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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DD should walk away from this relationship?

23 replies

HowToAdviseOnThis · 15/02/2022 20:15

DD (23) got involved in her first serious relationship just over 2 years ago. A few months into the relationship, her boyfriend was involved in an incident which is now is now going to Court. From what I know of him and the incident, I have no doubt that he is telling the truth and I’m baffled that it’s gone this far quite honestly. He basically got dragged into something by trying to stop it. I’m certainly not naive and don’t believe everything I’m told. DD has seen the evidence, she wasn’t there but was aware of the lead up to it and has no doubt of his innocence.

Obviously I can’t give details but its a very serious offence carrying a long sentence.

The case is due to be heard later this year and in the meantime, boyfriend has been dealing with very bad news about a family member, and trying to support them too, which has also greatly affected him. He’s also having to work all the hours god sends to pay for his solicitor. DD ditching him would tip him over the edge.

DD has recently got great job, in an industry where it would not go down well if it came out her bf was on trial or potentially in prison!

I like her bf, he’s had some really tough breaks but works so hard and keeps on going, always ready to help out, and I feel desperately sorry for him, this is just so unfair but I think DD should end it and walk away. If he’s convicted it will have a massive affect on their lives together, him getting another job, travelling abroad. getting a mortgage etc and of course he could be banged up for years before that.

She loves him and is still planning to move in with him but I think this is too much for her to deal with and the effects will be too great for her future if he’s convicted.

She is very angry with me for asking her to consider it. Obviously it’s her decision but I don’t think she’s looking ahead.

On side of me want to support them both and encourage her to stand by him but the other is just shouting WTAF is she doing, get out now!

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 15/02/2022 20:18

With all due respect your DD is 23yrs old and this is her decision to make, not yours

JarvisCockersRightEyebrow · 15/02/2022 20:28

Don’t be silly. I’m shocked you’d ask your daughter to end her relationship. No one wonder she’s annoyed. You are massively overstepping here and need to keep out of it. She’s an adult, it’s her career, her relationship, and her life.

KrisAkabusi · 15/02/2022 20:39

He hasn't even been found guilty yet! At least wait for the outcome of the court case before interfering.

MermaidEyes · 15/02/2022 20:39

Unfortunately it's not really your decision to make. If he goes to trial and gets found not guilty then presumably they will be able to carry on with their lives. And if he does get found guilty (and hopefully not, if he really is innocent), then in all honesty, if he ends up in prison for a long time, the relationship may just naturally run its course.

TheUndoingProject · 15/02/2022 20:41

It’s not your decision. But even if it was this all seems to be putting the cart before the horse. Why not see if he’s actually convicted of anything first?

lastqueenofscotland · 15/02/2022 20:41

YABU.
If you are so convinced of his innocence he’ll have his day in court and that will be that

LadyGagagagaga123 · 15/02/2022 20:45

Agree just hold your horses and see if he's actually convinced but in the meantime strongly suggest DD keeps her private life low key and well away from work and social media. Other than that she's an adult it's her choice.

LadyGagagagaga123 · 15/02/2022 20:45

*convicted

Dentistlakes · 15/02/2022 21:01

I can see why you’re concerned, but you will only end up pushing your daughter away if you continue to advise her to walk away. I would be honest with her and say you are concerned what it may mean for her career and future if he is convicted. From what you’ve said it might not come to that, but I wouldn’t push her to leave him in the meantime.

Lolabray · 15/02/2022 21:15

It’s her choice and decision. It really isn’t your relationship to be making decisions for your daughter

Gilead · 15/02/2022 21:17

Geez Louise, butt out. I thought I was over protective but this takes the proverbial biscuit!

MadMadMadamMim · 15/02/2022 21:23

You aren't really supporting her, are you? It's not your business to interfere and I'm fairly shocked that you think this young man is innocent, but would still try and get your DD to dump him in case it affects her.

I'm not surprised she's angry with you.

GreenClock · 15/02/2022 21:28

I had parents who were over-invested and opinionated but meant well. It’s very tedious and tiring, and I stopped wanting to spend much time with them. Please be careful OP.

tocas · 15/02/2022 21:28

Yabu, she is an adult and this is her business not yours. f I

Aquamarine1029 · 15/02/2022 21:30

If your goal is to alienate your daughter, keep flapping your gob and giving her advice she doesn't want. Is that your goal?

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/02/2022 21:34

Good grief. If you want to be useful to your daughter then support her. If you think she should walk away save that thought for when and if the guy is convicted. If he isn’t, and they go the distance, your relationship with them may never be comfortable.

BurntO · 15/02/2022 21:38

BACK OFF. You’re doing no one any favours by intervening or offering up your thoughts

TickTockBaby · 15/02/2022 21:45

I agree with @MadMadMadamMim you're not supporting her. She is an adult, you do not know every aspect of her relationship.
My children are young so I can't offer any real world experience, but I can empathise with you as mum. I think in this situation you should listen but understand that it is their decision to make, and you will be there regardless.

WonderfulYou · 15/02/2022 21:50

You are coming from a good place but you need to stay out of it and support her either way.

The more you try and get her to do something the more will do the opposite anyway so just leave her to make her own decisions even if you know she’s making a mistake.

Mummadeze · 15/02/2022 21:53

If he is convicted and goes to prison, it might run its natural course. At the moment she must be feeling very worried and protective of him. I would be supportive of both of them for now.

Ohyesiam · 15/02/2022 21:56

My mum was an over caring worrier and wanted to have a much more pivotal role in my life than in wanted. She offered uncalled for opinions and advice.
I distanced myself from her, and it’s only now , 30 years later, that I have reconnected as she is very elderly and nearing the end her life.
Please don’t be that woman op.

IamnotSethRogan · 15/02/2022 21:59

It doesn't really matter what your opinion is as she is an adult

Nothinglikeachocolatebrownie · 15/02/2022 22:12

OP - if your daughter feel on hard times, would you want her partner leaving her because it was 'all to much' and would 'affect his career'?

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