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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Formal way to say ‘it’s fine if you can’t be arsed’

23 replies

Mamamovingnorth · 19/02/2022 18:20

Having a christening for DC. It’s our first child and we live a 3+ hour drive from a lot of family and friends.

Lots of our friends from home have older kids and we’ve been to all their parties / christenings etc. We want to invite these friends and we’d love them to come but we’re realistic that it’s probably a big hassle for them to drag the family to us for a christening.

We’re conscious that some might feel obliged because we went to their DC’s events (but it was easy for us as we could stay with family, see lots of friends and didn’t have DC!)

What’s a good way to say ‘don’t feel like you have to if it’s a hassle’ without them feeling like they’re not wanted?

A few are quite easily offended so we want to tread carefully.

I said to a close friend ‘I totally get it if you can’t be arsed traipsing the whole tribe out to us’ but could do with something a bit…. Softer? Any suggestions very welcome!!

OP posts:

Classicblunder · 19/02/2022 18:22

I think I would say something like "it would be lovely to celebrate with as many people as can make it, for those who cannot, we look forward to catching up another time"

nadgersbadgers · 19/02/2022 18:22

I'd pop a separate hand written note inside the invite, make it personal to them and say exactly that - you totally understand it's a lot to ask and you would completely understand if they can't make it and would love to make some other plans with them when baby older / summer etc

anotherneutralname · 19/02/2022 18:23

"We would love to see you, but we completely understand that it's a long journey and the timing might not be easy for your family. If you can come, that would be amazing. But if you can't make it that day, let's please agree another date very soon when we can meet up instead."

WinterSpringSummerorFall · 19/02/2022 18:24

I would leave it to them... if they are easily offended.
If you want them to come, invite them. They can make the decision themselves.

BonnieBlue88 · 19/02/2022 18:27

‘I totally get it if you can’t be arsed traipsing the whole tribe out to us’
😂

"No worries if you can't make it, I know it's a long drive for you" ?

Allsorts1 · 19/02/2022 18:30

I’m also curious about this for wedding invites for relatives who live far away. Want to invite everyone to make them feel welcome and appreciated but also well aware that not many of them will be willing or able to make the trip - so I don’t want them to feel put out by being invited (I can imagine they would be just as cross to be invited as if they didn’t get an invite). I think I’ll do a normal invite with a hand written additional note to say “we would love to have you there but completely understand that it may not be possible for you to make the journey this year. If you can’t make it, we hope to celebrate with you in homeland soon.”

cdba88 · 19/02/2022 18:41

I wouldn't say anything, it's very easy to make an excuse up if they cba.

I don't think adding anything is necessary

perimenofertility · 19/02/2022 18:50

I honestly wouldn't say anything along those lines, you do risk giving the wrong message. If I got a message like that I would wonder if I was being invited out of politeness because you had attended my events but that you weren't bothered if I came or not.
If you want to invite people, just invite them and let them make a decision about whether it's too much hassle to come.

lopape · 19/02/2022 18:52

All these messages sound like you don't really want them there. Don't say anything extra .

TabithaTittlemouse · 19/02/2022 18:55

I wouldn’t say anything. If they can attend they will, if they can’t they won’t.

Saying anything makes it look like you aren’t bothered about them attending. That they aren’t important to you.

Although if you wanted to be really rude you could write, ‘this is an invitation not a summons’.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 19/02/2022 18:55

Just send an invite.
If they're the easily offended type anything you put will be interpreted as you hinting you don't actually want them there

ChocolateMassacre · 19/02/2022 19:13

"We'd love to celebrate with you if it's not too much trouble. Otherwise, we hope to catch up soon."

godmum56 · 19/02/2022 19:21

"We'd be delighted to see you but understand that it may not be possible for you to be there/attend."

Original poster

Mamamovingnorth · 19/02/2022 19:42

Oh you lot are totally brilliant!! Great responses for every eventuality ❤️

OP posts:

DogsAndGin · 19/02/2022 19:45

@WinterSpringSummerorFall

I would leave it to them... if they are easily offended. If you want them to come, invite them. They can make the decision themselves.

Came here to say this

Thatsplentyjack · 19/02/2022 19:49

I wouldn't bother saying anything. Jist send the invite.

NoSquirrels · 19/02/2022 19:52

Send the invite, and save the gracious ‘we totally get it no hard feelings AT ALL’ speech for when they decline.

GuidingSpirit · 19/02/2022 19:55

We've just had the same dilemma for DD's christening. I wrote something like "whilst we would love for you to come, we understand if you don't want to travel to [city] at the minute and look forward to catching up with you next time we are in [family city]". At lot of my family are older and just not ready to come to us still with covid etc. Only our immediate family have rsvp'd yes, so although im disappointed, im glad they didnt feel obliged.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/02/2022 20:06

Cant you just personalise it to how much you know people? We had a wedding far away and our friends are all very relaxed so we just sent out something along the lines of 'we're getting married here, you'd be more than welcome if you fancied a trip over that way but absolutely no pressure if you don't feel like it, either way we would love to see you soon'. If they are your friends they already love you for who you are so just do it in your own words

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 19/02/2022 20:11

It’s my father’s 80th birthday dinner soon. I have said to a few invitees “we very much hope you can come, but these are unusual times and we absolutely understand if it’s just not feasible at the moment.” That seems not to have caused any offence. And a couple of people have said it was welcome.

Cherryana · 19/02/2022 20:16

I don't know. You are sending the invitations to adults - I would let them make their own choices about deciding whether to attend or not..

Once you start putting little sentences that give people an out - it sounds like you don't really want them to come. And that double speak is annoying.

itsgettingweird · 19/02/2022 20:31

I'd just send the invite and ask "RSVP if you are able to make it or not".

That way you are very gently expressing an understanding people may not be able to make it - not being arsed to traipse the tribe halfway up the country comes under this

(Ps I love your style of tone - that's exactly the sort of way I express things and I'd find it hard to be gentle in my wording 🤣)

Sunnysideup999 · 19/02/2022 20:38

If they CBA - they’ll make up an excuse. No need to say anything at all

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