If as a teenager, you drank alcohol, smoked or took drugs while you still lived at home with your parents

[Mangoberries]

Did your parents know or did you have to hide it from them?
Did they prefer you drank/smoked/took drugs indoors so they could be there if you needed them/supervise you or did they forbid you from doing this under their roof?
Did your friends also smoke/drink/take drugs at your house, or did you go to your friends houses?
How long did you drink/smoke/take drugs for?

AIBU to think that if you allow a teenager to do something in your house, with your full knowledge, to keep them safe, then this has no bearing on how many years they will smoke/drink/take drugs for?

YABU Teenagers who are permitted to smoke/drink/take drugs while living at home, in the full knowledge of their parents are probably still going to be smoking/drinking/taking drugs years later.

YANBU Teenagers who are permitted to smoke/drink/take drugs with their parents knowledge are not more likely to develop a regular habit or continue smoking/drinking/drug taking for years.

My parents were pretty liberal (about this sort of thing) and also my dad was a big drinker.

I drank and smoked (on and off the premises) from the age of about 15. They clearly didn't like the smoking but didn't say anything about it. I didn't drink heavily in front of them but they knew I drank out socially and they offered me wine with meals.

I can see the arguments for the "relaxed" approach and I understand why people say its better to tacitly tolerate it in order not to drive kids away, but I would never parent my own child like this tbh. I think the signals it sends are a) that this is totally normal behaviour and b) that we don't really care enough to bother trying to stop you.

Of course I would have been pissed off if I'd been blocked from doing this at the time, but at some level what I really wanted is for my parents to take an interest in my emotional and social wellbeing. They were obsessed with academic achievement and me getting a good job so they nagged me all the time about that but I never felt my emotional wellbeing was important to them. The fact that they basically didn't give a shit if I was out until 3am at age 17 made me feel very abandoned.

A lot of parents where I grew up had similar lax parenting standards (trendy lefty type thing). In many cases it was very damaging and a lot of kids of my peer group went quite badly and irreparably off the rails.

I will be much much more disciplinarian with my DD.

@thepeopleversuswork

My parents were pretty liberal (about this sort of thing) and also my dad was a big drinker.

I drank and smoked (on and off the premises) from the age of about 15. They clearly didn't like the smoking but didn't say anything about it. I didn't drink heavily in front of them but they knew I drank out socially and they offered me wine with meals.

I can see the arguments for the "relaxed" approach and I understand why people say its better to tacitly tolerate it in order not to drive kids away, but I would never parent my own child like this tbh. I think the signals it sends are a) that this is totally normal behaviour and b) that we don't really care enough to bother trying to stop you.

Of course I would have been pissed off if I'd been blocked from doing this at the time, but at some level what I really wanted is for my parents to take an interest in my emotional and social wellbeing. They were obsessed with academic achievement and me getting a good job so they nagged me all the time about that but I never felt my emotional wellbeing was important to them. The fact that they basically didn't give a shit if I was out until 3am at age 17 made me feel very abandoned.

A lot of parents where I grew up had similar lax parenting standards (trendy lefty type thing). In many cases it was very damaging and a lot of kids of my peer group went quite badly and irreparably off the rails.

I will be much much more disciplinarian with my DD.

I think you have a point about parents who are very relaxed about this stuff giving off vibes that they don't actually care. My dd has mentioned this in relation to a couple of her friends, and the friends themselves have commented that their parents don't care enough to stop them.

I don't think going all disciplinarian on them is the answer though. Teenagers tend to push back and rebel against overly controlling parents.

Personally, I think it's all about relationship. Mutual trust and respect, good communication, reasonable behaviour on both sides.

Haven't voted as not sure but for me df ignored the fact I came home steaming drunk fairly regularly probably because we had been through the trauma of dm dying and he most likely though it was something I needed to do. I stopped drinking by nineteen and have been teatotal for 35 years so it was a shortlived phase. I've never smoked (dm died of lung cancer) but know he would have hit the roof if I had.
For my dc I've never had alcohol in the house but would buy them alcohol to take to parties etc. I would never have allowed them to smoke in the house and none of them did out of it (propaganda from small might have helped there) As adults none of them drink regularly, some never drink at all, none of them smoke, vape or do drugs. Suspect they inherited my very boring gene.

