How would you feel about this?

[bluechinavase]

I am female and have two brothers. In my mother’s address book, my brothers are listed as Joe Bloggs and James Bloggs but no mention of their wives to whom they have been married for years. I then looked up my entry and I’m not even mentioned, it’s my husband who is listed without my name even being attached to it. Talk about patriarchal deference. It’s like I don’t even exist.

To be honest it doesn’t really surprise me. My Mum is from a much older generation, but it still rankles with me.

It wouldn’t care but I have a good relationship with my mum… something as trivial as this only bothers you when there is underlying resentment.

I guess there is and it’s little things like this that trigger me.

I’d change the entry, but I’m petty.

“Mrs and Mr Sarah BLOGGS”

Nah, I wouldn’t change it. When she addresses envelopes it’s always to Mr and Mrs Hubby’s initial and surname but it doesn’t bother me, I just shrug and think hey ho. But this did for some reason, and it’s like my sisters in law don’t exist either. Not written in her book therefore we don’t matter.

I have a little giggle when letters addressed to both of us use my double barrelled surname. He hates it !

I think your point about the fact it’s just your brothers listed is a bit ott but you not being listed and your husband in your place is utterly ridiculous!! That kind of thing drives me mad.

@MrsTimRiggins yup. There have been many issues with this over the years and I’ve had counselling but this kinda brought it home to me. I know it’s just how things are in her generation and she’ll not change now.

I would think it super weird if my mum changed my contact details to just be under my husband's name. It's me she primarily wants to get in touch with so it makes no sense. Is it just an address book for writing letters, as opposed to your phone number being under his name in her phone? Still weird but yeah I guess just different generations.

My Mother, born 1928 would list wives, but my GM, born 1910 would just list under the man's name. It was ingrained into them. That's how they were taught to address things. They've also lived being second class citizens, socialised into that role and putting other women into that role.

That's pretty weird tbh. She can't be that much of an 'older generation'.

@ErrolTheDragon she’s in her 90s. And comes from a long line of deference to men

I would read it and just get on with my life.

Mine would have been older but would, I think, have been quite surprised by someone of her generation doing that. But more in sorrow than in anger - it's pretty sad really.

I would sigh and feel sad at how the patriarchy stifled so many lives. But it's not worth raising it with your mum, she is who she is.

Talk to her about her life and how she was raised, and how things were different for her. You ever know know how long you have left until the time is gone.

My grandma was like this, mail would be addressed to Mrs Joe Bloggs, at her request.
I would try not to let it bother me OP, but I can see why it does.

@bluechinavase

Nah, I wouldn’t change it. When she addresses envelopes it’s always to Mr and Mrs Hubby’s initial and surname but it doesn’t bother me, I just shrug and think hey ho. But this did for some reason, and it’s like my sisters in law don’t exist either. Not written in her book therefore we don’t matter.

The point is its her address book that you chose to snoop in.

She's addressing the letters correctly as we were all taught to do when at school and I'm only late 40s. You may wish for her to do differently but doesn't make what she does wrong with some melodrama about you and sils not counting!

She's addressing the letters correctly as we were all taught to do when at school and I'm only late 40s.

I'm 61 and glad to say never had such - even then - anachronistic teaching.

Yes it's weird. I'd be annoyed. But also probably accept she's not likely to change.

@ChoiceMummy I was not snooping! The backstory is she’s in hospital and I was checking her book to get numbers to let her friends know. So thanks for making me feel even shittier than I already do

Does she only list the man in the case of married friends?

@ErrolTheDragon I can’t quite think. Most of her friends are widows but I think for those whose husbands are still alive then it’s his name in the book. It’s about ten years old, not the one I remember from childhood which had mr & mrs in it and would have been written in the 50s.

[quote bluechinavase]@ChoiceMummy I was not snooping! The backstory is she’s in hospital and I was checking her book to get numbers to let her friends know. So thanks for making me feel even shittier than I already do[/quote]
So why exactly were you then looking up details you already know, like your oh, bil etc if only being helpful and not at all snooping?

Dear Mr Choice

Do just piss off with your accusations. I had to look through the book to pick out folk who might be keen to know about my Mum, that meant looking through the whole book.

Why not just stick to answering the original question rather than conjure up nastiness!

Yours sincerely

Blue

I had the task of going through MILs address book to try to figure out who might want to hear when she died - if you have that unhappy circumstance to deal with then having just the mens names listed would be extremely unhelpful.