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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call my friend a hypocrite?

18 replies

laurap276 · 15/02/2022 11:14

Backstory: I have been with OH for nearly 3 years. He struggles a lot with his mental health and was sectioned in his late teens. It's mostly depression and anxiety but he has occasional breaks of psychosis. I've seen it happen once since we've been together and it was horrific but I was happy to be able to support him.

Over the last few months he's been in a really bad place. He has snapped at me a few times and then broken down, admitting he's really struggling. He asked me about five weeks ago for space and I agreed. After a fortnight, there was information I needed to pass on to him and I sent him a message and he blocked me.

The day after he blocked me I met a good friend for a drink. Her partner had just broken up with her by text after 10 months together. He told her he would leave the house unlocked and make sure he was gone between 6 and 7pm for her to collect a box of her belongings so he 'didn't have to see her'. She was devastated and reeled off the list of all the horrible things he'd said and done to her during their relationship.

We were messaging last night and I said I can't stop worrying about DP. She told me that under no circumstances am I to communicate with him. She advised me to delete all photos of him from my phone, throw out everything he ever bought me and block him back on everything so he can't contact me at all. I explained that I love him deeply and am so concerned about his mental state and she said that he is 'no longer your problem and you need to move on'.

I asked if she had heard from her ex and she told me they are back together now and she was at his house with him cooking her a Valentine's dinner.

AIBU to point out her double standards? I'm extremely fragile at the moment and need support where I can speak about DP and express my concerns and I feel really isolated with this.

OP posts:

lucillelarusso · 15/02/2022 11:16

This isn't about your friend, or her relationship. She is trying to offer you advice albeit in a thoughtless and annoying way!
Your 'D"P is being selfish, abusive and unkind. Depression is not an excuse for his behaviour.

Original poster

laurap276 · 15/02/2022 11:20

@lucillelarusso

This isn't about your friend, or her relationship. She is trying to offer you advice albeit in a thoughtless and annoying way! Your 'D"P is being selfish, abusive and unkind. Depression is not an excuse for his behaviour.

Unfortunately the nature of his mental health issues are selfish. He has asked for space so that he doesn't lash out at me. I've spoken to his friends and it's the same with them, he's completely withdrawn and we don't know if he's even still going to work.

OP posts:

MorningStarling · 15/02/2022 11:23

I'm not sure if I would call her a hypocrite. As far as she sees it your situations are not comparable. She sees the good in her partner and sees a viable future, but her view of your relationship is that your partner is more trouble than he's worth. If she honestly thinks you're better off without him, that's not hypocrisy.

It would only be hypocrisy if she felt your relationship was of equal value to hers, and she told you to act differently to how she did.

Goooglebox · 15/02/2022 11:24

Your friend is tactless but she doesn't think your bf is good for you and she's right.

Nowthereistwo · 15/02/2022 11:24

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

Use this time to consider what you want for your future, potential kids etc

He needs to use this time to get professional support for his mental health - it's not your job to do this.

PleasantBirthday · 15/02/2022 11:26

He has asked for space so that he doesn't lash out at me.

This is very concerning and I think, regardless of what her issues with her boyfriend might be, she's right that you need to step back.

Itwasntmeright · 15/02/2022 11:29

People don’t always take their own advice, no matter how sensible it might be.

OP, this sounds like a horrible situation you’re in. The question you need to ask yourself is, do you think all this stress and upset is worth it? Only you can decide that, what your friend thinks doesn’t really matter.

Original poster

laurap276 · 15/02/2022 11:31

@Itwasntmeright

People don’t always take their own advice, no matter how sensible it might be.

It is worth it. I have been blissfully happy throughout our whole relationship. He is a wonderful partner and I can't imagine a future without him.

This behaviour is extremely out of character for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

laurap276 · 15/02/2022 11:32

I forgot to add, she said to me last night that she 'better not see him back on my Instagram again'. I feel like if/when he does get back in touch I'll have to hide our relationship.

