Was this neglect?

[confusedbunches]

I really struggle with confidence and feeling like I'm an imposter. I find it hard to accept that anyone would love me for myself, so I minimise how I feel to avoid burdening anyone, and go out of my way to be helpful or useful so I can 'earn' time with people.

It's lead to me accepting some pretty crappy treatment from ex partners, my family, from work. I'm trying to work through it.

One thing I'm stuck on, though, is where it all came from. A friend thinks it's from a neglectful childhood, but I don't really know whether mine was actually neglectful.

I'm not very close with my parents, particularly not my mum. I'm the middle of three, and Mum is very close to my sister, and treats my brother like a king. Growing up, they were both really confident, popular children, extremely good-looking, but not academic.

I'm quite plain, did well at school, tried really hard to be agreeable and to earn their praise. There were little differences in how we were treated- Mum used to take my sister out for mum and daughter days, while my Dad took my brother out at the same time. I usually stayed with a neighbour when that happened.

During the school years, my parents were often called in to discuss my siblings' behaviour, and they always went to parents' evenings for them. I was a real teacher's pet and would avoid getting into trouble no matter what. My parents didn't go to any of my parents' evening appointments once I went to secondary school.

Now we're adults, the differences are more down to how much contact we have, and money. I admit I'm jealous of the times they meet up without me, and I know that my parents rarely contact me, and I make the phone calls and try to make arrangements to do things together. Naturally, because my siblings are closer to my parents, they get more help with things like house deposits and money for weddings.

Is this just normal? I know not every child gets on well with their parents, so I have just put it down to us just being different and them preferring my siblings. My friend thinks it's neglect. Maybe it's somewhere in the middle.

No it's not normal, in fact it's pretty cruel to be so disinterested in your own child and to treat the other siblings so well. Have you ever challenged your parents about this massive disparity? There's no justification for it.

Maybe not neglect but huge inequality. I'm so sorry OP. What a rotten way to treat you. I am a mother of 3 and thinking about excluding any of my children like that makes me so sad.

It sounds like alienation which is emotional abuse.

Sounds like a classic case of what you're feeling which is middle child syndrome. I'd be upset too quite rightly.

Sounds pretty normal to me
You do seem fairly intense (based on nothing but your posts). So you probably over think.

Why do you think you are analysing everything?

Why does their have to be a reason?

The past shapes everyone. But the present shapes your now and future. So concentrate on that

It is neglectful and extremely cruel but the upside is that you can now be free of any future ocare obligations towards them. Build your own circle of friends, get therapy and make your own life.

Remember they chose to behave like this so you're under no obligation to care for them when they need it. Your siblings can do all that, you live your best life now.

This is so sad. I found your post pretty heartbreaking to be honest.
I think it’s easier to see from the outside.
You definitely have confidence issues and your parents have treated you badly.
I’m so sorry. How can they go out if their way to help and be with your siblings and disregard your needs? I think what had happened, and I’ve seen it before, is that you were no bother growing up. They didn’t have to worry about you. Always the one who behaved and did OK. They’ve got into that habit albeit a lifetime habit.
It’s not OK though, they have neglected your emotional needs and this has taken its toll.
Can you access therapy, if you haven’t already? Some workplaces facilitate this.
It would be OK to tell your parents that the way they have treated you is not OK and maybe counselling could help you with this.
Can I just say, you don’t have to earn the right for people’s time. You are as worthy as anyone else 💐

Do you think your parents are aware of any of this?

They could be sat at home saying 'phew, thank god middle child is a fully functioning adult who isn't needy with us like the other two'

I don't think you know their narrative and your own narrative might be skewed

Can you remember any good times or times you did get special treatment? Birthdays, graduations?

Again could be you're their biggest success they're just not saying it to upset the others who still need them

Or yes they do favour the others and your quieter personality doesn't gel with theirs

@maddy68

Sounds pretty normal to me You do seem fairly intense (based on nothing but your posts). So you probably over think.