I've never smoked or taken drugs. Was never interested and was v meek. Parents approach was discouragement and suggesting disappointment; I was advised not to do either but wasn't told I "wasn't allowed" or threatened with dire consequences. They wouldn't have hit the roof with anger AT me - they're more the support you through it type- but I know they still would have been disappointed and angry and very upset.

That said, neither was a taboo topic as they wanted me to have knowledge about why not to etc. My parents always said to talk to them if I was curious about taking drugs and that they would always be there for me... definitely decreased any lingering allure, lol. My dad smokes so couldn't tell me not to, but used to tell me to save my money and not start. Seeing how it impacted my mum and living with the smell etc meant I never wanted to.

In contrast, I was allowed sips of wine at an early age and they were open about drinking in front of me and discussing drinking responsibly. I was allowed an occasional drink and by the time I was old enough to go out and drink, it held no allure. They accepted I'd maybe get drunk- the approach was once tells you your limits, to repeatedly test those limits is stupidity. I rarely get drunk and enjoy but don't need alcohol. I think they got it right.

I think you have a point about parents who are very relaxed about this stuff giving off vibes that they don't actually care. My dd has mentioned this in relation to a couple of her friends, and the friends themselves have commented that their parents don't care enough to stop them.

I think that - like a lot of parenting, really - this is more about the wider relationship than the specific parenting choice. I never felt that my parents didn't care - I knew very much they did - and in a way their approach was a lot more effort for them than zero-tolerance would have been - for instance my dad came and picked me up every Friday night (for years! Thanks, dad!) because then he knew I was safe. We talked a lot and I confided in them a lot. My best friend's parents, though, were superficially quite similar in outlook but in their case it did feel like they couldn't be bothered. They would often have no idea where she was overnight and wouldn't seem to be fussed about it. The difference was really palpable even though in both cases they were parents who allowed drinking.

Sorry, I realised missed a bit. Anecdotally, YANBU. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. But I do drink - not more getting hammered and throwing up but I still drink probably half the week so it’s a bit excessive.

I actually don’t think what my parents did or didn’t do would have made a difference. I didn’t respect them anyway and they didn’t seem to be all that interested or bothered in me. It was my peer groups, my relationships, where I live, who I work with, etc that has all shaped who I am and my attitude to drink/drugs/cigarettes. But I was bright, had middle class friends who I emulated and had opportunities different from my parents (uni, for example).

So I don’t think being allowed to do those things increases or decreases your likelihood to continue in similar patterns but I think it can be part of many combined factors.

But another random anecdotal case - the biggest druggie I know came from a very overbearing family (no friends round, no staying out, grounded often - definitely no drinking at home, etc). She’s very much a psychedelic hippie now (or otherwise a middle class, well liked drug user). Take that as you will.

I wasn’t allowed to drink at home until I was 16 or 17 when I would get a small glass of wine for special occasions. I drank from about 15 and when I moved into student halls at 17 I would get absolutely hammered. Looking back I really put myself at risk on a number of occasions, wrecked some relationships and had health issues during my 20s that I think were linked to alcohol consumption. I continued to hide my alcohol consumption from my parents into adulthood. My mum thinks I had a stomach bug during my hen weekend which she was on, but I was really hungover (I was 30 by then!). I hope I’ll have a far more open relationship with my children so I can help guide them to balance enjoyment and risk.

I wasn't "allowed" but from the age of 13 they didn't know where I was or who I was with as they were far too busy with their own lives. They would be shocked. I don't smoke or do drugs now, haven't since I was 18.

Since having my own children they never got the opportunity until they were at uni other than a small beer on holiday with us. They are now adults. Neither smoke, one dabbled in drugs at uni but not since and both drink very little.

