Could booze be the problem?

[Zippydedoo]

I have been with partner for years and we have 4 kids. Over the last few years our relationship, which I guess had cracks in anyway, has plummeted. We are at rock bottom. I found the booze annoying but have never really assessed it in the context of our relationship, possibly because there doesn't seem to be an overt issue. It just occured to me that perhaps this has a much more insidious impact. I'm sick of the lack of affection, no emotional support, no consistent help around the house, no help planning ahead with life/ holidays/ childcare/ shared visions.
I grew up with alcoholics, perhaps the fact he's not falling over drunk every night has blinded me somewhat.
Am I being unreasonable to think that "light" alcohol misuse you could be impacting our relationship?

I'm sick of the lack of affection, no emotional support, no consistent help around the house, no help planning ahead with life/ holidays/ childcare/ shared visions.
How much is he drinking? I can see how it’s tempting to think that if he gave it up, everything would be better but the things you’re talking about may well stay the same. These things are issues in a lot of bad relationships without the added alcohol problem.

Yes I absolutely believe it is not the only issue.
It varies but probably a bottle or sometimes 2 of spirits a week but some weeks it might be a 6 pack every night. But a few days off here and there.

I think it contributes more to the bigger picture of our life- no motivation to create plans/ plan ahead etc

A useful definition of addiction is a behaviour which you use to sooth yourself, that has negative consequences in your life, but you still carry in doing it despite these negative consequences.
With your husband he may be prepared to live with the consequences of not engaging with his marriage, but it obviously doesn’t work for you.

One of the components of an addiction is that you put all your emotional energy into it, and it’s your main “ relationship”. Which has the devastating effects that you are feeling, and is very destructive for children. So yes, I think all the things you describe are underpinned by his alcohol use.

What does he say about his drinking? It’s he interested in looking at it, or is it a closed door?

Have a look at Al-Anon which is an organisation for people who love/ grew up with alcohol abusers.

Facing what’s going on is a powerful step towards getting the life you want and deserve op. Living with alcohol abuse/ addiction is a millstone around your neck and a massive block to happiness.
There is support out there, and it’s a ticket to freedom and choice.