AIBU to be pissed off????

[NinaJames]

So long story cut short -

Life been a bit crazy / traumatic. Main cause (amongst others) is my mums husband didn't like kids - she got with him when I was 10, he was aggressive / semi-violent and mentally abusive. I moved out when I was 13 where I sofa-surfed / lived with boyfriend and his family (who then died in car crash) and so on. Point about boyfriend dying is after I called mum for comfort (god knows why as she picked her DH over me) and didn't get any support - simply "I know how you feel my cat died".

Anyway - lots of shit has happened. She's chosen his needs over mine multiple times - including seeing me have no where to stay one night at 17, despite having an empty house I could've stayed in. Since I moved out at 13, I've not been allowed in their house when he is there. This has made the relationship hard and me resentful. However, despite that shit show I am now just about to qualify as a lawyer and am a mother and am pregnant (awful timing I know).

About a year ago I went to their house after work to confront the situation and apologise to this man for everything he feels I did wrong as a child to make him behave the way he did towards me. To my surprise (as I have never been successful in previous attempts) he actually faced me and also apologised - started to try build bridges (I.e., go for dinner at their house every so often etc...).

Rewind to a few months ago - mums DH leaves mum to move out for a bit as "she's boring" and "Covid has affected him". Mum broken, I help comfort and mum gets back with him.

Fast forward a couple months (last month), I get a call from mum saying her D(prick)H has been having an affair, for 2 years and she's only just found out. Mum completely flattened by news, I went to console but had to leave when he was coming home as might be awkward for him...

She has since spoken to the mistress, but tried to make things work with him for god knows what reason. Anyway, speak to mum yesterday and her DH has now given the mistress a valentines gift as he "thought it would be a nice way to say goodbye". Luckily mum isn't buying into bullshit but again, heavily pregnant, take myself to hers after work to console / be a bit blunt that she cannot get back with the lying prick....

Sorry for the background... my questions:

AIBU to:

1. Be pissed off I'm being lent on by mum for support? She hasn't told anyone else and of course I want to be there - but she's never been there for me really because of him.

1. Try to find the mistresses details and speak to her about the full extent of things? I know mum isn't being completely truthful about what's happened - she is a closed book and clearly finds this hard to talk about - but how can I be expected to offer advice etc when I do not actually truly know what's going on?

1. Walk away from relationship entirely if she gets back with him? Of course my relationship with him has been awful so it's been hard to be diplomatic/pragmatic to mum about situation but if she gets back with him I absolutely want nothing to do with the man and cannot be there again to pick up pieces when all goes tits up again as too mentally exhausting / brings up childhood trauma. I will obviously not say to my mum that this would be my intention as ultimately she has to make the decision on her own life.

Oh - possibly relevant - mum pays for pretty much everything - mortgage, most bills etc. which again is a ROYAL piss take on his part - and she has no idea what he does with his money. He is also extremely controlling (I.e., not letting my mum have me (her own daughter) in the house for over 10 years!!!! To which she accepted to be with him).

Sorry for the long post - just trying to get opinions as I know I am likely to be more prone to thinking irrationally in such circumstances due to the history.....

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this far / offers their opinion (good or bad)!!!

If it were me I would want go no contact with her for how she treated you as a child

It’s all very convenient for her to lean on you now isn’t it

The minute he isn’t there she is all open arms & needing her daughter

Where was she when you needed her?

I would make sure to only give as much as I could without causing me detriment

I wouldn’t give her a penny

I would be prepared to cut her off for getting back with him

She sounds like a pathetic specimen

IMO

He is clearly awful but it’s your mum that allowed him to move in when you were 10, you to move out at just 13 - you were abandoned to all intent and purposes. Well done to you for your legal qualification and pregnancy, sounds like you’ve done really well despite the complete lack of support from her.

1. Definitely not unreasonable. You don’t owe her anything.
2. Unreasonable. Don’t get involved.
3. Not unreasonable but I’d do this regardless of where she takes him back.

Remove this drama from your life, protect your baby from all this toxicity and enjoy being a mum without the constant reminder of how rubbish your own mum was.

Would you be friends with a woman who has a homeless 13 year old but doesn't give a shit? I doubt it.

I think you should completely wash your hands of this woman and keep well away from her ex.

Do not involve yourself in their relationship. You have no reason to speak to the mistress. Keep her at a distance. She's was a poor mother and does not get to lean on you. So what if she's got no one else. That is on her and the choices she made. I would keep her right away from her grandchild too she does not deserve to have a family.

YANBU to be pissed off she’s leaning on you but you don’t have to let her.

YABU to speak to the mistress, don’t get involved.

YANBU to go NC regardless of whether she gets back with him. She is your mother. She’s the one who was responsible for you but chose a partner over her own child and let her 13 year old essentially be homeless and put you in an incredibly vulnerable position.

I’d leave them all to it and focus on your life. You’ve got so much good going for you without them but to answer your questions:

1. Not unreasonable
2. Unreasonable
3. Not unreasonable

You already have more of a relationship with her than most people would. She allowed her new bf to chuck her young child out of her home! That's horrific. And its somehow led to a situation where you're comforting her for him leaving. She doesn't deserve any of it.
YANBU to be pissed off but this is a drop in the ocean of how she has treated you
You are far too involved, she is an adult and you haven't been that close, why are you even considering calling the mistress? It sounds like the parent / child relationship has got mixed up because of how she treated you.
YANBU to consider cutting her off and I know it's the straw that broke the camels back but getting back with him seems minor in relation to all the other years of complete shit

You need to try and protect your own mental health especially as you have kids, I fear that as they grow, the full extent of your mums neglect will hit you when they reach a similar age. I'd advise taking a step back from the drama and trying to get some therapy as it sounds like there is a lot to unpick

She sounds horrific, stay away from her. She has no right to lean on you like that.

This woman doesn’t deserve your time or energy. I strongly suggest you take some time to understand why you feel the need to be there for someone who was never there for you.

Although your stepdad sounds like a terrible person, keep in mind that he treated you badly because your mum allowed it. To make matters even worse, she didn’t choose him over her own child because of lack of options. Your mum was funding his lifestyle.

You deserve better, be supportive if you must, but from a distance. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

You sound like an amazing women who has survived and thrived.

Please don't try and nurture a relationship with you mum when she has made her priorities clear. She will hurt you again.

Focus on your self, you baby and filling your life with amazing people who will be there for you and be your new family