Can someone hand me a grip please

[IknowIAU]

I know I’m being unreasonable I know I am. However, I’m really upset and obviously can’t vent to my DP about this.

So my DP and I work together. Without sounding big headed we work really well together and there are very few people who can do what we do as well as we do it.

However, one of my DP’s friends works for another firm and is attempting to persuade him to leave. My DP says he doesn’t really want to leave but then went and had an interview yesterday with the firm and didn’t tell me about it until today.

I’m upset about this because if my DP leaves my work life is going to be so much harder and I will genuinely miss working with him. However, I know that he will have a nice time working with his friend. Meanwhile, I will be a lot more miserable in my job.

I know I should be happy for him and support him in whatever he decides but I’m feeling really upset right now. Obviously I’m trying to hide it but I feel like locking myself in a room and having a little cry.

Can someone talk some sense into me please and tell me that I am being unreasonable.

Being together all the time wouldn't be for me, maybe your dh wants some space?

Why do you think you'll be miserable in your job if your DP isn't working there?

Do you not like your job? I don't think it's healthy at all for you job satisfaction to rely solely on your DP. You probably know that.

I can understand being upset but also be realistic. I imagine you wouldn't have be working closely together your whole lives regardless of if he took this job or not. I don't think you should be stopping him from a great job opportunity because you want him to work at the same place as you.

It's very risky working so closely together anyway incase something goes wrong in the relationship.

Thanks both - that is helpful. Genuinely.

I don’t think he does feel suffocated. He might do.

My life will be more miserable because whoever replaces him will not be able to do his job. I will therefore have almost double the workload.

The job he is going for is not a job that he wants or at least he’s always said he doesn’t want it. It’s like he is having some kind of midlife crisis

He's that expert at his job that is not possible for anyone else to do it? I assume given time there are plenty others that can do what he does surely? It sort of just sounds like you just want his company there and with anyone else it won't be the same? It have I got that wrong? That's not the same as someone else being able to produce the work he is doing, there will definitely be someone else out there that can do that

How long have you worked together? It's worth having a conversation with him about it but I would suggest doing it when you're not feeling so emotional about it all.

I'm sorry but I'm thinking since you're saying you couldn't dream of working without him and he's gone for a job interview, I imagine he might not feel the same as strongly as you. If you're feeling quite passionate about it he might be being deliberately casual about it until he finds out whether he got the job offer to try not to upset you.

If he went could he change his mind and come back to you? May be (if possible) let him try something different then discover the grass isn't always greener, or let him get it out of his system.

Or you could bawl your eyes and beg him not to go?

When I say that whoever gets his job won’t be able to do it I genuinely mean that. We work in a government type job and the job will be given to an internal candidate. All of the potential candidates are not brilliant but nobody will care.

It will then be left to me to struggle on and try to do two jobs.

We’ve worked together for ten years. If he left, he wouldn’t be able to come back easily,

But yes, there is some truth in that I love working with him, we make an excellent team and I wouldn’t leave him to struggle. Especially when it’s a job he’s done before and hated it.

I know I can’t complain about this though and I will try my best to be supportive.

Do you work from home? Are you worried that without work you won't be as close?

Is the other job more money / better prospects?

OP, if he leaves and they don't have anyone who can do his job, then you do your job and the other stuff does not get done. If an employer expects you to do two people's workload at the same pay then please run a mile. You're putting expectations on yourself that you shouldn't. If he leaves you don't need to do your and his job. If an internal candidate picks up his work then it will be their responsibility to do it. If they don't do that then it's on them and not you.

I also think it's possible the internal candidates are more capable than you think they are but you have rose-tinted glasses on regarding your DP. Which is fine (and sweet actually) but sounds like you might be catastrophising a little because of it. It is sad if he changes job but try to stop worrying it's all going to come down to you to do everything. If your DP leaves and it starts turning into that then set you're employers expectations of what can and can't be done. You sound like you're very capble and must work well if you've been there for a long time but are having a bit of a wobble about change. No one likes change really so you're not the only one. Also, he might not even change jobs anyway!

Best of luck! I'm sure all will be ok in the end

Fgs, have a sensible talk with him. Let him know you'll absolutely support him if he decides he really wants the new job but let him know how much you value him as a colleague and how good he is at his current job.

If you’ve worked in the same government type role for ten years maybe it’s time you look for something new too? A promotion? Something more specialist that really focuses on the bits of the job you like? Or something that broadens your role? Internal or outside if you prefer.