That not every place is the same?!

[Thewoolmill]

DH and I live where we both grew up. I never would have chosen to move back but with two children with complex needs and one set of parents plus my husband’s job here, it seemed like a good idea at the time. But I don’t like it here. It isn’t where I’d chose to live. It’s a popular market town commutable to London. I have no illusions that moving now isn’t possible (two kids in separate specialist schools) and another child going into year 10 in September. My DH scoffs that all places are the same and he can’t see the problem. It’s quite cliquey here and having children with disabilities has been really isolating (there’s no groups). I work FT but come the weekend the place makes me feel quite miserable. Apart from the small city we moved from, this is the only place my DH has ever lived. Can where you live affect your mental health? Are all places the same?

I think your DH is wrong and different places definitely have a different vibe to them.

However, you've acknowledged that moving isn't possible at the moment. Maybe he really means "accept it and move on" rather than "all places are the same"?

Where did you move back from? Were you happier there and if so, what did you like about it?

A number of things...yes a place can absolutely make you feel miserable, and not all places are the same. But if the family/work/marital circumstances you're in don't change, then yes, all places are the same. Same shit in a new place. That's what your DH might be trying to say?

If you work FT, have you really been able to throw yourself into things locally? I doubt it, with what sounds like a big load on your shoulders. How much is your dread of weekends due to the drudgery of family life falling entirely to you? Is DH going over to his parents to be cooked for and no obligations, leaving you to deal with the kids, house, chores? Is he pulling his weight with the mental load, with the management of kids with complex disabilities?

It's a shame there are no groups for you to join for children with disabilities, seems weird that there are two relevant specialist schools locally but no groups. Can you get more involved in school life instead? Are there no parent groups through there you could go? Ask someone out for a coffee via the parent whatsapp and make a new friend, or a playdate with your kids if possible? I know it's hard when you work FT but if moving isn't an option you are going to have to change something on your side to make the best of it for another couple of years.

I think in general my DH just views all places as the same. When we first got together and had no kids we planned to move between our work places but houses were really expensive. DH suggested I find a job in the city he worked in. At the time I had some mental health issues and went along with it. We were seeing the one set of parents most weekends and they said they’d be able to help us if we moved nearer and DH was onboard as he’d always lived there so we sold up in the city and moved. Neither are places I’d chosen to live.

The kids specialist schools are both an hour away in different directions. One is quite unique and kids travel up to two hours to get there in some cases.

My DH does some things. He runs our son to football at the weekend, cooks once a week and hangs out washing and takes the bins out. If I’m honest the mental load and most of the stuff relating to our kids with Sen falls to me.

I used to live up north and I miss the access to the city and coast. I go into London maybe once every three years.

Because the kids can’t access local activities like cubs/scouts/sports teams, it’s hard to meet other parents locally. The area isn’t hugely interesting and outside of gyms and fitness clubs there’s not much here. I’m very aware the structure of my life wouldn’t alter but maybe there would be more things around to do, more places to visit, a wider range of people.

I definitely need to do something. I’m just so tired of hearing my DH says well a place is just a place when I don’t feel like it is. I know I’ll be sucking it up and need to make some changes it’s just hard not to feel totally trapped and without options.

Well your DH is wrong, a place isn't just a place, but I'm wondering if in fact your local area has more possibilities than you think, you just can't see or take advantage of any of it because you're snowed under with FT work and FT childrearing and most of the mental load. And schools an hour away in opposite directions, that's a lot for anyone!

When you say "more things around to do, more places to visit, a wider range of people" well if your kids' needs mean you can't access local kids' activities, then what kind of "things to do/visit" do they enjoy - museums? NT properties? Historic battlefields? RHS gardens? Theme parks? Amazing book group, local library maybe?

If you're in a market town commutable to London, why do you go only every 3 years - is it hard logistically to take the kids? Could you take a day trip into town (alone, with the kids or to meet friends) on one of those flat weekends and feel the energy of the city? I live in Windsor, for instance - I have friends and ex-colleagues who when we worked together commuted in from Newbury, Guildford, Beaconsfield, Basildon, etc. My DH works weekends so sometimes I meet friends on the South Bank and go to the Tate Modern, bimble around Borough market and take the kids for a pizza. The coast I miss too, I grew up on the beach myself and sometimes miss the sea intensely so we try and spend school holiday times near the sea.

If you pretended you were a tourist and put in your town into Tripadvisor, does anything come up that you hadn't thought of? Eg. I just did Newbury and who knew there was a museum of West Berkshire, and a special house open only in February to see a spectacular display of snowdrops - random! www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Tourism-g190745-Newbury_Berkshire_England-Vacations.html

@Xiaoxiong, that’s helpful thank you. Trying to reframe my thinking. We don’t do London as one of the kids has a medical issue that makes eating out very very hard. And they both struggle with crowds. I wonder if some of it is down to just feeling worn out. A lot of people in this town grew up here and a lot of friendships are very well established. I was badly bullied at school and got away to university. The kids are better outside in open spaces. For me I love the sea and I spent a lot of time in Yorkshire where I really fell in love with nature and I find it quite restful. I’m a bit restless and I like being in new places and just feel like I’ve done enough time here and there’s some quite difficulty memories here - being asked to leave the singing group and not come back, the school who were abusive and neglectful to one of my children. I just feel I could be somewhere that offers more but I think the meantime, I need to try and do more in the local area. Sadly it hasn’t been a place I’ve been able to establish friends. Outside of sports clubs for kids and adults, there’s not much else going on.

See I am from a town in West Yorkshire and it's exactly the same there. My best friend is getting married this year - to a boy who was in my form at school. The same group of popular kids goes to the pub now and I am late 30s. I understand, but I do think that it's partly due to the time-consuming nature of life with any children, let alone with any medical issues. I live near Bath - how often do I go? Maybe twice a year, between work/toddler/food shop/seeing family.