OP posts:

Skeam · 15/02/2022 11:33

Your friend’s choices are irrelevant. Why are you continuing in a relationship with someone who is clearly not managing his mental illness well, if he’s had at least two really bad episodes lasting for several months at a time, and which include psychotic episodes, in three years, and who doesn’t trust himself not to ‘lash out at you’ unless he literally cuts himself off from all contact?

Does he have a diagnosis? Medication? What support has he sought in managing his condition?

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 15/02/2022 11:39

Shes on the outside looking in to your situation, it's easier to give advice when you see the whole picture without emotion.

In all fairness I would give you that advice too, your choices are either to be lashed out at, or put up with this frequently, can you imagine if you have kids?

DappledOliveGroves · 15/02/2022 11:39

Honestly, OP, think very long and hard about your situation. My SIL is in a similar position - she married someone with multiple mental health issues who was fundamentally abusive. He was sectioned before the wedding - his psychiatrist told her to run - she ignored everyone and thought she could 'help' him.

20 years later he's still a wanker - his mental health has declined more and more. He screams abuse at her, doesn't lift a finger around the house, uses his mental health issues as an excuse to disengage completely from family life. They have two children and she does everything whilst they grow up thinking this warped emotional abuse and mental health problems are somehow 'normal' or excusable. The younger of the children has his own MH issues and is self-harming. Why on earth she hasn't left him is anyone's guess.

You won't get a medal or a reward for being a martyr. You're already making excuses for him to treat you like shit. Walk away.

Original poster

laurap276 · 15/02/2022 11:42

@Skeam

Does he have a diagnosis? Medication? What support has he sought in managing his condition?

Yes, he's on stable medication and does have a diagnosis. It's a treatable but not curable illness.

He had told me when he asked for space he was seeking talking therapies to try and get a better grasp on his emotions.

I believe he is absolutely doing the best he can but it's a really awful illness.

OP posts:

Original poster

laurap276 · 15/02/2022 11:45

@DappledOliveGroves

You won't get a medal or a reward for being a martyr. You're already making excuses for him to treat you like shit. Walk away.

He has never ever been abusive towards me in any way. When I say he's snapped at me, its maybe something like me asking how his day has been and him going 'I don't want to talk about it' and then immediately apologising.

He's a wonderful, kind and gentle man which makes recent behaviour all the more worrying.

OP posts:

DysmalRadius · 15/02/2022 13:16

I see what you mean OP - her partner said and did horrible things to her during their relationship, but she got back with him anyway even though there was no real reason for him to treat her badly.

Your partner has said some unkind things as a result of a mental illness that he is working hard to manage. You have decided to support him through that as you can see that he is actively trying to limit the impact his mental illness has on you and you know that this behavior is a symptom of his illness rather than a personality trait.

I think you perhaps need to stop talking to your friend about your relationships - I see why you think she's a hypocrite, but I can also understand that she is concerned for you (although she's expressing that in a needlessly aggressive and judgemental way IMO).

I hope your partner is getting the support he needs and feels better soon.

Rosebel · 15/02/2022 13:27

I think people saying you need to step back or leave your partner don't really understand depression.
Mental illness isn't very well understood and I think lots of people are a bit afraid of it. Your partner has withdrawn to keep you both safe which is surely better than him lashing out.
Your friend sounds fucking controlling as hell. She'd better not see him on your Instagram and you feel like you have to hide your relationship if you get back together.
Ditch her and find friends you can talk to. I don't know about your DH but she doesn't sound like a supportive or tactful friend.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/02/2022 13:33

This behaviour is extremely out of character for him

Over the last few months he's been in a really bad place

I sent him a message and he blocked me

These are your own words. I think you need to read them back to yourself.

You are in denial. Regardless of his mental health issues, he is not a good partner. I think your friend is right, but you don't want to hear it.

Linguini · 15/02/2022 13:43

Your friend doesn't like your boyfriend, she's expressed how she feels.

Your boyfriend doesn't seem to like you and is expressing how he feels.

Are you frightened of being alone?
Your boyfriend is basically telling you to fuck off.

Yes your boyfriend's behaviour is concerning, we should all be mindful that there could be a suicide risk here, BUT he surely has parents and other people around.

Maybe you should contact his family to implore them to help him so it's not all on you?

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