Or am I overthinking and being too sensitive?

[NameChange0003]

DW and I are pregnant with a known sperm donor (through fertility clinic). I am carrying the baby.
DW is very close to sperm donor and his sister and has known them all her life. They are so close they're almost like siblings.
Sperm donors sister is very beautiful.
Thing is DW has made a couple of comments such as
'I think the baby will have X height (sperm donors sister)'.
And 'I hope the baby has their skin tone'
'I think the baby will have X hair (sperm donor sisters hair)'.
Even at scans commenting on similarities of baby to sperm donors sister 🤷‍♀️ (it was said lightheartedly).

Sperm donors sister and I have very different features to one another in terms of height, hair colour, eye colour etc.
I do not think DW fancies sperm donors sister or anything like that. They really are like siblings.

However, I'm not sure if i'm starting to feel a little hurt that these comments have been made or if I'm just feeling hormonal and over thinking?
DW would be horrified if she knew I thought or felt like this and would completely reassure me and probably say she doesn't mean it like that.
Am I being over sensitive?

Well I don't think you're being over sensitive. i don't know, I've not been in the situation of using a sperm donor but I imagine there's all sorts of additional emotions to process, especially when it's a known sperm donor. I think the only thing to do is to be open and honest with each other about your feelings about the process as you go along. So I'd sit down with your DW and have a calm open chat about it. Good luck with the process and your new baby.

She's probably excitedly planning what the baby will look like and hoping for the features that she considers are attractive within that family? Like I always hoped my baby had lovely features from certain members of our families - my brother's big blue eyes, his sister's thick, curly hair, etc. My DH has brown eyes and short hair. I have green eyes and straight hair. That's irrelevant. I just thought that the other features would look really lovely on a baby. It's just a silly, excited thing that some new parents do!

I'd find this odd if I was in your situation... mainly because it would make more sense if your partner was wondering if you baby would have the sperm donor's hair/height etc rather than his sister's. When I was pg I certainly wondered whether our baby would have specific features that DH has... never once did I wonder if the baby would look like his sister! You're not over thinking this, it's strange behaviour on her part.

I don't think you are being insensitive, but I also think what your wife is doing is natural. The only way you would avoid this is be having an anonymous donor. I agree that communication is key here.

I would find that incredibly hurtful and upsetting. She's basically choosing the donors' sister's attributes over your own (I am assuming it's your egg). It's like she's finding fault with your skin tone, height etc. She sounds obsessed with the donor family and that doesn't sound healthy at all. Why is she so overly attached to this family

I think she's subconsciously trying to claim "her stake" in the baby biologically by proxy with no thought that it's hurtful to you.

I know a couple and it's so clear whose sperm they used. Certainly as I know the bio Dad as a child. The other Dad is understandably feeling a bit fed up at comments about the baby looking the image of his DH.

Yanbu at all. I find it very insensitive to be doing this. She is making it seem like their little group are the family here. You need to bring it up with her. Honestly I would have used an anon donor.

If your wife has known them forever, is it possible that she has always felt a little envious of the sister? Not fancy her, or even jealous, but I'm sure we've all had friends who are gorgeous and idly thought it would be nice to look like that. And now her baby might!

So perhaps not about you, more about her, if that makes any sense?

@RandomMess

I think she's subconsciously trying to claim "her stake" in the baby biologically by proxy with no thought that it's hurtful to you.

I know a couple and it's so clear whose sperm they used. Certainly as I know the bio Dad as a child. The other Dad is understandably feeling a bit fed up at comments about the baby looking the image of his DH.

Ah I hadn't thought of it like this but that would make sense.

I don't think you are being overly sensitive at all and I don't think it's a natural or silly excited thing parents do, itit'luke being g pregnant and constantly telling your husband "I hope our baby looks like your brother". Its weird and actually offensive, I would definitely say something

It seems to me that it’s maybe her way of being connected to the baby as her genetics have been ‘lost’ during the process. As she’s very close to the donor and his sister, potentially this is her way of creating that connection that she won’t have through her DNA.
Maybe wrong but my ten pence worth!

Unkind and thoughtless of your DW to reveal her - hurtful - thoughts like that.

Understandable of she has a range of thoughts and feelings about not being a biological parent. But that doesn’t excuse it.

You’re not overthinking or oversensitive: your DW’s behaviour is thoughtless and insensitive!

To me it sounds like DW is trying to make connections to the baby from 'her' side. You already have those connections as you are carrying the baby and it is 50% from you.

Used to get this a lot from DMiL, anything the DCs did or had (in terms of physical characteristics) were ascribed to DH's side of the family as though my genetic contribution was zero.

I did a lot of nodding and smiling. It came from a good place. She was trying to make connections.