AIBU to not want to listen to all my friends trauma?

4 replies

Sugarfreebaker · 18/02/2022 12:42

I have realised that over the years I've spent a lot more time listening to other people's issues than unpacking my own trauma to them. This is a general thing, but I have two friends in particular I've known for over a decade now. We are all friends with each other and live in the same town, but it seems that they both, especially one of them, tell me a lot more than they tell each other. And by that I mean they are unloading the details of how bad they feel or what they're going through to me rather than each other. One of them even said to me recently, she doesn't tell the other that much because she has gone through a split from her partner and she has her own s#5# to deal with. I wasn't upset at the time, but it was only later I realised she was minimising my own trauma. I've had relationship breakdown in the form of family estrangement and have spent most of the pandemic alone WFH barely seeing anyone I know. I have great friends which I'm thankful for and many good things going for myself in terms of career, freelance work etc, but as she knows I battle with anxiety and feel very low at times due to childhood issues and previous issues in workplaces. So I started to feel annoyed at the inherent suggestion that what I've went through isn't as 'bad' as what she and the other friends have experienced, and that it's OK for me to be an unpaid 24/7 therapist but the other friend can't. I've noticed that both of them, especially the friend who said that, quickly move the conversation on when I have recently tried to open up about anything deep. They both have counsellor btw (which I don't). It is what it is, and they're entitled to their boundaries but my question is AIBU to now make similar boundaries and limit what I listen to from them? That is what I have been doing recently and it feels so good tbh.

OP posts:

EmmaH2022 · 18/02/2022 12:49

Are you me?

I had been really upset to lose friends over lockdown but I am starting to think they weren't a loss.

I feel as if society tends towards hyperbole and melodrama. I talk less about things perhaps.

One friend kept telling me lockdown was especially hard for her because her mum died a while before.

She seems to have forgotten my dad died five months later. She genuinely seemed shocked when I reminded her, as if my not wanting to discuss it at the time meant I didn't care, or something.

I also had "I forget you have anxiety because you never talk about it".

Do you want to confront them or just quietly drift away?

UnsuitableHat · 18/02/2022 12:54

I think that if you offer yourself to other people in an 'unpaid therapist' type role (i.e. listen to all their stuff and help them unpack it), they'll take advantage - understandably so in a way, as they'll think you're happy to fulfil that role. If you're annoyed by it, you're absolutely right to set boundaries. In terms of your own stuff, I think that's trickier - you deserve to be listened to, but if they aren't prepared to give you that space and attention (e.g. if they find it hard to get off the topic of themselves) there's not much point in you trying to open up to them - it's not going to help you. Hope you do have some support though.

Cyclemarine · 18/02/2022 13:04

@EmmaH2022

Are you me?

I had been really upset to lose friends over lockdown but I am starting to think they weren't a loss.

I feel as if society tends towards hyperbole and melodrama. I talk less about things perhaps.

One friend kept telling me lockdown was especially hard for her because her mum died a while before.

She seems to have forgotten my dad died five months later. She genuinely seemed shocked when I reminded her, as if my not wanting to discuss it at the time meant I didn't care, or something.

I also had "I forget you have anxiety because you never talk about it".

Do you want to confront them or just quietly drift away?

I guess these are universal experiences unfortunately

And yeah your friends behaviour sounds so similar to my friends albeit in a different context. And I'm sorry for your loss, losing anyone in lockdown but especially your Dad must have been so tough.

Super weird how some people expect others only to listen to them, but don't really want to process that the listener has things they're going through too

I don't want to confront them on it and not do I want to end the friendship but I do want to continue having these boundaries up so they don't over-share with me. I just end up feeling kind of used otherwise since I know it won't be reciprocated. However, they are not bad people..I think they have just got too comfortable with seeing me as 'the strong one'.

Starting to think perhaps the people who get the most help with anxiety etc are the ones who shout the loudest and those of us a bit quieter about it are somewhat forgotten.

Cyclemarine · 18/02/2022 13:13

@UnsuitableHat

I didn't even consider nipping it in the bud because I was genuinely sympathetic and was happy to help them out. I do understand them taking advantage of my willingness to listen, but my issue was they didn't reciprocate. For example, there are people I may have a rant to about banal stuff like something at work, but I'd fully be prepared to listen to the sam back if you know what I mean? I guess everyone is different though.

Yep I totally agree ,which is why I haven't opened up to them any more after I initially tried. That is their prerogative and I'm not going to force it. Yes, I have some support thank you :)

I just feel slightly petty about it but overall I am glad that I've closed the 24/7 therapy shop.

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