To want to change my child's surname

[Question887]

I'll try and keep this brief.

In a relationship almost 5 years. Have a 2.5 year old child. Child has dads surname, this wasn't really discussed I just did it and didn't have an issue.

Please no comments about marriage before child/I shouldn't have given him my partner's name. It's too late for that now.

He says will get married one day. However it's not happened and it's almost 5 years. I'm no longer relying on this.

So would I be unreasonable (given that marriage is not imminent) to ask if he would allow me to give our child my surname?

I already have an older child with his dads surname. So I have 2 children and share a surname with neither (I was married to my eldest father).

Furthermore my partner's ex, although remarried still uses my exes name. That's nothing to do with me and fine. However I feel a bit irked that my child shares a surname with my partner, his ex wife and their son and not me. It's a very unusual surname too and my partner and his father (in particular) are well known in a particular fiel of work. So his ex is recognised via the surname.

Why didn't you give both kids your name?

Please please don't change your child's surname just to have the same name as them, change yours to theirs!

My mum changed mine when I was very young, I always comment on these posts - the amount of extra life admin it has caused me is madness! I've had to keep copies of all of the legal documents showing my legal change of name (court documents etc), then I've had to provide these when registering for so many things (credit checks, mortgage, travel documents, passports, university), jobs (dbs checks, security clearances) and it's just been an absolute nightmare! My life would have been much easier if this hadn't happened.

I was married to my ex husband so initially I shared the surname. I felt weird about keeping it when we divorced. With my current child it just felt the right thing to do and we always discussed that we would get married.

I dont fancy your chances. He is putting off marriage, moving the goal posts, so the name is not the only issue. But go ahead and ask him.

Why dont you have the same surname as your oldest child?

@ohhooh I wouldn't change my name to his because it seems weird. Partner won't marry me so I change my surname to his...it would be embarrassing.

However, I didn't realise there would be a lot of extra admin related to this. So thank you for commenting as it's something to keep in mind.

If you want to get married issue the ultimatum. It can be small and cheap if he's worried about the cost/fuss.

This is the 3rd post today about changing child’s surname!

@RedCandyApple

This is the 3rd post today about changing child’s surname!

It would be easier to do away with last names and just use National Insurance number

@Question887 it's no problem! I think it's something a lot people don't realise about name changes, I don't think my mum knew either but by golly she does now 😂

I wouldn’t change the child’s name, it’s only to benefit you, there’s no benefit to your child (although no disadvantage either that I can see). And if you do get married one day you’ll have to change it again, or if you split with this guy and then marry someone else in the future then what? Given that the child already has this name i just don’t think it’s worth it based on what you’ve said. Also, would your other child question why their sibling gets your name and they don’t?

@Cakelover17 I do see your point and you raise some good issues. You're probably right it's mostly for my benefit, I'm embarrassed having 2 children and sharing a surname with neither. My partner has always said we wi get married but to be honest, words mean nothing and he's evidently full of crap. Realistically if we don't end up married, I won't be staying in the relationship. I just hate him sharing a name with his dad, his ex wife and their child and not me.

How about double barrelling both kids names?

Realistically if we don't end up married, I won't be staying in the relationship. how long will you give it though? I'd leave now. Loose the noncommitted partner but keep the kids last name it's their identity now too late

Change your name if you want it to match. But lose the fella.

@Cakelover17 that's a very sensible suggestion, however if he's not willing to marry me then I won't be asking for his surname.

@PolkaSpace good question. I won't be giving much longer, I'm getting too resentful. In my head I decided the end of this year and then I'm done. The thing is I think I'd look ridiculous just giving myself his surname, I'd look a bit nuts! It's a very unique name too, so not like I'm going to be a ' Jones' or 'Smith'..

@RedCandyApple

This is the 3rd post today about changing child’s surname!

Its almost like this relatively new fad of giving the child the father’s surname isnt actually the best idea.

@TracyMosby I suppose years ago marriage preceded children.
These days there are women stupid enough (me) to have children with men who make false promises and men that know they can get a woman to give birth to the child, care for the child and run around after them doing a their housework and cleaning without them having to marry her.