Severe Anxiety

[AnxiousAnnie19]

Hi all,

Please be gentle with me as it’s taken a lot for me to come on here and write about my issues.

I’m struggling a lot with anxiety. I’ve always had this issue and it mainly centres around my health and my relationship.

At the moment my relationship is the focus of the anxiety. My partner and I haven’t had the easiest ride together, he has made mistakes and told me lies relating to money and previously took drugs recreationally which was a deal breaker for me. This is now all sorted and he has made lots of changes.

My problem is that I can’t stop being suspicious. I feel on edge all of the time and it’s causing me to not know whether I am being unreasonable in my behaviour or not.

My latest issue is clocking all of the miles on the car. I regularly add them up and it’s 20 miles out. In my mind these are obviously additional journeys that my partner is making that he can’t or won’t account for. He said he isn’t going to sit and write a log of all his journeys because that is feeding my anxiety and enabling me. He also said he is hurt that after working through things I still have such distrust for him and he said normal couples don’t live like this.

I don’t know what to do and wondered if anyone had any experience of this. I know I’m pushing him away by behaving like this and I know that it isn’t normal to do these things. I do however wonder whether I’m justified in wondering where the extra miles are coming from. He only uses the car in the evenings or at weekends and we always know where each other are going so I find it very suspicious that these miles aren’t accounted for.
He said odometers in cars aren’t exact and an extra 20 miles is nothing.

Sorry for rambling, I feel really lost and I don’t know where to turn.

How long ago was your partners lying, money issues and drug taking “all sorted”, how was it sorted and what changes has he made exactly?

Have you been prescribed anything for your anxiety and do you take them?

20 miles is nothing, that’s a few diversions or taking a longer route a few days for most people

If you can’t get past this, and actually get past it not pretend externally while it eats you up inside you need to end this relationship for both of your sakes.

It was sorted around a year ago. All money is now paid into a joint account so nothing is hidden and we have a budgeting spreadsheet so we know where we’re at each month.
He assured me he doesn’t take drugs recreationally anymore and has offered to take tests to prove it which I haven’t agreed to as it feels extreme. I suppose I just have to trust him on that one and I’ve never noticed him appearing to be high so no reason to doubt that.

@Cheeseonpost - yes I take antidepressants and see a psychologist. I really don’t know how to feel better. I’ve always been suspicious even before this and become obsessed by things.
I suppose I just convince myself he’s going places he shouldn’t be going and not telling me but maybe I’m insane

I have to say that if I was your dh, and was subject to my partner checking my odometer all the time, I think I'd leave you. It's very controlling indeed.

I think if you have so little trust in him for whatever reason then it is probably best for both of you if you split.

You can’t keep living worried about his every mood and he can’t keep living worried about how you will interpret his every move.

@Wartywart - yes I understand and I feel awful for accusing him all the time. I suppose I can’t get past the lies he told. I feel like I can’t trust him and just assume he’s going places he shouldn’t be. I used to catch him out in a lot of lies which is why this behaviour has taken hold of me constantly checking and becoming obsessed by things

OP, you don't agree with him taking drug tests because you think it's extreme - yet you're asking where he's going, then checking the miles against your cars odometer. If I'm honest that's just as extreme!

I don't think you're "insane" but from your posts I genuinely think it might be helpful to speak to a medical professional further about your anxiety. Having anxiety related to past events isn't unusual, but for it to rule your life to this extent would suggest you need help. Antidepressants might not be the right medication for you, or you might need a combination of other medications etc. There's definitely help out there!

Getting help for my anxiety was the best thing I ever did - it was like a weight was lifted. I am a more relaxed person now and probably much nicer to people who are close to me!

What do you mean by places he shouldn't be going? 20 miles every 250 miles is not much , every 50 miles it might be. He should not need to account for his mileage exactly. Does he firm for going awol?

I’m basically worried he’s buying drugs. He doesn’t go awol no. He’s always home when he should be but sometimes I think it takes him a long time at the shops for example when he’s gone to pick up a few bits and I wonder if he’s gone somewhere else. That’s when I then worry about the extra miles.

He could buy drugs anywhere locally, your mileage is no proof either way. If you can't trust him why stay in the relationship?

@LIZS - I know this, he has admitted to buying drugs in the past about 5 miles from our house which is where my fixation has come from.

I love him which is why I stay in the relationship but my behaviour is quite toxic I know. I just don’t seem to be able to get over the hump and be a “normal person”

When he gets home do you immediately go and make a note of his car’s odometer?

You know this isn’t right. You’re seeking reassurance from us, either that your behaviour is justified or that it’s going to be ok, neither of which we can tell you. You need to sit down with a doctor again and focus specifically on your anxiety with obsessive behaviours.

Your partner is very patient to put up with that. Not many would. That doesn’t mean he’s lying now though.

What ‘recreational drugs’ was he previously using? Obviously he’s lied in the past so your feelings of mistrust are not unfounded, but your level of anxiety and obsessive checking behaviours are disproportionate.

@T00Ts - no I don’t immediately check, I try not to look but obviously it’s there in my face everytime I get in the car so I calculate it. I know if it doesn’t add up to the journeys I know about.

He was using cocaine which I don’t agree with.

I agree my behaviours are not proportionate. I just feel like I can’t see straight about the situation. I feel like he could be lying and I could be correct that something isn’t right which fuels my obsessiveness even more

It’s often said on here that once the trust has gone out of a relationship, it’s as good as dead. Are you sure this is a healthy relationship for you to remain in?

Has anyone ever suggested that you have obsessive-compulsive traits, as this level of suspicion (bordering on paranoia) is far from straightforward anxiety?

@esloquehay - yes once but the overall diagnosis has been generalised anxiety disorder.
I do know I display OCD traits though in my thinking. I have never been able to combat that though unfortunately and I have done multiple therapies on the NHS.

Severe anxiety usually results in many debilitating physical conditions, many of which may need hospitalising.
I'm thinking that you're experiencing great mistrust and from what you've said, there are certainly trust issues.

It's easy to say 'you need to talk' but that's your first port of call.

Have you ever looked into ROCD? It's a condition of OCD which is themed specifically around relationship issues. It causes addictive behaviours which are very hard to rationalise and ignore. Lots on YouTube about it. I learned about it through my career as I have worked a lot with domestic abuse perpetrators and victims and it is a genuine, popular condition which can really unsettle people in otherwise healthy / average relationships

Sorry further regarding your comment above ( just seen it sorry! ) about talking therapies with the NHS... they really aren't helpful for people with OCD and I really feel for people who are shoved along this route as its rubbish and damaging. There is a really good bloke on YouTube under the channel ocd and anxiety online. He explains self exposure therapy. Also the free app NOCD is great as there's a discussion forum on it for help and support.

If the genders were reversed you’d be the controlling boyfriend, which I’m sure you realise. You have to come to terms with forgiving him or just accept that maybe you can’t and the trust is gone forever.

@AllyBee990 hey what is the mans name on YouTube x