trying to control and change their behaviour accept that you can only control and change yours. Put in boundaries about what you will and won't accept and why - or if their drinking is too much to cope with at all then just continue to stay away. You are also entitled to make choices for yourself, they cannot control you any more than you can control them.

Big hugs. I know you are reacting this way out of love and concern. But they are adults. Sadly this won't end well. Don't cut off all contact. Speak to them or visit during the day only snd let them make bad decisions for themselves, snd don't ever feel guilty.

You definitely need a break from them. They are not going to change but the stress of the daily phone calls and not being able to do normal things like leave the children with them as they get so pissed must really take its toil.
They might have been the best of parents, and while sober still are, and the use of money to get forgiveness means that on some level they know that things are bad now. You are the only one who does not need it so it is easier for you to see how things are. A short text telling them you love and care for them but you need a few weeks free from the drunkenness might be the best thing for you for a bit
I think your mother has really crossed a line with the lesbian comment-it’s not an insult at all but the way she used it to get you to agree to something is not something that sits well with me.

Thank you all so much for your input. It was so cathartic to write it all down. Reading the comments is like therapy I appreciate kindness and support. It shocked me to see it suggested that I was ‘trying to control them’ but it has been a wake up call for me that I suppose that is what it is. I cannot change them so I need to just concentrate on myself and my own little family. I will see my parents but I’ll try to shift my focus and accept them as they are, rather than who I thought they were or who I think they should be.

I don't think YABU

While I am quite happy to say go NC and have myself with certain family members I don't think that's really appropriate here... they are not truly awful abusive people.
They are just people with what sounds like some good and bad qualities. You won't change them but you can control how you interact with them. And you are right to protect your children from exposure to them drinking /drunk.

I think some space and reducing contact / having controlled contact is the way.
Schedule calls in a non confrontational way "Evenings are always super hectic... its best to speak on Saturday mornings"
Schedule Trips in the daytime, park with the kids, getting your nails done with your mum in the day etc