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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

It's all about Dp

5 replies

Userno574328537 · 13/02/2022 16:05

Been with Dp 10 years. We have two dc.

With his family it's all about Dp.

Me, Dp and dc are going through some tough times lately. Too much to talk about really. For example, we all had had covid recently . There was constant messages to the group chat asking how Dp was, they knew we all had it but not once did they ask how dc and I was. Dp was actually the least affected (mainly asymptomatic) but I had constant texts from mil telling to let Dp rest whilst I was pretty poorly myself. They sent stuff over like books and snacks etc for Dp, I do not expect them to do anything but for the grandchildren maybe? Mil even told Dp tk go around there and rest whilst he had covid, despite not actually being ill (headache for one day, very mild cold symptoms). Whereas I was pretty ill.

It's a bizarre mindset. When I had my second covid jab last year, I was really ill... Dp had his at a similar time and had no side effects but mil told him he had to rest whilst she knew I was really ill after mine.

We are going through tough times, I won't go into detail as outing. Constant messaging saying Dp needs to take some out to himself, what about me?!! I know they are his family. But they are always telling Dp to take it easy etc!!

I think they look down on me cos I don't work at the minute, I'm just a SAHP currently. That I must have loads of time on my hands, I don't. Eldest son has additional needs, my life is far from chilled.

In laws have referred to me as a lady of leisure before being a sahp 😅👏 far from the truth. I spend my weeks chasing up things, appointments, cleaning, running errands for my gran who's struggling health wise.

They've always made me feel like I'm not enough.

I do all the housework, Dp cooks and is great with the kids. But he doesn't life a finger Aldine the house.

I know there his family, not mine. But they make me feel like my feelings are not valid. Look down on me etc.

I'm done. I feel like I could end it with Dp over how worthless his family make me feel!!

They always offer support to Dp but never to me or the dc.

I don't need support. But mil is very fond of her daughters boyfriends but not me.

I don't give them any reason to do this. I've shown nothing but kindness to them. Mil has said some awful things to me over the years (usually when Dp is out of ear shot) and I've never argued back, not once. I cannot stand up for myself.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 13/02/2022 16:13

Family's are strange I was 8 months pregnant when ex dh had the snip mil booked a day off work to accompany him and his stepdad to the hospital sobbed over him getting it done deposited him back at out house and instructed me that he was not to walk at all and I would need to help him go to the toilet and care for him I told her to take him home because I was not helping a grown man piss stepdad defended my position stating that wasn't what the Dr said he just needs to be careful she then got angry and said I wasn't to allow him to lift a finger I wasn't to "make him" I said he does nothing here anyway so you can take him back with you we can manage, sadly she left him there

Turns out he was badmouthing me to his mother about all the things I was "forcing"him to do are you sure dp isnt presenting a different view from reality? Saying he is struggling or really sick?

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 13/02/2022 16:19

What does your partner say? Does he acknowledge they're being unfair and derogatory?

He needs to stand up and tell them "I'm ok, OP is feeling quite unwell though. I'm going to give her a rest as she needs it more". For example.

I bet he loves it and that's the real problem.

OkayCoral · 13/02/2022 16:28

Yes, I can relate to this. Hugs. She won’t change, I’m afraid. I know it’s hard. My marriage ended a few years back so now I’m free of this but I can tell you that towards the end, I got to the point of wanting to scream the way I felt from the rooftops. Years of being dismissed, criticised and disregarded by MIL were bottled up. My ex MIL treated her own daughter cruelly at times too so it was never personal, I just wasn’t used to it; my own family are kind people. Very hard to disengage emotionally from it. No advise but I can empathise with this. I hope you have family and friends of your own who care and are kind. Turn to them more is the only advise I can think of to give you.

Crimeismymiddlename · 13/02/2022 16:54

It really is sexism, your dp is the helpless man who needs help, supervision and attention at all times and must never, ever do any women’s work. While all women must serve men at all times and get on with it.

Ragruggers · 13/02/2022 17:06

I think some women treat their sons like helpless individuals.Running around them doing the cooking,washing, cleaning their bedrooms then the leave home totally unprepared for life and expect their partners to carry on with their mother’s role.The lesson we learn from this all boys must be able to look after themselves starting as small children that is the only hope for the future.You MIL will not change her son is still her baby and you took him away.Stay strong and tell himhow you feel.

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