Hey @PyongyangKipperbang - I'm so sorry to hear you're having a horrible time. I recognised your name from previous posts because you always seem like a forthright, intelligent person with a really eloquent way of expressing yourself.
I don't have an ED. But I'm autistic and have ADHD and sometimes the simplest things in life overwhelm me. Not everyone knows that I'm neurodiverse and to the outside world I'd seem strong, capable and very, very functional.
A couple of weeks ago I didn't eat for five days due to anxiety. The anxiety? My friend was going away for a weekend and the change in routine made me feel unsafe and weird. No matter how much I reasoned with myself, I could not stop feeling desperately anxious.
My anxiety levels have been very high in general recently, for various reasons. It's been utterly crippling.
But the thing is, at times like these, we don't need to pile the pressure onto ourselves. Whether it's an ED, mental health, or just general stress, you don't have to put pressure on yourself to do anything right now.
When things are hard, get through each minute, each hour, each day. Don't look too far ahead. Recognise the bloody amazing job you are doing of keeping yourself alive and well. Everything else can just bloody wait.
Do the things that help, even if it's only a little bit. If you need to build up your resilience to deal with some big things, take your time. Don't put yourself under pressure if there's no reason why you HAVE to do things now.
Sometimes I find it easier to think of the little girl that's still inside me. I find it hard to be kind to myself, but by thinking of myself in the third person, it's easier to be kind to me. We all have our younger selves inside us, as part of us. It's the vulnerable part of our psyche. Our childlike essence. When I'm struggling to cut myself some slack, imagining the young girl in me makes it easier to make sure I stay nourished, well and take care of myself. I wouldn't abuse a young child by leaving them without food, depriving them of sleep or speaking to them using harsh and unkind words, so by thinking of the young girl that still lives on inside me, it helps me to do what I need to.
A psychotherapist told me about that technique once, and I find it quite powerful. It might not work for everyone, but it helps me, especially when I'm self sabotaging or beating myself up for feeling overwhelmed.
As for the ED, you don't need to be confronting it right now if you think you're getting the nutrients you need and are maintaining a weight that's reasonably healthy. I think there is so much you've been through, if you try and tackle everything you'll just break. Because these are big, overwhelming things. Pick one small thing you can achieve, and when you feel able, tackle that. And then the next one. But don't put yourself under pressure. In the great scheme of the world and the universe, these things don't matter. YOU matter. Look after yourself in the best way possible, whatever that looks like. Bollocks to everyone else.