Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To be upset about friend’s behaviour?

18 replies

Meandmysunshine · 18/02/2022 17:58

So a very good friend of mine moved away a few years ago. She now lives about 3 hours drive away. We’ve kept in touch by (mostly instigated by me) and until the pandemic she’d come to stay for the weekend a few times a year - always had a great time. I’ve also been to hers . However she’s cancelled things at the last minute a few times when something else/better comes up. Sometimes she just doesn’t reply to texts at all, By text I’ve told her about a few health issues I was having and when she eventually replied, she made no mention of it and hasn't asked since. I wonder if maybe I’m just missing something and should maybe just let the friendship drift. I’ve also checked all is ok with her and she’s said yes.

OP posts:

SNUG2022 · 18/02/2022 18:08

Sorry op, but it's all about her. She's a user. If you want to keep her as a fun time friend then do that, but think of her more of an acquaintance. I had a friend like this. She knows people in fantastic locations and goes to stay with them regularly, which is fine on the face of it, but I know who she is and it's obvious they are useful to her for holidays. She also used to ring round everyone to see what they were doing, and pick the most interesting prospect. The thing is, she's great fun, but it is all about her.

nanbread · 18/02/2022 18:21

Sorry but I don't think she is a very good friend, really.

It's really rude to cancel when something else comes up. Not like you're just popping in for a cuppa every week.

sprite25 · 18/02/2022 18:25

I used to have someone like this who I thought of as a friend, everything was about them. So I didn't bother with contacting them to see what would happen and I didn't hear from them for months and when they did contact me there was no 'how are you' or anything it was straight into just talking about themselves and what was going on in their life so I cut contact there and then. Like others have said of it's all about them it becomes a drain and isn't a proper friendship

Original poster

Meandmysunshine · 18/02/2022 20:48

@sprite25 sorry to hear you’ve had a similar experience. I get the same - ie ignoring my texts then texting weeks later with her news…
So sad about this

OP posts:

cushioncovers · 18/02/2022 20:49

Stop communicating op and see what happens

BoldMove · 18/02/2022 20:57

Friend of mine rarely texts back although I always reply straight back if she's asking anything. And then, nothing again! She's always very stressed and if we have met up she just fits me into a small window when she's free. Its annoying but she's always frazzled and a martyr to her kids so it'll never change. I go with as she doesn't realise she's doing it as she's too caught up in it all. Used to find it irritating but I let it go and just make sure I keep up with my other friends. Don't have many but the ones I do have are good ones.

Original poster

Meandmysunshine · 18/02/2022 21:29

@cushioncovers thanks. Yes I will!

OP posts:

Original poster

Meandmysunshine · 18/02/2022 21:33

@nanbread yes thanks. A few years ago she cancelled my visit after I’d booked time off work and arranged non refundable pet care! She’d decided to go on hols at the last minute !

OP posts:

Original poster

Meandmysunshine · 19/02/2022 07:31

Thanks for the replies so far 😊 I sent my last text a couple of weeks ago so will leave it now and see if she replies…..
Quite sad about it really 😞

OP posts:

cushioncovers · 19/02/2022 10:23

It's perfectly normal to feel sad when you finally realise a friendship was all one way. I've been there. I'm 50 now and have 2 very good friends and that's it. It's about quality not quantity. Some people will only ever have you as a 'back up friend' and that hurts. Best thing is to once you realise this is to drop all contact and move on in my experience.

Sundancerintherain · 19/02/2022 10:33

Aah, I feel for you op.
Mine was my best friend since primary school. Then I moved to a tourist destination, she had 2 dc very close together and I invited her every other week for the weekend to offer support. So picking her and DC up, them staying overnight then DH and I looking after them on the Saturday so she could have time to herself, dropping her back home on Sunday. We did all meals too. Did this for 12 months.
4 years later I asked her to have my 2DC for an afternoon while I visited my Aunt who was dying.
Straight out No. Her weekends were too precious.

Looking back it was always about her needs.
20 years on and I move abroad again to a tourist destination. Guess who pops out of the woodwork ?

Original poster

Meandmysunshine · 19/02/2022 10:42

@cushioncovers thanks. Still not heard anything and don’t really expect to now unless it’s about her!

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/02/2022 11:05

She doesn’t sound like a very good friend.

So either you talk to her about it, or reduce comms and see what happens. But I wouldn’t be going to the trouble of hosting weekends.

Murdoch1949 · 19/02/2022 16:04

Your friendship has run it's course with this woman. She's moved geographically and emotionally. She's hot new friends and is ghosting you in a way. Just accept it. Wait to see if she approaches you, if not move on.

Original poster

Meandmysunshine · 19/02/2022 23:41

@Murdoch1949 yes, I think you’re right.

OP posts:

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 20/02/2022 00:08

@Sundancerintherain

Aah, I feel for you op. Mine was my best friend since primary school. Then I moved to a tourist destination, she had 2 dc very close together and I invited her every other week for the weekend to offer support. So picking her and DC up, them staying overnight then DH and I looking after them on the Saturday so she could have time to herself, dropping her back home on Sunday. We did all meals too. Did this for 12 months. 4 years later I asked her to have my 2DC for an afternoon while I visited my Aunt who was dying. Straight out No. Her weekends were too precious. Looking back it was always about her needs. 20 years on and I move abroad again to a tourist destination. Guess who pops out of the woodwork ?

Did you respond to her or just ignore?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2022 00:09

I would block her. Not out of anger or spite, I just don't have an atom of headspace to spare on people like her. If someone is a negative force in my life, they are cut out of it. I wouldn't ever care to hear from her again, and she's made it perfectly clear she's not interested in anything to do with you.

Hairyfriend · 20/02/2022 00:47

This sounds like a friendship I had OP. Very close friends in our early 20's, worked together, out every weekend together and met our now husbands together. She was my matron of honour. Our lives just slowly drifted apart both physically and in what was happening with out lives.

I moved to the UK, but lived/worked back in my original country for several months out of every year. I always made the effort to get in touch and catch up. As the years went by, it was only me trying to make contact- not her.

I had a fairly traumatic MC with my 1st pregnancy (she knew nothing of my fertility struggles or this MC). We'd arrange a catch up and on the day, I texted to check we were still meeting a X place at X time. She replied that her friend was having some issues, so she needed to be with her!!!

I felt sad that it was clear our friendship had gone and I clearly thought more of the relationship than she did. A bit like grieving a death really. We'd had such great times in the day, and I do think we were great friends then, but our lives went in different directions.

She has not made any contact since- which I think is very showing of how she felt.

Flip