Feel like im drowning in responsibilities and can't cope

[Newbabynewhouse]

Posting on AIBU because i never have a response when i post on other threads, sorry!

Looking for hand hold and advice if any.. first time mum, baby is 12 months, in uni 2 days a week, finished job after maternity leave, partner works full time..

Im really struggling with life at the moment, my baby doesnt sleep properly, she wrigglea around in her cot at night constantly and drops her dummy then cries and sometimes wakes for periods of 3 hours at a time in the middle of the night wanting to play! This is pretty much every night and im exhausted! Partner does help as much as poss but is up at 4.30ish for work, im finding it difficult to get out as she hates her car seat and screams to the point of being sick which gives me anxiety to the point of i cry in the car so stopped going out.. dont really have many friends who live by me with kids so hardly see anyone, dont find time to cook a healthy meal, shower etc as if i leave her she cries for attention..

I feel like by now i should know what im doing and have a healthy routine but i don't! My health visitor is not good... family dont really help due to own health issues and commitments.. to top it off, she keeps being too ill to go into nursery on the days she is meant to (2 days when im in uni) so i keep missing uni (in last year + graduating in a few months if i manage to get my work done!!) Like having conjunctivitis or a temp (due to covid the nursery wont have her if shes had a temp and she needs drops for her eyes but dr doesn't want to give them yet)

I feel like the odd occasion that i do get a break when shes in nursery i have so nuch to do that i harsly even scratch the surface and now feel like in drowimg in hosuework, lack of sleep and university work..

Never feel like i have time to myself to actaully enjoy life

Lying here at 11.30 been trying to sleep since 9pm but baby been fussing as usual and it keeps me awake..

Hi I don’t think I can give much practical advice but just wanted to say you’re not alone, keep going! My circumstances are similar and its tough 💗

Can you put her in a different bedroom to sleep?

Lots of sympathy here! Both of mine have been terrible sleepers and everything was shit until they started sleeping better.

Is baby in the same room as you? If so can you move her to her own room? How do you deal with her in the night when she wants to play?
Have you tried sleep training?

Can she go to nursery for an extra day or half day? So you get a bit of a break and some time to think.

Also, it's ok for your baby to cry while you have a shower, or do other things that need to be done. She will get used to a different way of doing things pretty quickly if you can bear to listen to the crying initially. You could even take her in the shower with you.

So sorry. Sleep deprivation is tough and that feeling that you don’t get time to yourself, especially through the night. I can relate to that.
Can your partner have the baby earlier in the evening so you can get some unbroken sleep? Even if it’s in a different room or on the on the sofa?

Hi Op
Have a look at " A mother far from home" website. I'm a single mum and completely understand how tough it can be trying to juggle everything sometimes on very little or no sleep. I did find some little techniques and helpful hints on there whether it's getting LO to sleep or routine etc. Also as hard as it may be definitely continue with play dates going out. Getting out of the house even just for fresh air will help tremendously. It does get better 💐

Hi, OP

I can feel your exhaustion just from your post.

Have you tried co-sleeping? I know it is not for everyone but it has really helped me with my daughter.

Also, l would speak to your university ASAP about any support available as l am sure they have or have had other people with similar situations.

In regards to the car seat, the more your daughter is in it, the more used to it she will get. My daughter, hates the car seat too but it is a non negotiable. If your daughter is screaming, l would advise that you, park up somewhere and calm her down and then back in the car seat. But l can completely understand how overwhelming it can be when the baby is screaming .

As long as,she is safe, l wouldn't worry about her crying if you want to cook, take a shower. You can take her into the bathroom. Or, put the tv on for her so that she is occupied while you cook.

One thing l do is make food very early in the day, so dinner is ready. I cook curries, so its just heating up.

But maybe get all thr prep down early in the morning, and then that saves you time and makes things easier.

Like you, l have no family support and my husband has early shifts so l am alone 80% of the time.

You can do this, l thought l couldn't but have learned so much about my own residence. You are juggling a lot, but doing great.

Resilience**

Oh my dear, sending you lots of love. It can be so hard.

Children are very different and their sleeping patterns / habits are very different (I have three).

I can really relate you how you feel as I also studied (online) whilst being a stay at home mum. My DH has a physical disability and my mental health suffered at times.

It is so hard to know over the Internet but this is what I would do in your situation given your post.

1. I would speak to the university. Explain that you are exhausted, struggling and that you mental health is suffering. See if you can take a break for one semester. Not longer. Mind you because then it may be hard to come back.

2. spend this time trying to heal yourself and your baby. I don’t think I realised until my third how strong the between mother and child can be. It is very likely that your baby often is really upset because she feels that you are upset.

Sleep: I would co-sleep for a while. I never did with my oldest but it was a life saver with my younger two, especially my boy. At 12 moths the main risks with co-sleeping should be minimal. Put your baby with you in bed, read her stories. Then read your own book (loud if you can, it will bore her to sleep). Then put her in her cot if you can but if she wakes up, just get her, snuggle her and let her feel loved in your arms.

Chores: bring her with you. Explain to her about the laundry (30 C /40C / 90 C). Sort it with her, explain why whites are separate. Put her in a high chair when you cook. Give her a wooden spoon. Let her smell the herbs. Give her a pice of cucumber to eat, eat one yourself.

Getting out: do you have any play groups nearby? We found three different church playgroups. You paid £1, it was two hour, lots of toys and unlimited tea for mums. It saved my sanity to be able to not interact for two hours a day. Some mums made friends, I just wanted to be keeping an eye on an occupied, safe and happy DD whilst playing with my phone.

Others: we went for walks in the park (spotting squirrels and ducks) and we treated ourselves to coffee if I was feeling awful. Starbucks did babychinos (just frothed milk in an espresso cup) and I would have a large coffee. We often spent minutes smelling the chocolate, vanilla and cardamon powders and choosing which to sprinkle.

Naps: I think your DD still needs a midday nap, or (my “baby” in 9, I have forgotten how long my children napped). All my children were impossible if they had too little sleep midday. It even made it harder for them to go to sleep at night. I remember reading that an overtired baby can fight sleep for up to two hours. With my girls, I often napped with them. It really helped me to catch up on sleep as well. With my boy, I put him in the pram and took him for a walk just to make sure he got his nap. He was a terrible sleeper but so grizzly and unhappy when overtired and the loveliest boy in the world when rested. He wouldn’t fall asleep by himself or on me so walk it was. I cannot remember what we did in the evenings, I think a massive bottle of milk, stories and an active day made bedtime ok-ish but he was waking up around midnight. I just took him in my bed in the end and we never looked back.

Look at how you can lighten the load for a bit. Can you defer uni for a year?

Does you partner ever take time off work when baby is ill from
nursery?

Thank you so much for the replies evryone i am reading through and taking the advice..its nice to know im not alone as most people i know dont feel the way i do..

I have tried cosleeping and it used to work well but since she has learned to crawl and almost walk, she just constantly wants to pull herself up on the headboard and bounce around! So ive stopped putting her in bed with me now

Uni - i cant really have a break as im literally in my last semester and meant to be graduating im a few months so id be putting if off for another year and have to do the whole year again if i took a break now..

Yes partner has days off soemtimes, in fact hes had one off today because once again all night baby was fussy so i had about 1 hour sleep..

Last night she seemed to be breaking wind alot so now were wondering whether she has an intolerance to something as shes never settled at night and was put om anti reflux milk from a few months old..