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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friend needs support not shunned?

8 replies

hannahh82 · 16/02/2022 13:56

There is a group of us who have been friends for a long time. My friend S has been with her husband T for 15 years and they have DD 9 and DS 6.

S has had a bit of a terrible time of it lately with her mental health and had to leave her job because of it. She's slowly getting back on track and looking into a change of career that might make her a bit happier.

A few months ago, it came out that T had an emotional affair with someone from his work. S had a complete breakdown and asked him to leave their home. T has apologised profusely and requested a transfer at work so that he no longer has any contact with this woman.

S is now assessing her situation and has agreed to couples counselling with T. At the moment she is still looking for work but the goal was for her to take the time to find something she was passionate about and T would take care of the family finances while she did this.

The other women in our friend group have made it clear they do not support a reunification with T. I have stressed to them that I think S needs our support regardless of how we feel about T but they have basically said they don't want to see or hear from S if she takes him back.

I don't personally like T but I know she still loves him and I think she needs to work out what is best for her and her DC through therapy rather than her friends giving ultimatums.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/02/2022 14:01

I think it depends on whether she's been hugely leaning on her friends for support and they've been massively putting themselves out for her.

If, for example, I'd cancelled plans with my family, spent hours on the phone etc helping a friend move forward practically and then they decided to ignore everything I'd supported them with and basically wasted my time I'd be massively pissed off.

I wouldn't support my friend getting back with someone who'd cheated. I wouldn't shun them and I'd still be their friend but I wouldn't want to know anything about the cheat.

UnsuitableHat · 16/02/2022 14:09

Why would they say that?? Wondering if there’s something of a back story which involves the other friends feeling a bit drained or taken advantage of by S. Good on you for supporting your mate though. It’s ultimately her decision who she’s with, nobody else’s.

ButtercupOfFlorin · 16/02/2022 14:27

It’s very easy for ‘friends’ to say ‘LTB’ when it’s not their lives they’ll be uprooting. YANBU. If they want to help in a meaningful way they would support her

beastlyslumber · 16/02/2022 14:45

They sound like they're not actually her friends at all. She's probably better off without them.

It's her relationship and her decision. It's good you are supporting your friend.

giveyou2reasons · 16/02/2022 14:57

If her husband is horrible in other ways, abusive, not doing his share, etc, or if she is always complaining about him but refusing to take any action, I'd find that frustrating. My feelings might also depend on the 'severity' of his emotional affair and whether he's done it before. I might not understand how she could accept him back and find it difficult to listen to her talk about him.

They shouldn't 'shun' her, but I can understand them finding it awkward and not wanting to hear about him, if they feel she's making a terrible decision. I'd probably either go silent whenever he came up in conversation or tell her outright that I didn't want to hear about him. Which some would probably say would render me an ineffective and poor friend, anyway.

Original poster
hannahh82 · 16/02/2022 15:11

@giveyou2reasons

If her husband is horrible in other ways, abusive, not doing his share, etc, or if she is always complaining about him but refusing to take any action, I'd find that frustrating. My feelings might also depend on the 'severity' of his emotional affair and whether he's done it before. I might not understand how she could accept him back and find it difficult to listen to her talk about him.

They shouldn't 'shun' her, but I can understand them finding it awkward and not wanting to hear about him, if they feel she's making a terrible decision. I'd probably either go silent whenever he came up in conversation or tell her outright that I didn't want to hear about him. Which some would probably say would render me an ineffective and poor friend, anyway.

I'm having trouble wording my response so hopefully this makes some sense!

It's difficult to say he wasn't abusive because he lied to her about communicating with this woman from work.

He was a very supportive husband and happy for her to stop a job that caused her stress. He was helpful around the house and a great and attentive father to his children. He seemed very much devoted to her.

What I personally don't like about T is that I find him a bit full on and 'love bomb'-y. I know that behaviour made S feel very secure in their marriage but obviously things have turned upside down for her now.

I think in the long run she will realise she can't work through this with him. But she needs to do that on her own and I think not having her friends around her will make her look to him for that stability again.

OP posts:
fabulousathome · 16/02/2022 15:36

I think her friends should definitely stay around her, whatever decision she makes. They should be there to support her.

DDivaStar · 16/02/2022 16:02

I think your friend needs to make the right decision for her and her family, a good friend will support her even if they don't agree with her decision.

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