Why do you think you are analysing everything?

Why does their have to be a reason?

The past shapes everyone. But the present shapes your now and future. So concentrate on that

It's not normal to treat one child out of three this way, to take the others out on individual days out with each parent and do nothing with the other one. Nor is it normal to not attend a single parents evening for your child at secondary school, when attending for the other children. I can't see how anyone could interpret that as normal. I can't imagine doing that with my two children. They both have different needs but get equal input in terms of time, attention, etc etc.

Thank you all for the really kind responses.

@maddy68, I guess I am too intense. I thought that maybe understanding why I’m like this might help me avoid it carrying on.

@sass*@Sassypants82 and @budlea64*, I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to cause any upset. I’m accessing support and trying to build a better outlook. Thank you x

YANBU. It shouldn't be like this. It sounds like childhood emotional neglect which can affect us profoundly. Lots of info online about this. Check out Jonice Webb.

Just seen you're accessing support already. Well done. Good luck.

@shakeitoffshakeacocktail, my birthday is a few days after my sister, so i was usually allowed a friend from my class at her party.

My dad did come to my graduation, though, so maybe I am focusing too much on the negatives. I also did try not to cause worry for them, so maybe that’s all it is.

What nasty people your parents are. I’m sorry OP.

@maddy68

Sounds pretty normal to me You do seem fairly intense (based on nothing but your posts). So you probably over think.

Why do you think you are analysing everything?

Why does their have to be a reason?

The past shapes everyone. But the present shapes your now and future. So concentrate on that

It’s not normal at all

OP this is very much not normal. It is normal to have different things and amounts of things in common with people, including your parents. It is not normal for good parents to only spend time with, organise parties for, take an interest in the education of, and give money to some of their children.

[quote confusedbunches]@shakeitoffshakeacocktail, my birthday is a few days after my sister, so i was usually allowed a friend from my class at her party.

My dad did come to my graduation, though, so maybe I am focusing too much on the negatives. I also did try not to cause worry for them, so maybe that’s all it is.[/quote]
The birthday thing is shocking and your story generally is so sad.

None of this is normal and I totally disagree with @maddy68 you don't sound intense at all. I actually think you sound like you are totally undereacting to and minimising your parents frankly HORRIBLE behaviour which no doubt has shaped you and the type of treatment you have come to expect from others.

I would really suggest therapy

@maddy68

Sounds pretty normal to me You do seem fairly intense (based on nothing but your posts). So you probably over think.

Why do you think you are analysing everything?

Why does their have to be a reason?

The past shapes everyone. But the present shapes your now and future. So concentrate on that

It's not normal at all. My parents went and still go to great lengths to ensure my siblings and I are treated the same. My DB got married and was given some money for the wedding. It was made clear to me that the same amount was waiting for me.

Not sure on the parents evening unless again it's that 'middle child is doing great, no need to go'

It doesn't sound fair though

What about your language? Are you always saying 'no don't worry about me' 'I don't want to make a fuss'

Is it possible you send out vibes that you don't like attention or fuss or that you are introverted and don't want to go out?

Again if not then their behaviour isn't fair at all

It’s cruel and I’m sorry you were treated this way.

@confusedbunches

Thank you all for the really kind responses.

@maddy68, I guess I am too intense. I thought that maybe understanding why I’m like this might help me avoid it carrying on.

@sass**@Sassypants82 and @budlea64, I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to cause any upset. I’m accessing support and trying to build a better outlook. Thank you x

Oh please don’t worry about upsetting me. Things around us upset us all the time in the media and online. I’m glad you’ve posted here and I hope you realise that you are worthy. I’ve just realised quite kate in life that my siblings and their families have behaved quite shitty to me and mine for decades. It’s only for my elderly mother that I keep a lid on it but once she has passed I will not give them another thought. The thought of letting go is quite therapeutic to me. Just for now I won’t upset my mum but looking forward to just thinking of my own as my only family. Good luck.

Very hurtful behaviour from them x

*late