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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another no sex one

13 replies

Hufflespuff · 13/02/2022 22:20

I'm 29 weeks pregnant and dh and I haven't dtd for the past 3 months. I have a low lying placenta and haven't been feeling particularly sexy. He's understanding of this and says he isn't bothered either. In all honestly prior to the pregnancy we had a pretty inactive sex life, maybe once or twice a month due to his low libido. It's a miracle I got pregnant really!

I suppose I feel a bit down because there's been no intimacy for so long and after the baby has been born I'll be recovering for a while and we'll both be knackered so I'm a bit worried that our already very steady sex life is going to dwindle away to nothing. Has anyone else experienced this in pregnancy and how/when did you get the spark back afterwards?

OP posts:

SparklingLime · 13/02/2022 22:23

In all honestly prior to the pregnancy we had a pretty inactive sex life, maybe once or twice a month due to his low libido.

Without wanting to be cruel, it doesn’t sound like you had a spark before pregnancy. We’re you trying for a baby?

underneaththeash · 13/02/2022 22:30

Don’t worry too much. DH does not like sex after I’m about 28 weeks. I get less bothered then too.
3 kids later we have a healthy sex life.

2021s · 13/02/2022 22:30

This doesn’t sound like a situation which will ever improve.

FennecShandDoesEverything · 13/02/2022 22:33

Honestly, I'm not sure there are many relationships which had a lacklustre sex life beforehand and ended up having more sex after kids without real commitment from both partners, no.

Were you happy with sex once or twice a month? Do you have much nonsexual physical intimacy? Would he ever just get you off with hands or mouth? You don't need to do PIV to be intimate.

Original poster

Hufflespuff · 13/02/2022 22:33

We had discussed it and had stopped taking precautions a few months prior but due to the infrequency of sex I was quite surprised that we did get pregnant relatively quickly. Both very happy.

I wouldn't say that we had no spark but yes sex has always been quite infrequent. He is slightly older than me and has struggled with some ED issues in the past. Doesn't have the highest libido and neither do I so it's never really been an issue but I don't want this to become a sexless marriage from this point. Right now I am huge and suffering from lots of unpleasant pregnancy symptoms so I'm not missing it. But I find myself thinking that most men would be chomping at the bit to get some sort of action even if it wasn't full sex. He just doesn't seem bothered.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2022 22:37

You just have to talk about it. He probably thinks he’s being considerate by not mentioning it, even if he would be up for it, while you’re feeling rejected even if you don’t want to be doing it. Talk, talk, talk. You’re hopefully going to be together a long time so you’ve got to invest in your marriage with honest and compassionate communication, even more so while the physical side is lacking.

Original poster

Hufflespuff · 13/02/2022 22:40

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you that's fab advice, we do need to communicate more. I love him very much and hes a great man. The sex side has never really come as naturally as other aspects of our relationship but obviously it hasn't been non existent either.

OP posts:

Movingsoon21 · 13/02/2022 22:43

I’m in a similar position OP. No advice I’m afraid, but you’re not alone.

I raise it with DH every few months when it bothers me too much and then things improve for a bit before dwindling back down again. Really strikes a blow to the self confidence/ self esteem, doesn’t it?

dancingdaisies · 13/02/2022 22:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Original poster

Hufflespuff · 13/02/2022 23:02

Thanks prior to pregnancy we did have a middle ground that suited us both but the pregnancy hasn't been that smooth and so we've just stopped for now. Which is fine as long as it is only temporary. It can be a hard thing to talk about because most women don't want to badger their partners for sex, you want to feel
wanted.

OP posts:

dancingdaisies · 14/02/2022 00:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

LimeSegment · 14/02/2022 04:22

I was in your situation OP, we now haven't had sex since some time during the pregnancy. Dc is 2 now. DH is perfectly happy with this.

I actually got a birth control implant right after I gave birth, thinking like you do that we may have sex again. It was a complete waste of time, I got it removed after a year.

Thing I've realised is, sex drive/chemistry only goes down over time. If a man isn't that interested in sex with his newish wife/partner, he isn't going to be interested at all in his partner as the years go by.

Movingsoon21 · 15/02/2022 19:01

@LimeSegment have you accepted this/ are you happy with it? Or do you think it will eventually cause the end of your marriage?

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