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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I Feel Like a Fool. Lucky Escape?

17 replies

MsDataPotata · 17/02/2022 01:52

Name change.... cos I feel like a fool & posting in here for late night traffic.

Just almost been hoodwinked by my ex. He'd apparently changed but on his first week back working day shift, he's on the beer & back to his verbally abusive self. Of course, he only says these things for my own good or because I deserve it or because he's actually the nice guy victim & I'm the real abuser or because he loves me.

He's suddenly switched to being cocky because he's got himself a date on Saturday (via OLD) whom he deems suitably worthy of his attention (his sense of entitlement is off the scale). They've had a video call already & she's proved she's not ugly, short, fat & got nice teeth. I didn't go running back to him when he clicked his fingers you see, I was wary & he doesn't like having to wait for what he wants. I genuinely feel worried for her. She's in for a honeymoon period then a baptism of fire that'll see her self esteem hit the floor & her mental health spiral rapidly downwards..... unless she's an alcoholic in denial too, then they can make each other's life a misery.

I was so close to running back to him. Literally a whisker away. He's been so lovely for the last week (messages, voice calls & video calls). If I hadn't felt so ill today I'd have driven up tonight & I wouldn't have been able to resist him. I'd have abandoned everything good that I've built & rebuilt over the last few months, only for the cycle of abuse to start again.

I'm really upset because I'd put so much work into healing & then back he came, spinning a yarn because he was lonely & I fell for the 'new me' crap. BUT I suspect I'll look back in the future & think 'lucky escape'.

Sorry for the moan. Make me feel better please by telling me about your lucky escapes.

OP posts:
beeswain · 17/02/2022 06:24

Don't feel like a fool, you have worked hard on healing and spotted danger signs and acted. You should feel proud.

Toddlerteaplease · 17/02/2022 06:37

You are not a fool! You've recognised him
For what he is. Good for you.

pilates · 17/02/2022 06:42

Well done. You’ve done the right thing.

You have a good life to look forward to.

sHREDDIES19 · 17/02/2022 07:14

Well done and do not ever forget what he is really like underneath the facade. Bigger and better things will exist without him in your life that’s for sure.

skodadoda · 17/02/2022 07:18

He is your ex, stop engaging with him!

DrWankincense · 17/02/2022 07:21

Get him properly out of your life.
You know what he is, he's obviously shown you repeatedly.
Block his number. Go cold turkey. It'll be easier in the long run.

Stroppypants · 17/02/2022 07:21

You’re not a fool, you’re human. I think you need to twist this and start to be proud of the fact you can really see him for what he is.

skodadoda · 17/02/2022 07:30

I genuinely feel worried for her. She's in for a honeymoon period then a baptism of fire that'll see her self esteem hit the floor & her mental health spiral rapidly downwards..... unless she's an alcoholic in denial too, then they can make each other's life a misery

OP, you are not responsible for his relationships. You need to disengage, it’s her life, not yours. You can’t fix this.

DDivaStar · 17/02/2022 07:34

You need to draw a line under this. Stop putting yourself through this cycle and look forward to your new ex free life. Congratulations on seeing him for what he is.....

MsDataPotata · 17/02/2022 07:54

Thanks for your replies. He's blocked, deleted & it's staying that way. I was going to write a 'last message' but there's no point. I'm running fast in the opposite direction.

Very true @skodadoda, she's a primary school teacher in her 50s, so she's a responsible grown adult who hopefully has the skills to see him for what he is early on. Not my problem.

I'm seeing someone else, it's very casual due to my emotional state, I'm done with serious relationships. I think my ex just wanted to boost his ego & prove he could take me from him if he wanted to. What worries me is, if he hadn't suddenly turned last night & I hadn't felt rough, he could have. I'm putting it down to sheer luck. I could have been waking up in his bed this morning thinking I was back together with a changed man. That's a very scary thought, the bullet was very close. Lessons have been learned.

OP posts:
TwoBigNoisyBoys · 17/02/2022 08:03

@MsDataPotata no, you’re right, don’t do the last message. It’s just engaging further, and you’ll always be waiting to see if he replies, and even if you block him, you’d be wondering if he’d tried to reply.

I had an awful, very traumatic break up many years ago now; although it was terrible I do still get satisfaction that I never bothered replying to the very last message, and instead blocked him on every single angle…he ended up writing a letter to me (18 months after we split!!) to try to get me to engage, and I never replied to that either. It was hard at the time but I’m so glad I didn’t as I felt I could hold my head high, if that makes sense?

Well done on dodging that bullet 😊 you can now have a very happy life without this man.

EmmaH2022 · 17/02/2022 08:07

OP “What worries me is, if he hadn't suddenly turned last night & I hadn't felt rough, he could have. I'm putting it down to sheer luck. I could have been waking up in his bed this morning thinking I was back together with a changed man. That's a very scary thought, the bullet was very close. Lessons have been learned.”

But why would you be so close to changing your mind again? Why are you talking to him at all? If it’s children, keep it factual.

T00Ts · 17/02/2022 08:28

You’re the opposite of a fool.

MsDataPotata · 17/02/2022 09:14

@EmmaH2022 because he did a good of destroying my self worth by withholding affection while we were together so the positive attention & promise of change were really enticing.

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 17/02/2022 12:55

[quote MsDataPotata]@EmmaH2022 because he did a good of destroying my self worth by withholding affection while we were together so the positive attention & promise of change were really enticing.[/quote]
And now you are in charge of yourself.

Go forth and enjoy!

MsDataPotata · 17/02/2022 13:15

Now he's creating new email accounts & asking me to unblock him. I've switched off notifications & trying not to think about it.

OP posts:
TwoBigNoisyBoys · 17/02/2022 16:57

@MsDataPotata just keep on blocking…and repeat. No contact really is the only way, I know it’s hard though, and I’m sorry it’s happening to you x

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