Was allowed a drink - wine and lemonade with meals at my Dads; wine on high days and holidays at Mums; my Grandma liked a drink and was offering me a Sherry before lunch, wine during and a 6pm G and T from about 13.
I drank very moderately at Uni. Since then I drink only socially and occasionally at home eg a beer with a takeaway, wine with special family meal.
I was not allowed to smoke at home as a teen, though I smoked heavily from 17 until
I had my first baby in my late 30s, stopped and never gone back.
No way would I have ever tried to take illicit substances at home, nor broached the subject.

I was allowed to drink.

I smoked and took drugs without my parents knowledge. I don't do any of it now.

My parents were very erratic in what they were ok with and what they won’t. They were permissive on some things and ridiculously strict on others with no apparent logic.

Smoking - they allowed (in the garden).

Cannabis - they allowed. Other drugs they didn’t.

Drinking they sort of allowed. My dad was an alcoholic so they didn’t in any way model a sensible relationship with alcohol but were then livid when I didn’t have a sensible relationship with it.

Sex they were positively Victorian about. My mother had a fit at me when she found condoms in my drawer when I was 21.

I went off the rails and had a lot of bad sexual experiences, had a terrible relationship with alcohol and smoked until I was in my mid-20s.

With my own children I’m going to aim for the approach @AlexaShutUp describes. Just being respectful and open and explaining why I’m not ok with certain things (ie because it could be harmful to them). Who knows if I’ll get it right but I’ll try!

I drank with my family, though I wasn't that into wine when I lived at home. There was an expectation that if I went to a party I would probably drink. They didn't buy me a fake ID or buy me booze, but they didn't judge about it, and I know I could have called them if I'd been stuck in any kind of situation.

I smoked secretly and I knew that wouldn't go down well. They weren't terribly interested in catching me or looking for it, but also didn't condone it.

They were fairly disapproving of drugs and often discussed family friends kids who struggled with addiction. There was an expectation that we might dabble, but that it was best to say no. There was always an open dialogue about it, and I knew I could ask anything I needed to.

The general vibe in my house was non-judgemental and accepting, with an undercurrent of high expectation that you either wouldn't fuck up, or that you'd come clean and get whatever help you needed from within the family to sort it out if you did fuck up.

They'll never admit it, but what kids really want from their parents is boundaries. And acceptance. But mostly boundaries.

@AlexaShutUp

I don't think going all disciplinarian on them is the answer though. Teenagers tend to push back and rebel against overly controlling parents.

You're right and "disciplinarian" probably isn't the right word. I'm not planning on endlessly grounding my DD/throwing her out if I don't like her behaviour or anything like that. "Boundaries" is probably a better word. Plus an open and frank relationship and an encouragement to discuss things which could lead to problems.

But I have seen enough examples of kids from very permissive families going badly off track to not want to adopt this approach with my DD.

I suppose it depends in part what you consider "permissive" as well: if you drink (normally) you're less likely to be shocked at the prospect of your kids drinking socially than if you're teetotal. Everyone has different codes for their own behaviour. If you smoke you're not likely to be hugely surprised if your kids smoke.

But I think the idea that young teenagers can self-regulate their social behaviour and use of mind-altering substances is a dangerous road.

Everyone I knew smoked, drank and took the occasional drug as a teenager. The ones with the "cool" permissive parents were the only ones, to my knowledge, to end up in trouble with drugs.

This is my experience too. I was allowed a drink at home from the age of 16 but it wasn't a really regular occurrence, occasional bottle of beer or a glass of wine with my parents was no big deal.

I smoked (cigarettes and weed) and did all of my getting really drunk out with friends at their houses or in the park. My parents would have been horrified by the smoking but especially any drug taking so I would have never, ever been allowed to do that in front of them.

I haven't done any drugs since University, drink and smoke cigarettes occasionally in social settings but not a regular occurrence. The friends I knew at school and university that had permissive parents and smoked weed together etc still do drugs and actually harder ones now as an adult (eg Uni friend who used to get stoned with her dad is now a regular cocaine user.)

