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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is too young to let dd decide whether to go to her dads?

18 replies

luanncountess · 16/02/2022 20:25

My dd is 8, she goes to her dads every second weekend Friday - Monday. We used to do 50/50 shared so I would have her for 4 days then at her dads for 3 each week but that stopped at the end of 2019 due to his work commitments. They have always been very close, she has always been a daddy's girl and he is a wonderful father, I have no worries in that regard.

However, naturally, as for the past two years she's been spending much more time with me we have gotten closer (always been close but definitely more so now) and for the past 6 months she has started to show resistance going to her dads.

I have had many talks with her about this, she says there is nothing wrong at her dads house and she doesn't mind going to see him during the day but would rather stay at my house. She cries or argues when it's time to go to her dads, and gets very excited when she knows it's her weekend with me.

Once in a while she has phoned her dad and asked if she can stay at my house instead on one of his nights and when he's said yes, she cries because she feels like she is hurting her dads feeling.

So far I have dealt with it by saying that it's her weekend with her dad and that she will have a great time and be back home before she knows it. My mum on the other hand thinks it's cruel and she's 'getting to that age', I still think 8 is a bit too young to be making such big decisions.

And I'm not being funny but I would never get a break either if she didn't go!

OP posts:

RedCandyApple · 16/02/2022 20:28

Yanbu, my kids don’t want to go to school but they still have to! Courts wouldn’t let an 8 year old decide.

devildeepbluesea · 16/02/2022 20:33

I agree and am in much the same situation. DD is also 8, we do 50/50 and she’s always keen to be with me. I’ve no idea why, EXDH is much better at playing with her and doing fun stuff!

It may be that when she hits teenage years she will need a ‘main’ home, but 8 years old is a bit soon for that.

FairyCakeWings · 16/02/2022 20:43

I think you should make her go. By allowing her to choose to stay home you’re validating her worry that she won’t be able to cope with her feelings of homesickness and of missing you. You can’t reassure her that she can come home if she really can’t cope, but there are things you can do to help the transition if she needs it.

It might be that she needs to be able to stay at her dads for just one night for now, and build up to two and more again.

It’s worth pushing it for the sake of her relationship with her Dad, her own sense of self esteem and you getting a break.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 16/02/2022 20:49

At 12 my ds went nc with his df... Despite a court order... I guess secondary school age is more appropriate to be able to make that decision. 8 is too young imo.
Your dd can't grasp how her relationship would likely be affected reducing contact so young. At 12/13 dc become more independent and don't hang out with parents even when they live full time with them!

Hankunamatata · 16/02/2022 20:56

I think you are right making her go, she is too young to decide and you do deserve some down time.

Completely off the cuff so please ignore if inappropriate but I wonder if only seeing dad every two weeks leads to apprehension of going. Do you think splitting weekends each week would work more so same routine every week?

DarkCorner · 16/02/2022 21:00

Similar situation here with my 9 yo. I think sometimes it’s more about their perceived lack of control over their lives. I try and empathise with his feelings and not leap in with “oh but you have to go/will have fun etc”. Sometimes I think he just wants to know I’ll miss him too and that I understand it’s hard. So I’ll say “I know, it’s hard and I wish I could be with you all the time too” and he feels he’s being heard. I don’t let him decide though, he knows he does need to go.

BurntO · 16/02/2022 21:02

You agree he’s a good dad, I’d make her go. I can’t imagine how hard it is but a relationship with both parents is important. I wouldn’t allow her to be asking her dad to stay with you and it creates all these additional feelings for every

TheBeesKnee · 16/02/2022 21:05

she says there is nothing wrong at her dads house and she doesn't mind going to see him during the day but would rather stay at my house.

So she just doesn't want to sleep there?

Original poster

luanncountess · 16/02/2022 21:42

@TheBeesKnee

she says there is nothing wrong at her dads house and she doesn't mind going to see him during the day but would rather stay at my house.

So she just doesn't want to sleep there?

Yes

OP posts:

Suzanne999 · 16/02/2022 21:50

Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to sleep at her dad’s? Could be something as simple as the lights are turned off, or her door is closed when she likes it open.

Ohyesiam · 16/02/2022 21:54

That decision is Too much responsibility for an 8 year old. Particularly as she’s sensitive enough to know she could be hurting feelings with her decisions.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/02/2022 21:58

It’s hard.

My almost 8 yo Ds never wants to go to his Dads. Dad is a bit difficult but not “can’t have his children overnight” bad. I also have to factor in that if he didn’t got there he’d miss out on a relationship with his little brother as well as his dad, which older Dd is getting by going there. So he goes, but it’s tough!

Bizarrely, Dd didn’t want to go at all from 8 to 12 and then suddenly decided she wanted 50:50. There were some good reasons why this made sense - not wanting to move all her school books etc being the main one - but also it coincided with their step mother moving in, and it being a nicer place to be. Plus she was older and didn’t really need much looking after

sadpapercourtesan · 16/02/2022 22:00

I think she does need to go, and keep up the relationship with her dad - but she also needs lots of support and understanding and to be allowed to feel however she feels about shuttling between two homes. It must be very stressful - I would hate it, personally. It would really unsettle me. So while I think she does need to keep going, it's not ideal and it's not surprising she's struggling with it.

magicstars · 16/02/2022 22:05

I don't force my DC to go to their dad's when they don't want to. Imho it's counterproductive as they may learn to feel that their feelings are discounted or overlooked & resent us both for not listening.

A compromise might help- offer to pick her up at bedtime if she goes for the day. She may well be feeling so settled & happy during the day that she's up for staying the night with him after all.

Or perhaps take her on a Sat am incase she's too tired Fri night(if that's what you do).

There is advice on this on the relate website- I'm pretty sure it encourages separated parents to be led by the DC.

headintheproverbial · 16/02/2022 22:06

Please please don't make her decide. You're the parent - along with your ex. I have so much guilt I still carry around time spent with parents. I wish someone had just told me what to do!

AmyandPhilipfan · 16/02/2022 22:38

How far away does he live? Is it possible to do day times only every other Saturday and Sunday for a while? Then she still gets to see him but doesn’t have to worry about being away overnight if it’s really upsetting her.

Graphista · 16/02/2022 23:34

and she doesn't mind going to see him during the day

That rang alarm bells for me

What's happening at night that's putting her off?

It could be something as simple as he's making her sleep with no light on and she's afraid of the dark and he's being unsympathetic to that right through to something more sinister

Be worth having an open chat with her to get to the root issue I think.

Especially as some causes may be easily fixed - a nightlight, removing a scary toy, making the room warmer or whatever

RedCandyApple · 16/02/2022 23:45

Doesn’t have to be alarming not everything is as dramatic as Mumsnet, my kids don’t mind going to my mums during the day but hate sleeping over and won’t want to go if it means that, no reason other than they feel like the time drags too much and it’s too long without seeing me. No “alarm bells”

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