I have found myself in a position I never thought possible.
I have been finding things tough in my marriage. My husband is completely distant and ignores me a lot. He is very down about his job. It is too much for him as he got promoted and changed roles and it isn’t what he expected it to be. He is very driven but has lost his motivation and is very negative. He doesn’t help me much at home either. We both have very demanding high pressured jobs and 2 young kids (one of which is demanding as he has special educational needs).
I feel like I am carrying the full mental load for the family. But also being shut out by my husband.
A few months ago someone I knew about 15 years ago started contacting me on social media. He was someone I kissed once before I was married when I was young and single. Nothing more happened back then. But we got talking and it started off completely innocently - our mutual friend died and we were both sad about it. The chat started off very platonic. But after a while, he made it clear he was attracted to me and to be honest I enjoyed the attention and it made me feel good. He is really attractive and there is a mutual “spark”. However, he is not appropriate (he has a lot of issues - ex convict and drug addiction and mental health problems). I have the “perfect life” from the outside but feel so trapped and lonely and unsupported I latched onto this connection with the other guy. The messages exchanged started getting more intense and he told me he loved me. I never said it back and told him I did find him attractive but I couldn’t take it any further. My mistake was making it known to him I also had developed a crush on him. We never met up but I wanted to. But I stopped myself. I tried to end it several times but he kept coming back saying he missed me. So it was hard as he was telling me what I wanted to hear but I knew it was wrong.
Finally I Told him to stop contacting me for good. I blocked him on social media and on my phone. It’s been about a week. I feel so low and distraught, grieving over a non existent relationship with someone who isn’t right for me. But I can’t help feeling this way. It’s the unfinished business. I feel obsessed. I can’t stop thinking about him. I have developed an obsession and it’s eating me up.
I’ve tried to focus on work, going to the gym, my kids, spend time with friends. It is hard to channel my energy into my marriage as I feel like it’s a one way street - I am
Doing all the work and get nothing back. I’ve tried to talk to my husband about how I feel and he doesn’t say anything back. He just stares at the ceiling and hopes the problem will go away.
What I want to know is, how long will it take me to forget the other man. It hurts. I feel like it’s emphasised what’s missing with my husband. I don’t want to lose my family or ruin my marriage but maybe I have already damaged it by allowing myself to develop these feelings for someone else. I just feel so wretched about the whole thing. I’ve basically opened myself up to an emotional affair. But there has been no face to face contact. In some ways that seems worse. As it’s an internal feeling and seems almost pathetic that I’ve got myself so wrapped up in someone over essentially a few messages.
Any advice appreciated. I just want to feel happy again.