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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What should I do?

7 replies

Nostrings457 · 17/02/2022 23:39

Hi, feeling so low and need some advice. 10+ year relationship with DCs. I married my best friend. The stresses of parent life got in the way and we drifted. I was doing doing 99% of childcare & household chores and it became too much as I also work FT. His social life became a priority over family. (He doesn’t agree) But he went out one weekend and stayed out for 3 nights with friends (alcohol and cocaine). No concerns about an OW. On return we he apologised, was ashamed etc but we agreed it best to have some time apart and we have.

Weeks down the line we are still separate, he doesn’t want to separate but also not willing to commit to making necessary changes. I feel very strongly about marriage being for life (partly cultural) but my own values and morals tell me I deserve better that his current ways. (Wasn’t always like this).

He is working, unsociable hours but having bare minimum contact with me and DC (I am shocked at this). Despite Hours he could be doing a lot more.

I feel like I am clinging on to hope that he will commit to change. I’m waiting for him to call the shots but l don’t know if I should see it for what it is and make the decision to end out marriage. I have already attempted to do this but he has convinced me for more time for him to think. He’s had a month though and I’m running out of patience.

I’m working FT, looking after the DC pretty much single handedly and feel like I am in the limbo / the most drawn out break up ever. Can’t sleep or relax and have developed crippling anxiety over the whole thing

Finding it difficult to speak to people in RL

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 17/02/2022 23:42

Would he commit to marriage counselling? I'd want to see him putting some work in. Doing housework, helping with kids

Pumpkintopf · 17/02/2022 23:43

Doesn't sound like he's committed op. Says he doesn't want to separate- but his behaviour says differently. He's clearly making no effort and is leaving you, as usual, spinning all the plates.

Honeyroar · 17/02/2022 23:44

Would counselling help? For you on your own and as a couple? He does sound like he’s massively taking the piss and not making much effort to change. You can’t go on like that much longer. You’ve given him time. Time to give him a deadline- he’s got one more week to pull himself together and step up or you’re seeing a solicitor. And mean it.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 18/02/2022 00:00

Sorry OP, I think allowing him to continue to string you along is a mistake. He needs more time to think? What is there to think about really? Either he loves you and your kids or he doesn't, it's as simple as that. If you don't remember it, listen to lyrics of the song by Beautiful South 'A Little Time', in my opinion that sums this situation up. Don't waste your time waiting around for this man who is clearly no longer committed to you, get on and live your life.

Nostrings457 · 18/02/2022 00:09

I think I need counselling for myself to get over the whole sorry mess. I never imagined splitting and not that had given it much thought but probably envisaged a lot of anger. But it’s just sadness which I think is making it harder.

You’re right and I know it, actions speak louder than words.

Have never paid attention to those lyrics before by Beautiful South, it is indeed my situation. I just need to come to terms with it I suppose

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2022 00:16

If he gave a fuck he would be at home with you, doing whatever it takes to repair your marriage. He's not.

Don't allow him to string you along.

HappyDays40 · 18/02/2022 04:28

Sounds to me like he is loving this all of the perks of marriage and none of the harder bits of family life. He is having a lovely long break while you are breaking your back OP.

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