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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My best friends relationship with his mum is tearing us apart!

10 replies

Thetrinitylights · 17/02/2022 13:59

I’m not sure if I am unreasonable or not. I’ve been best friends with my friend for 14 years we are both 31. My best friend is a male and is gay (relevant).

The issue is his mum or my friends lack of stand up to his mum and although we have a great time im not sure I can continue.

BF lives with his mum, she has depression and anxiety and doesn’t work. She’s tried to claim PIP and other benefits but they’ve all come back rejected so she relies on my BF wages to live. She doesn’t want to work, and has openly said she wouldn’t manage working.

The issue is she treats my BF more like a husband than a son. If we are out for an hour for coffee or if we go see a film, friend guaranteed to get a call from his mum asking when he is coming home- sometimes after only half hour of being out.

She blackmails him by saying if he leaves she’ll be homeless, have nothing etc. He is the man of the house and does 90% of the jobs. I recently invited my friend to stay at mine for a few days as I live in a nearby city and we both had time off. He’s been here 3 days and she’s called probably on and off every two hours asking if he’s coming home.

He also can’t drive, as can’t afford too and his mums been texting calling me to take him home early. Even calling me “manipulative” for refusing to drive 40 miles in a storm at 11pm!

Friend will absolutely not stand up to his mum, and it’s got to the point where I feel annoyed that we are in our 30’s and basically have to ask his mum for permission to do anything.

I really love my friend but I’m not sure what to do?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 17/02/2022 14:09

If he won’t change the status quo, you won’t be able to either. Can you persuade him to ignore her calls or she is very vulnerable and needs the support? Is she on any meds? Would she agree to go to her go for help? If I were you, I would block her. Why on earth does she have your number? I find that a bit odd.

Beamur · 17/02/2022 14:12

Your poor friend. This is not a healthy dynamic. There's a forum on MN that you might get some good advice in. Look up the Stately Homes threads, it's all about difficult families.

T00Ts · 17/02/2022 14:14

I’m afraid at this point I’d be texting her back with some home truths.

PersonaNonGarter · 17/02/2022 14:15

This is beyond your control. You can establish your boundaries (definitely block the mother on your phone) but after that it is up to your friend to get therapy and get out.

Yuckypretty · 17/02/2022 14:17

How does your friend view his relationship with his Mum? Does he have a problem with it?
It sounds like he needs to find his mum some more support.

Nc4post99 · 17/02/2022 14:39

Where’s his father in this and was his childhood like this? Your friend may have been doing this so long and has been emotionally blackmailed for so long he might not even realise it’s that dysfunctional and emotionally abusive.

How does he feel quite generally about their relationship?

CorrBlimeyGG · 17/02/2022 14:46

You and mum sound as bad as each other. Poor man needs to stop people controlling him.

tkwal · 17/02/2022 15:19

If his Mum has been refused PIP she needs to appeal. If she has ever worked , or at least had national insurance credited to her then she can claim ESA or if none of these, universal credit. PIP criteria have recently been changed to take mental health issues more seriously. It could be worth it for you and BF to work towards getting her sorted out in this way to prevent her being so dependent on him. Maybe then he will be free to be himself

AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2022 15:27

@CorrBlimeyGG

You and mum sound as bad as each other. Poor man needs to stop people controlling him.
Why? What has the OP done :/
T00Ts · 17/02/2022 18:00

@CorrBlimeyGG

You and mum sound as bad as each other. Poor man needs to stop people controlling him.
Have you read something I haven’t? Where did you get that the OP was controlling?
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