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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for advice on depressed boyfriend

13 replies

Redroses11x · 19/02/2022 08:51

Going down to my boyfriends soon. He's had depression 20 years. 2 suicide attempts in that time. He no longer drinks but is in a bad place currently due to many things going on.

The Dr's keep putting him on various things. His sleep and moods are allover.sometimes he's positive. Other days he is low.

2 days ago he went from happy to miserable in an afternoon. He ended up running out of amitripline for 2 days. When he finally got them he took one and it knocked him out the afternoon. When he woke up he was miserable snappy and exhausted.

Yesterday he looked broken in his face. He looked drained. But he had snapped at me the night before so was holding abit of a bad mood towards me I think. He Cooked us dinner and was nice to me. But not close to me and seemed distant. I left early because he wanted his bed. He seemed a very different person.

I heard absolutely nothing from him from 6pm last night. He's always up by 6am. He often messages me a quick heart or something in the night. I know that's not relevant but I'm explaining his level of communication.

At 8am this morning I called him through concern. He answered the phone and said he was gutted he was awake and was pissed off I had woke him. I apologised. He asked me what I was doing. I said I was getting ready. He said why. I said because I thought I was coming to yours today. He said what do you mean you thought, you are aren't you? I tried to ask him what he was wanting. Was he wanting to go back to sleep (he said there was no chance of that) he said just tell me when you leave and I'll come meet you. He feels short and irritated.

A part of me wants to leave it. But I need to take him some dog food and stuff round because he has absolutely nothing in. But also I want to be there if he does need company and hope I can help him feel better.

But I'm also getting emotionally tired and feeling very uncomfortable going into a space I don't feel particularly welcome in.

I just need some advice as I know he's struggling.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2022 08:55

It's more than ok to admit that this relationship isn't working for you, and his mental health issues are not your responsibility. Your relationship sounds miserable, honestly. End it and move on.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 19/02/2022 08:57

Can you drop the dog food off and then leave him to it and spend the weekend alone or with friends?

mistermagpie · 19/02/2022 09:01

My ex boyfriend had schizophrenia (undiagnosed for the majority of our relationship) and my ex husband had depression.

What I've learned from both these relationships is that you are not and cannot be responsible for someone else's mental health. You also can't 'care' for someone (in the practical sense) to the detriment of your own well being. And finally and most importantly, you don't have to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy just because the other person isn't well.

You're not married, you don't live together, you haven't promised anything to this man. It's really hard to walk away from someone who is ill but you do have to ask yourself what the rest of your life will look like if you stay.

PartyPlan · 19/02/2022 09:01

I don’t think you should be afraid to admit that he isn’t bringing anything to the relationship. You aren’t responsible for his happiness and it sounds like he is bringing you down.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 19/02/2022 09:02

How long have you been together? It doesn't sound like he's well enough to have a relationship. It's of course not his fault he's ill but it's not yours either. You sound more like his support worker than his romantic partner.

From what you've said, you've really tried to be supportive but you're not getting anything out of this relationship. Like PP said, it's ok to end it because this isn't working for you anymore.

Orgasmagorical · 19/02/2022 09:06

But also I want to be there if he does need company and hope I can help him feel better.

What would you like for your life? To be dancing to this man's tune hoping you can fix him? Or to have a bit more stability and contentment? I know I sound harsh but from what you say it's all about him. What about you? Flowers

FruminariaBandersnatcheosum · 19/02/2022 09:07

Is he looking after the dog properly?
I had an ex who used to go to bed with depression and I had to bring his dog away or it would have starved.

GeneLovesJezebel · 19/02/2022 09:12

You need to leave this relationship. You cannot fix him.
Please save yourself.

TopCatsTopHat · 19/02/2022 09:18

I think that naturally because of his history you are protecting him from the consequences of his behaviour which is completing understandable.
But it does we humans no good to have or feelings and poor feelings alone centred as the only ones that matter.
It brings out our selfishness and depressed or not it is hard to respect someone who let's us treat them without respect.
We can all have moments of grumpy we need to apologise for and aren't important, but you seem to have fallen into a dynamic where he can act out his feelings on you and you don't push back and continue to provide vital support. I think you need to give your own feelings a voice and expect them to also be considered.
Speaking as someone who has been depressed (though not for as long as that) I didn't find that people let me get away with inconsiderate behaviour and not expecting much from me helped. Being forced to recognise that other people also have feelings is helpful not unhelpful. And whilst I was given the support I needed, if it was tolerated that I should be inconsiderate of others that would have given me the message that, like a child, no more could be expected of me which would have been demotivating. Being supported by people who also wanted me to engage constructively made me up my game and jolt me out of the self centred naval gazing you get into when you're at the bottom of the pit. It isn't a cure, other things are needed, but what I'm trying to say is that walking on eggshells with him is not good for you or him. It maintains the status quo will be detrimental to you.
I think you need to be honest about how things make you feel, if that means you want out be honest about that. He'll know it deep down anyway and pretending helps neither of you.
If you've never done this he might resist cos people don't like change, doesn't mean you should continue to consider his feelings only forever though.

TuscanApothecary · 19/02/2022 09:18

The more you do for him the less he will do for himself. So the dog food - he is obviously going to get up and get some dog food if no one else is around to do it. This will actually make him feel better, he'll have to get dressed and go to the shop. He'll get fresh air and be in a communal/public whatever you want to call it space. The longer he stays in the flat the more he'll just be focused on himself and his feelings.

You're doing too much for him.

Personally I wouldn't stay in this relationship. I have been with a man who blamed his treatment of me on his MH. But if you do stay with him stop enabling his depression, because that's what you're doing. You can't care more about his recovery than he does.

konasana · 19/02/2022 09:21

You might not be ready to hear this, but from personal experience of trying to help/fix a depressed boyfriend I can tell you, you cannot help him. You cannot make him feel better. You are not responsible for him and his mental health, he is. It sounds like the relationship is not working for you and it is ok to leave him. Save yourself, do not waste your life being dragged down into his pit of misery and constantly feeling like you need to fix it.

I know the feeling, the anxiety in your stomach wondering what mood they will be in and trying to chivvy them out of it. You cannot. Leaving mine was the best decision of my life.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2022 09:30

The more you do for him the less he will do for himself.

It's true. You're enabling him.

ChargingBuck · 19/02/2022 10:04

A part of me wants to leave it. But I need to take him some dog food and stuff round because he has absolutely nothing in. But also I want to be there if he does need company and hope I can help him feel better.

When is your relationship with this 20-years-depressed man going to be about you?

Why are you running after him for crumbs of affection that don't materialise?

How is he incapable of buying food for his own dog?
If your instant internal reaction to that is to insert some Special Pleading all about how he can't help it, he's had a hard time, he depends on me, he's on a bad place, blah blah blah ...
then you need a long hard look at co-dependency -
www.verywellmind.com/what-is-codependency-5072124

& to take especial note of this: - Regularly trying to change or rescue troubled, addicted, or under-functioning people whose problems go beyond one person's ability to fix them.

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