Here we go again...
So today it finally happened. I lost my shit with my mum and it made me realise just how completely unreasonable she is.. Or I am.
She mentioned about it being my neice's birthday this weekend and said I have to buy her a present. I told her that I'm not just some 'gift giver' and if I'm expected to be an Aunty then I'm an aunty. She moaned at me for not speaking to my sister (this is the one that hurled abuse at me despite everything I've done for dying dad) and I told her that I don't care who they are; they do not speak to me in that way and think it's OK. Until she apologises then I have no interest in her and I'm certainly not showering her with gifts because that's just encouraging her.
This is when I started being called 'selfish' and 'immature'. Also I'm not just some 'gift giver' and I should make more effort with them because I'm missing out on their life. I've lived in this house 6 years and sister's visited once. I roughly visit her about 3 times a month - until recent events. I asked why I should be the only one to make effort, not just with my sister but in general. Why am I the only one who ever makes any effort to have relationships with the family but no one ever visits me? Again, I'm called 'selfish'.
I brought up the fact that in the last year my parent's only visited once despite many offers to visit, to take them out for meals and even stay over so they can properly enjoy themselves. Every. Single. Offer. was declined. 'We can't leave your brother on his own overnight'.
I asked 'Why then is it that you can visit your cousin who lives in the same city and stay over at his house overnight? Why is it OK to leave my brother in that instance?'. No response.
I asked 'Why, when I asked if you wanted to come over for a coffee whilst you were over here did you decline because you didn't want to be late to theirs? Fair enough that you didn't want to be late but then why decline when I ask if you want to come the following morning then and just leave your cousins house a little earlier?'. No response.
Then the one that I think you've all been waiting for an answer on. I asked her about the wedding.
Me: Why wasn't I invited?
Mum: Your brother didn't go either.
Me: Not my question. What reason did you give for us both not being invited?
Mum: I can't remember but I'm sure you can.
Me: Yes, I do. You told us that the reason we weren't invited is because then BIL's grandma will have to come and then loads of other people and so it was strictly sister's friend and parents. If that's the case then why was BIL's grandma in the photo along with several other people I've never seen in my life?
Mum: Well lets not get on the topic of weddings shall we because you're not so perfect either.
What my mum's referring to there is my marriage to my ex husband who was highly abusive and I was lucky to escape from with my life. Judging by her response I'll assume I was correct in thinking it was to look after her dogs.
Basically, I just got called selfish and immature and it's all about 'me me me'. I've asked for her help and support once in the last year and that's when I was nearing suicide at the beginning of last year. She dismissed me because she was spending time with her other daughter and grandkids.
She blames the fact she never supports me or visits on the fact I moved to another city and said if I want her support then I have to move close to her. She lives an hour (traffic dependent) away. I've always made sure to visit at least twice a month, if not more, and over the last 4 months I've taken 2 months out of work and put my life on hold to ensure she can spend as much time with her dying husband as possible.
Apparently I need to have a long, hard look at myself because I'm selfish and immature. So as you can see; this isn't just her reflecting stress because my dad's dying. This has been going on long before which is why I've given her less slack when she's been a bitch than I should've.
AIBU to think that now is the time to just cut them off and get on with my life? It hurts to think it'll affect me spending the last time I can with my dad as he's now been brought home to die but if I just keep bending over and justifying this behaviour it's never going to get better, is it?
I know the right thing to do is put everything to the side and focus on my dad but it's just not quite so simple. And as you've all said before... he's just as guilty.