I would say that most parents are strict about these things and don't allow it in their home. Most adults function well and are not alcoholics/smokers/drug users. I think those two things are related.

@ThreeRingCircus

Yep. I knew quite a lot of kids whose parents smoked weed (in some cases with them) and a frighteningly high percentage of the kids went on to use harder drugs.

It signals to the kids that there's no need for an off switch.

I was caught smoking and grounded twice, when I was 15, before my mother gave up and let me smoke (in the back garden). I still smoke.

I was allowed to drink at home or in friends houses from 14, but stopped drinking when I was 25, and I have a few maybe once or twice a year now.

Drugs were a huge no no, I came home "wiped out" a few times, when I was 17, and was sent to live with a relative, I never lived with my mum again. There was more to it, but the drugs were the tipping point. I stopped drugs when I got pregnant at 19, and I never went back to them.

*I should add the smoking age was 16 then, so I was only a few months away from being legally allowed.

Yes, to all of the things mentioned. They knew I smoked and drank alcohol from about 16 I suppose. They didn’t encourage it but it was fairly ‘normal’ behaviour then (early nineties). They didn’t like the smoking at all and I suppose my mum was very ‘disappointed’ about that but there wasn’t much she could do, I guess.

My mum shared her cigarettes with me when I was 15, she didn't realise that the pack she kept in the cupboard for special occasions as she was only a social smoker had been replaced many times as I had smoked them. I was out drinking from being 14, getting served in the local pubs & going in nightclubs from 15. I first smoked weed in the sixth form smoking room at school.

My parents knew but I never admitted it! I would prefer to know. Luckily my dd doesn't smoke we allowed a small amount of drinking but I'm sure more happened than we knew about

No idea to be honest

I had the odd glass of wine at home but got wasted, smoked cigarettes and took hard drugs regularly as a teenager as far as I know without my parents knowledge. Had some friends whose parents were more lax (or knew more) than my parents, some who were stricter. The friend with the strictest parents went the most off the rails but now 2 decades later we’re all functioning members of society with jobs and families and I think for the most part don’t take drugs and don’t smoke and can’t handle hangovers anymore!

Dad let us partake of his generous supply of weed, and alcohol wasn't even controversial once we hit 16. Both parents smoked (still do).

Very different outcomes for me and my sibling:

I, being the rebellious one (yes, irony alert!), mostly took the stance that "if mum and dad think it's alright it can't possibly be all that cool!". I did smoke weed and drink in social settings but never much. Started smoking at uni, quit in my late 20s.

My sibling, the "easy, compliant child" went with anything that was allowed and has stuck to it. She's in her late 30s at this point.

Drinking was tolerated from around 16 but I would make efforts to hide drunkenness from my parents (especially Dad). Neither of my parents drank much at all, so it was more coming home drunk from a night out than drinking at home.

I didn't ever smoke cigarettes but I did smoke weed/hash a lot from around 16 and did other recreational drugs from 17/18 till about 25. My mum knew me and my friends smoked weed sometimes and was actually quite amazingly open minded (for a middle class square) and read up and told me that she didn't like it, but she preferred the idea of the odd spliff to alcohol poisoning every saturday night... My dad would have been much less tolerant. She didn't know about the other drugs (e's / acid/coke - party drugs) but may have suspected on occasion.

I stopped everything at 25 and now don't even really drink.

DD is 16 and i know she has smoked weed with her mates and we talk about it and I have explained that skunk is much more potent and a greater threat to mental health than what we smoked in the late 80s early 90s. She doesn't drink much - the odd party - and we have talked about when weed goes from being the occasional bit of fun to a problem. I try to be very open whilst also being clear about where my lines are in the hope of keeping a dialogue open. The other big thing we have talked about with weed is the danger of the people you have to engage with to get it and the slippery slope from 'getting some for your mate' to 'dealing'.

I very much hope the novelty will wear off soon and at hte moment, I think it will. If not, I will step in as hard as necessary.