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AIBU?

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Original poster

To quit online dating

24 replies

FuckThatBullshit · 17/02/2022 06:53

It's fucking grim. I'm 37. I went on there because I got very depressed about having so much to give to someone and the belief that I would actually be a really good partner to someone and I really don't like the thought of facing the rest of my life alone when everyone I know is married or will be. So I had this surge of "I know he's out there" positivity and signed up after being on there years ago and meeting a few decent guys, just with no spark. Well it's caused nothing but more damage. I'm not Cameron Diaz but I'm not totally ugly. I'm regularly told I look good and people are surprised I'm single (I personally don't find myself attractive but others do apparently). I'm not needy, I'm independent, I have a sense of humour I think I'm quite approachable I'm up for most fun things etc so I don't think I'm boring or anything. I'm presentable and wear nice clothes. Yet the guys I've matched with in the last week have either showed complete lack of ability to keep a conversation going or have randomly deleted me, one even straight after I'd said yes to a date after chatting all day. I had to laugh. What the fuck?! Also I hate to be nasty but a lot of the ones who have expressed an interest in me are just not for me and I would never be sexually attracted to them in a million years no matter what their personality is like. Personality and shared values is most important, attraction grows over time but at the same time you can look at someone and know you would NEVER have sex with them. The two men I've fallen in love with in the past in real life are both very average looking guys that didn't get a lot of female attention so I don't think I'm trying to punch above my weight only to get deleted by The Beautiful People. I'm not holding out for Chris Hemsworth or Dan Stevens. I'm an average person with average taste I'm not Samantha Brick I expect someone of my age to have a few greys or a bit of chub, as long as they are presentable hygienic make a bit of effort etc. But I can't help thinking bloody hell am I just butt ugly and don't realise it and these men I would never want is all I could have? Am I boring to talk to? Is that why I have such shit luck romantically? For the record I know I don't need a man, I know a relationship isn't everything. Neither is being unloved forever. It's absolutely fucking horrible out there.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckThatBullshit · 17/02/2022 06:58

Oh also I immediately deleted one guy because we talked about meeting and he straight away then made some joke about wearing his lucky boxer shorts. Fucking rancid. What is wrong with people? 😷

OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 17/02/2022 07:02

It's not you, and YANBU.

Original poster
FuckThatBullshit · 17/02/2022 07:05

Oh thank fuck for that. I didn't think I could feel more worthless to be honest. I was wrong. It doesn't half make you lose faith in human beings

OP posts:
ChiselandBits · 17/02/2022 07:09

Well it wasnt my experience to be honest. I had about a dozen perfectly nice guys for one, two dates and a couple that lasted a few months then found partner of five years so far. I'm perfectly OK looking but not stunning, single mum, own house etc but I was always clear I'd not be moving anyone in or blending families so cocklodgers were warned off I guess. It's up to you. If, on balance, the process pisses you off more than you gain from it, stop.

MimosaFields · 17/02/2022 07:13

It can be frustrating. I've been on it for 7 years, on and off. A few short-lived relationships and lots of dates. I delete my account every few weeks, and then I get bored and go back to it. If you are tired of it, just take a break. It's not worth getting frustrated over it

Original poster
FuckThatBullshit · 17/02/2022 07:14

Yes I've been honest without sounding bitter and have said I'm not the FWB type and I'm looking for someone with integrity etc.

OP posts:
Lightstoobright · 17/02/2022 07:19

What sort of dating app are you using? I don't understand why you're getting men you're not attracted to. Surely you have to swipe yes on the ones you're attracted to and then it shows you who you matched with?

Whiskersonkittens21 · 17/02/2022 07:24

YANBU

However when I was OLD I did find it depends what app/website you use.

I tried Plenty Of Fish and that seemed to be full of cast offs, serial daters and people who have been trying to OLD for decades with no luck.

I tried Tinder and although you did get more people wanting just Hook ups, because it's so popular there were much more normal men on there. Plus with you needing to swipe to match it helped filter out people you wouldn't want to speak to. I met DH on Tinder.

ladyface69 · 17/02/2022 07:32

It is brutally soul destroying and really shakes your faith in humanity. Paid sites are a little better. I met DH on a paid dating site.

Savoretti · 17/02/2022 07:39

I’d say it’s not for you. I really enjoyed it, had loads of dates with really nice guys. Managed to weed out the sex pests easily enough and it was all a good experience. If it’s not for you then stop, no problem.

