School run mum friend

[Samcan]

Hi all. First time I'm posting here as I'm feeling a little down. I've got an 9 year old girl, 6 year old and then a 10 month old so it's difficult to find time to make friends as that requires actually having time to meet people so I rely a little bit on a lady I'm friends with on the school run. Her and my little girl are close friends and we often chat outside the classroom at hometime which is where I get my adult conversation. I've been to her girl's birthday party and they've come to mine for a playdate and we talk on watsapp too. Well recently there was a bit of a fall out between our girls little group of friends and they became a little distant playing with different kids...she went and changed her daughter's class and didn't even mention it to me only telling me once it had happened. I know she's allowed to do that but I feel a little sad that she didn't mention to me that that was something she was planning on doing. She knows our girls were close and in the same class since the start of school I I could'veprepared my little girl for the change if she had told me. My girl was suprised that she won't get to see her friend in the classroom anymore and I'm sad that I won't get to catch up with her mum outside the classroom like I used to (the other class is the other side of the school). It gets so lonely being a mum sometimes and I keep telling myself not to be bothered by this as she's clearly not as bothered to have done this without a mention but truth is I feel sad. It was nice to have that in common with her that they were in the same class. We could tell eachother relevant stuff regarding this. I'm not friends with any of the other mums. I know its pathetic it's not like we were best friends but I feel like I've lost something and I feel really lonely.

Not in a bad way at all OP but she’s not to know in a way how much these daily chats meant to you. Are you able to maybe organise a play date with another little child from your daughter’s class? Do you do any classes with your baby?

With your middle do they have any friends/mums you could invite over like ‘oh come a bit earlier and have a coffee before you head off?’

If your dc were not directly involved in the incident/ problem then I would maybe text and see if she wanted to meet after school for the girls to play. I was your friend and was quite happy to still meet with those dc and parents not part of the reason my dc moved.

Maybe also find out who your dd plays with now and speak to their parents. I must say though I found it most successful befriending the parents of my youngest child because they will be the ones still at the school gate for longest so look around at the parents with a buggy. Maybe go to nearby parent and toddler/ baby groups.

You’ve said it yourself, OP — you’re ‘reliant’ on this school gate acquaintance in a way that’s not mutual, because you’re lonely. She has clearly regarded it more casually, as a side-effect of having children who used to be in the same class. Was your DD involved in the falling out? If not, see if she’d like to have a play date at yours? And look around for new school run friends.

Hi op. I would ho to playgroups with your baby and make friends there.

That's a big step to change classes and for the school to agree to it, are you sure bullying wasn't involved?

I think she's made a decision based on her child's needs rather than friends. I mean this kindly OP, but it is not a good idea to be solely reliant on one person, especially if it is likely not 100% reciprocated. I'd try some baby and toddler groups and see if you can't make some other friends / people to talk to at school gates. You could also ask her for a coffee / playmate to maintain the friendship.

I think you've realised yourself you were over reliant on this person. She has done nothing wrong but I can see why you feel lonely now. As PP have said try playgroups or ask some of your little ones friends around.

Try make some friends away from parenting as well. It’s hard when they’re so little but it’s really lovely having friends that aren’t part of the whole school scene. Gym/running/gaming/work or whatever other hobbies you have. Focus on those.

Changing a child's class is usually quite hard, most schools aren't keen especially mid year, so I would suspect the falling out was a bit more than perhaps you know about. Maybe reach out to her to see if she would like to catch up over a coffee or invite the girl for a 1 one 1 playdate and suggest the mum stays for a bit on pick up?

Op maybe use this as a wake up call you’re not happy with your current friend situation so maybe try and put some time into meeting some nee friends- are you getting any down time? Any time to be you and not mummy? Sorry you’re feeling lonely but the woman has done nothing wrong at all. Try and be proactive about making friends text people and ask to meet up.

For school to move children, there was probably more going on than you knew. You could still suggest a play date gir the girls and see what she says

YANBU to feel sad OP, but you sound smart, you know this isn’t a healthy relationship.

Clearly, your friend has lots of other friends and she was therefore unconcerned (probably didn’t even consider) you and your child in this move - she was solely focussing on her daughter. Something major must have happened for such a huge change. Also, at our school, you absolutely do not ever change classes part way through the year so this is pretty major.

I hope you find some new friends soon - but also I’d still WhatsApp her if your children are still friends and arrange more play dates / arrange a 1:1.

I can understand being surprised she didn't mention it if there was no major issue between your DDs. I'd invite them for another playdate and just keep up the friendship that way; they can still be friends in different classes, as can you and the mum. Or you could use it as an opportunity to expand the friendship by asking her out to lunch / drinks without the kids. She may not have realised you valued her friendship so much; perhaps her life is too full for including you as a friend but perhaps not and it's just she was caught up in stress about her DD moving class. It's worth a try asking to see her, in the worst case she'll just fob you off that she's busy.

You're not pathetic at all .. I've got older teens now and never understood the dynamic of these early school mum friendships .. but also understand how hard it was when DCs or I were excluded . You're a human being who is allowed to feel hurt when people reject you . Don't let the circumstances change you .. but do get back into the groups and find more mum friends. Lots of mums find this is a minefield hard to get through and sometimes triggers feelings of our own school days and childhood friendships .. you have my full empathy - my strategy would be to cast your net wide and make more connections not just one . The fact that she moved her Dd without mentioning it to you would perplex me too..

I cannot express just how much I value each and everyone of you replying to me.Thank you so much. I didn't think anyone would. There are some brilliant suggestions and words of encouragement that I will take be taking away but most of all I think I just needed to be heard and have some kind words said to me. Honestly, thank you. X

Hi op it can be hard. Maybe get to know a few more mums. Playdates with kids then. But at least she still in same school just new class