To think my friend is a tad strange with her child

[Spooked102]

I have a good friend we’ve been friends for years and both have had babies the same year and a few months apart, we both have toddlers and go on play dates before this we used to go on nights out together shopping and have a laugh. I love spending time with our daughters but she seems way too attached to her baby ( didn’t think I’d ever say that as someone who went through infertility btw!) I’ve noticed whenever I go to pick her child up or hold her she tries to stop him from coming to me and then pulls a face when he puts his arms out for me and I hold him, also asked her a few times to have a kid free day/night to which she tells me her boyfriend (child’s dad) won’t look after their son. She’s always saying she has no breaks or time away so then I suggest and she always makes an excuse, I haven’t mentioned anything and wouldn’t but am I right thinking he has some issues being away from her child? The pulling a face when her son comes to me I find really strange but I also understand we all parent differently

OP, I'd just do things your way, and let her do things her way.

My children's dad was more than capable of looking after them when they were babies, and I was a SAHM so probably did my fair share of saying "OMG, I need a break" - but in practice, I would have sooner have poked my eyes out with forks than leave them in the evenings. Or at all, in fact. I think I was also a bit funny about PFB being physically close to anyone other than my husband (the DC's dad) or my parents.

They are all well adjusted adults now.

What kind of face is she pulling? Do you think she’s jealous/sad her baby comes to you?

Perhaps baby's dad is utterly useless (as many men on here seem to be) or actually a danger to the baby (addiction issues?) and as much as she'd love a break, she doesn't feel the baby would be safe being left? I know that was my situation when I was with an addict.

Hi OP, just wondering if you've noticed if your DF is depressed. She seems down from what you've said - i mean, her DP is acting like an AH for starters! Anyway, depression or low mood might be why she wants her DC to rehect you; he's her anchor, if you will, so she's clingy.
You're a good friend; stay like that. Having read your posts, she needs you, so help her work out what's wrong. Ask her why she pulled a face; she might not even be aware she did it.

Good luck x

If her child is still a baby or not far beyond that, I would say it isn't unusual. As the child grows older she may let go a bit more, it could just be too early right now.

You mention that you “give advice” a lot OP, I wonder whether your friend is actually looking for support and validation rather than being told what to do? Everyone parents their own way and there is nothing worse than unwanted parenting advice. If she seems like she needs to talk rather than telling her to “just leave them if you need a break” you could simply try: “yes, it is so hard. And you are doing amazing! Your baby is so happy/confident/beautiful/clever etc” She probably deserves to hear this x100 if her partner is useless. I’d be anxious too if I couldn’t even trust my baby’s dad to keep them safe. Just be there for her? It might help her open up more about her shitty partner as well. She sounds like a devoted mum.

My sister in law was a bit like that when her kids were smaller. I remember my sister was over visiting (she lives away) and she took one of the boys out for a walk and got him a baby hot chocolate, his first one. She had a fit! That she wasn’t there to witness him having his first hot chocolate. My sister sent her a video. She’s loosened up a bit as time has gone on.

Not unreasonable. As to people asking if it’s possible to be too attached to a child- yes it’s definitely possible to have an unhealthy attachment based on insecurity, control and anxiety just as it is possible within every other kind of relationship.

Sounds like she's a bit insecure and anxious about her role as a mum and her useless boyfriend won't be helping matters.
I used to feel a bit slighted if my youngest preferred anyone to me. I don't know if it was because she was my last or if I was a bit depressed but I did not want to share her. Dh was working away at the time.

Can you offer to have both kids and let her have a few hours break?

It is annoying when someone complains about something that they don't actually want to change. Just let her get on with it.

@Strawberry33

Not unreasonable. As to people asking if it’s possible to be too attached to a child- yes it’s definitely possible to have an unhealthy attachment based on insecurity, control and anxiety just as it is possible within every other kind of relationship.

This

I’ve never felt the need to try and pick up my friends kids tbf so would find it strange too. (Holding a new baby is fine) Don’t even really hug my child relatives that much since Covid rightly or wrongly.

Lots of posters criticising the Dad but perhaps she’s the same with him as she is with the OP when he tries to help.

@PolkaSpace

Lockdown and isolation may have played a part. But sounds like she just likes being with her kid in the most part and her partner is useless.

This.

I don't think anyone can necessarily assume the friend's partner is useless unless the OP can tell us otherwise. Some mums just don't want to leave their babies at all (I was one of them).