To be hurt over lack of birthday fuss

[rosequartz82]

Name change as some sensitive info.

Backstory: Been friends with A for a few years but got a lot closer within the year. She has always known that I grew up in foster care but only details of that more recently. I've been separated from X for 5 years (DD is 10) and he was emotionally abusive and I've told A more details of that over the last year and she's been really supportive.

For my birthday in October 2020 she took me out for lunch which I was really touched by. She forgot to bring my gift with her and posted it to me a few days later as she was unable to meet. It was lovely, really thoughtful and with a nice card. Her next birthday was in March 2021 and I posted her a gift as we were under lockdown and she was really enthusiastic about it.

As our friendship developed, I told her about how X wouldn't get me anything for my birthday (not even a card) but expected me to go all out for him. He always told me I didn't 'deserve' anything and that really affected me. I was with X from 16-30 so this went on for years. I started to really dread my birthday because he just made me feel like crap.

About a month before my birthday A told me she had booked 2 days off work for it and I arranged to have DD stay with X that night. Then a few days before my birthday, A text me to say that she couldn't think of anything we could do together and she was just going to go to work instead. I was pretty crushed but didn't say anything. I expected to at least get a card through the post but no, nothing.

I have seen her since as I thought maybe she was waiting until I saw her in person to say something and she didn't mention it.

Our friendship seems to be the same as normal but I just don't understand what happened. Her birthday is next month and I'm not sure what to do.

I would probably just get her a nice card. Just that though.
That's very odd behaviour from her cancelling last minute.
From this point on it's very important that you always treat yourself on your birthday. Plan things for yourself. Never wait for other people to celebrate you. You owe it to yourself to take control and make nice things happen.

Just send a card, happy birthday I’m sorry your ex was horrible. You’re friend is just trying her best and probably had her own stuff going on.

That sounds very strange behaviour from your friend and also pretty gutting for you. It sounds horribly like what your ex might do .

If she is behaving normally I would ask her when you next see her what happened. Obviously in an interested, curious kind of way, not aggressive!

However, one thing to note, I have a friend who is estranged from her family and I hadn't realised until she said about another friend not sending her a card, that as she had no family to speak of, that cards and gestures from her friends were so important. I mean, extremely important. And from her side, she wasn't able to see that other people had their own lives going on, and that a birthday card to a friend may not be first on their list of things to do.

Not quite the same for you because she actually said she had booked two days of work and then cancelled, but, to be honest a new friend booking two days off work might be seen as unusual.

I hope you can work something out with her. As a PP said, take control of your birthdays in future and plan something you want to do.

Could she have been expecting you to offer money, suggestions etc and is annoyed that you haven't? Or perhaps be feeling like she's been sort of pressured into trying to make your birthday nice for you when really she has her own stuff going on?

Send her a card and a nice gift.

That’s rubbish op.

I’d maybe just send a card for her birthday if anything. Is there a chance she posted something and it didn’t arrive? I’m assuming not as you have seen her since and she didn’t mention if you liked the gift.

As her birthday is next month it's early spring so I think I'd use that to test the water. A few days before the day text her to say she's right, it's difficult to think of things to do at this time of year, so how about you do something together when the weather's warmer to celebrate both your birthdays.

Is it possible that she now feels 'responsible' for your birthdays and for making up for the past birthdays with your ex? If so, it's possible she's decided to put a stop to it before it takes root if you see what I mean?