PermanentTemporary · 17/02/2022 07:42

It is quite weird at times. I only used paid sites (and bloody hell they're expensive) and I do think they're a bit better in terms of finding people who are genuinely up for meeting. I think there are an increasing number of people who basically live online and are OK with that. It might improve post pandemic.

MimosaFields · 17/02/2022 08:15

@Lightstoobright

What sort of dating app are you using? I don't understand why you're getting men you're not attracted to. Surely you have to swipe yes on the ones you're attracted to and then it shows you who you matched with?
She must mean she's presented with pictures of men she's not attracted to. They surely can't start conversations unless she's swiped right
Lightning020 · 17/02/2022 08:18

If you join meet up groups you will find plenty of single women and men to befriend. That is where they are hiding!

Almostwelsh · 17/02/2022 08:27

Online dating has got a lot more difficult since lockdown. Anyone who hasn't been on it recently won't understand how it's changed.

I think a lot of people are just bored and on there to mess about. They have no intention of meeting anyone. I came off all the apps recently as it's just more and more difficult to even get a decent conversation with anyone.

It's not you OP.

KrisAkabusi · 17/02/2022 08:52

@FuckThatBullshit

Oh also I immediately deleted one guy because we talked about meeting and he straight away then made some joke about wearing his lucky boxer shorts. Fucking rancid. What is wrong with people? 😷
Honestly, I would just find that as a guy trying to have a bit of a laugh. It might be a bit forward, but I certainly wouldn't find it rancid. Could you not have made a joke back, laughed and said "no chance" or something less extreme than immediate deletion?
OhWhyNot · 17/02/2022 08:57

I didn’t like it

Had a few nice dates one friends with benefits and one guy still friends with

But I found it uncomfortable much of the time and decided it’s not for me

Totalwasteofpaper · 17/02/2022 09:06

Firstly it is grim Flowers

The app / platform makes a big difference and agree lockdown has changed the landscape somewhat (have heard this from more than 1 friend)

I have posted about it previously but I just treated it like a job. I logged 16-20 hours per week (& firmly kept my actual job to 40 hours per week) kept a few irons in the fire so it didn’t matter so much/hurt my feelings when a prick acted like a prick.

I met my DH on there but it took 3 years I also went in with an “I’d like to give myself the best shot to meet someone” attitude. While dating I also spent time and energy on building out my own life beyond work so even if I didn’t meet someone I’d have a nice life/circle of friends.

Original poster
FuckThatBullshit · 17/02/2022 09:22

Yeah I get that but sorry I just don't find it funny from someone who I haven't even met yet and don't even know if I'm attracted to (because I can't be attracted to a photo I have to spend time with the person). I'm all for flirting and dirty talk if I'm actually with someone or at least seeing someone but comments like that after an hour of messaging someone is only going to give me The Ick.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckThatBullshit · 17/02/2022 09:22

That was for @KrisAKabusi

OP posts:
Moonface123 · 17/02/2022 09:26

You have to ask yourself was his ex partner glad to see the back of him ?

Most of them are online for a reason, and they seem to have a very different agenda to what most women want, as in reep all the rewards of a relationship with zero effort.
l just can' t be bothered with it all to be honest. l much prefer meeting and talking to people in real life.
l think going online can remind you being alone isn' t so bad after all. Build the best relationship you have with yourself, make everything around you beautiful, thats what l' m doing and l have zero regrets.

WhatWouldKeanuDoo · 17/02/2022 09:28

I had very similar experiences with OLD, I’m now part of 3 Meetup groups & am having more fun than I have for years!

I was out last night in a large group in a pub surrounded by men, at least two of whom I’m attracted to. Not saying anything will happen with any of them but it’s better for my soul then talking crap to random strangers!!

ShinyMe · 17/02/2022 10:40

I've recently dipped back to old apps for the first time in a very long time (maybe 15 years) but this time it's even trickier as I'm now out and looking for women. I have no bloody clue what I'm doing, and omg there are so many unsuitable people on there! Maybe I'm just far too fussy!

Nonverba · 17/02/2022 21:00

I’m having similar issues with OLD. I’m either being sent message by old men, or catfishers or it’s people I honestly think eeeewwww when I read their profiles. I’m a single mum as well which doesn’t help as I assume it scares allot of men off. It feels bloody lonely at times

VladmirsPoutine · 17/02/2022 21:23

Yanbu. It's really a jungle out there.

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