To cause an absolute uproar about this?! (Police and domestic abuse TW)

[justamumseekingadvice]

I have just found out what my ex-partner was arrested a couple of days ago for some really abusive text messages he sent me around 3 weeks ago (they have only just a managed to track him down and find him) and he has been allowed to walk free yet again!

He claims in his defence that he was anxious and stressed out about an upcoming court case we have with our daughter and contact visitation, and that I was abusive to him first in the conversation which distressed him and he just responded to that by being abusive back to me - they have believed him and his word and are taking no further action.

My piss is actually boiling!

Firstly, just because you’re apparently stressed it doesn’t give you the right to abuse someone. I am stressed out too about this court situation but I don’t start sending him abusive messages!

Secondly; It proves that they didn’t clarify his claims about me being ‘abusive’ at all because if they had asked him for proof they would see that I was not abusive at all throughout the entire conversation. Every time he was abusive all I kept saying was “please stop being abusive to me and keep conversation about our child only” or “okay” and that was it! He even actually got annoyed with me during the texting because I wasn’t being abusive back to him!

I have now sent the police officer my messages too and the entire conversation (not just the abusive parts from him) to show that he lied and even said that if he wrote that in a statement and signed it whilst knowingly being untruthful it’s an illegal offence and I’m waiting to hear back!

I’ve been in tears ever since because of the whole injustice of it - he is probably at home having celebration drinks because he has managed to lie his way out of his abuse yet again!

It takes so much courage to report your abuser and the police let them get away with so much even when the evidence is right in front of them, and they fail victims of domestic abuse so much and so often and actually is probably one of the key factors why it continues on and on!

If they refuse to re-arrest him based on the proof that clearly shows he has lied his way through the entire conversation I can’t take that lying down, I just can’t, this has been going on for nearly 9 years and he hasn’t once had to face the consequences of what he has done!

If they refuse I am thinking to make a formal complaint, take it to the independent office of police conduct and even go as far as to contact the MP responsible for domestic abuse safeguarding and local news outlet in the area associated with the police force highlighting the failings that victims of domestic abuse have to go through! I know it sounds a lot but I have done it before for something different and had success after actually making noise and making a fuss and not being a doormat!

Gosh I am sorry for the ramblings of a mad woman but I just can’t believe it, I no longer have any trust or faith in the police!

Bump

Although it's awful. I'm not sure they can actually put him away for abusive messages ? I'm not saying it's right though. Could it be he has been warned that if it happens again they will take him in. Or something similar

They were seeking to charge him for malicious communications when I reported it - it can carry a fine or community service.

So sorry to hear this.

Absolutely take it to the highest level.

No one should be able to claim innocence without being investigated.

@itsgettingweird it’s that part that has annoyed me the most - the way they literally took his word for it (even though social services see him as so much of a risk they have stopped him seeing our daughter) and let him go! With the messages in black and white for them to see, and how they just say ‘oh he is stressed, that’s why he done it’ oh yeah because it’s fine for everyone else to go and commit a crime when they’re having a bad day?! X

Personally I wouldn't try and resolve it informally - make the formal complaint.

But have low expectations. It's weighted in favour of the police - if the officer lies they will accept it as truthful without challenge.

The outcome of the complaint will likely be shit, however the act of escalating it that way may be enough to get them to deal with the original issue more appropriately.

You can only go to IOPC if there were inadequacies in the process used to investigate the complaint, not because you disagree with the outcome.

I would also caution against media involvement. The media are not on your side, they exist to make money - once you give them your story they can do what they want and pitch it however they want. Including making you look bad.

Do you have an IDVA? Take professional advice if you can on navigating the police.

I think you should.
It is only when people complain is action taken.
On paper.
Formally.
Email you request for their complaints procedure and your intention to take action.

If you make a formal complaint - keep it short and emotionless. Not the length of your post here and not as emotive.

Write it so somebody skim reading and not paying attention will still pick up the key details.

Deplorable, but sadly not surprising. Men bullying and intimidating women just isn't regarded as a problem by the police as an organisation.

If you have the time and energy to pursue a complaint, then more power to you. The more of us that do, the better. I wouldn't judge any woman who didn't feel she could stand up to it, though. It's soul-destroying and draining.

@formalineadeline

If you make a formal complaint - keep it short and emotionless. Not the length of your post here and not as emotive.

Write it so somebody skim reading and not paying attention will still pick up the key details.

Absolutely this.

Very brief.

Bullet points.

The key points are.

Complaint ignored.

You have proof.

Your intention to make a formal complaint.

Request their complaints procedure.

Agree about the way to complain.

Report made

Ex states stressed

Police accept this as a defence to abusive behaviour

Ex accuses me of abusing him.

No evidence requested.

Proof provided.

Would like cases reopened and investigated fully and properly as an outcome.

@itsgettingweird thank you this is a perfect way of putting it - concise and to the point! X

They may well try to talk you down and dissuade you.

Keep repeating you request for their complaints procedure and take badge numbers/names etc.

Also the duty sergeant.

My experience of the police has been fantastic on the rare occasions I have had dealings with them.

I accept this is not everyone's experience.

I am a complainer formally, so stress your intention to take this forward and you will not be bullied to drop it.

If you gave a statement (which I assume you did) you can ask for a Victim Right to Review (VRR) of the investigation which means an Inspector will review it. It doesn’t always mean a different outcome but if they feel more investigation was needed or the wrong decisions were made, it can possibly be reversed.
Check the Force website or call 101 to request it.

I recently made a statement regarding childhood sexual abuse and rape. Overall I found that the police were not trauma informed.

goblin