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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inviting people to stay over

24 replies

Anastas1a · 13/02/2022 12:18

My husband had his teenager to stay with us, he had said the night before they would be staying overnight. I arrive home and it appears they have brought a friend to stay. The next day I ask how are they getting home, as it’s getting late and he casually says they are going home tomorrow. I was shocked as he hadn’t mentioned at all that his child was bringing a friend to stay for the weekend, he got quite narky about me asking why he just can’t communicate. He can’t see an issue with it and made me feel bad for even mentioning it, AIBU?

OP posts:

Sometimeswinning · 13/02/2022 12:58

What is the issue? Is it just communication or do you feel uncomfortable with the visitor?

billy1966 · 13/02/2022 13:14

It is not unreasonable at all to be told that someone is coming to stay in a house you share.

So you share it with your husband and his teenage child visits you there?

This teenage child has brought a friend to stay one night, without telling you, which has turned into two nights, again without the courtesy of letting you know?

You knob of a husband has neither basic courtesy nor respect for you.

He gets narky when you ask?

What a twat.

Bet it isn't the first time he's been a twat either.

YANBU.

Merryoldgoat · 13/02/2022 13:21

I honestly wouldn’t care about this but when I was a teen we all stayed at each other’s houses all the time without notice. It was nice and I hope my sons will be able to do the same.

Theimpossiblegirl · 13/02/2022 13:25

Is your husband's home not also his teenage child's home?
Yes they should have mentioned it but it's not the big deal you're making it out to be.

LuckyAmy1986 · 13/02/2022 13:31

Yanbu I’d want to know if someone was staying in my home. I’d want to be asked if it’s ok ideally

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2022 13:49

How would he feel if you had someone to stay without telling him?

Original poster

Anastas1a · 13/02/2022 15:35

I don’t know if I’m just being over sensitive as I don’t have a problem on the odd occasion, it’s more to do with the lack of discussions or even just letting me know in case I’d made plans. Even if my mum was coming to stay, I’d mention it but that’s just how I am, I’d feel strange not telling him someone was staying for the weekend.

OP posts:

FawnFrenchieMum · 13/02/2022 15:39

I’ll be honest I regularly forget to tell DH that I’ve agreed for one of the kids to have a friend stay over, particularly the teen that does not require any additional care from us. DS has friends over all the time tbh.

In some weird way for me I’m less likely to discuss the kids having friends stay over then an adult relative. I think probably because my mum etc would require some hosting. The kids friends just stay in their rooms.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/02/2022 15:45

Mine regularly had friends over, rarely planned in advance. Usually it was a text asking if X can stay over tonight. Teens entertain themselves and don't require much looking after

phoenixrosehere · 13/02/2022 15:48

YANBU

It would have taken him a minute to tell you what was going on. It’s just consideration.

Bran21 · 13/02/2022 15:49

Not been over sensitive at all. It's your house and you should know who's staying and when , even just to get enough food in or organise bedding. You might have decided on a nice quiet and relaxing night.

skipperjonce · 13/02/2022 16:04

So your husbands child stayed in his dad's house and had a buddy sleep over for a couple nights?

I fail to see the issue. It's your husbands home too so by default it is also his child's home. Children often have friends sleepover last minute. They require very minimal input from you.

YABU

Roselilly36 · 13/02/2022 16:06

YABU

Cheeseonpost · 13/02/2022 16:48

YABU, is the home not also your husbands?

Babyghirl · 13/02/2022 17:25

@skipperjonce
Why does it not need any input on the op for, at the end of the day's its her home aswell, abit of respect goes along way, yes its her husbands home to but also hers.

@Cheeseonpost
Yes I would say so, but that here nor there he could of had the decency to at least tell her what was happening in her home aswell.

NotBabiesForLong · 13/02/2022 17:41

YABU. I love an open door policy. The more the merrier. Hopefully this means, in years to come, my grown up kids and their friends will continue to want to come back. This is how it was in my childhood.

Now they are old teens, it is so much easier, everyone is welcome, but more than one friend to stay means they need to bring a sleeping bag so I don't have the bedding hassle to deal with.

I love their company and will be sad when they don't want to stay any more.

So, be careful what you wish for.

Original poster

Anastas1a · 13/02/2022 17:57

Thanks ladies I’m trying to see it from other angles to help me understand mainly why he’s annoyed with me for saying I’d just like to be informed in decisions regarding sleepovers. We were all brought up differently, and in my family home growing up my mum made most the decisions about having our friends sleep over, my dad would say “ask your mother” and the same went at my aunts and grandparents homes. Not saying that’s the right way, just what I saw growing up and maybe I subconsciously expect it to be like that in my marriage.

OP posts:

Babyghirl · 13/02/2022 18:09

@Anastas1a
Its not the fact of sleepovers at the end of the day people saying its your husbands home yea but what they forgetting is it also your home, and you have a right to be involved in decisions. Your deffo not over reacting if you got the house together your husband should at least have the respect to talk to you.

SeasonFinale · 13/02/2022 18:15

Your husband's teenager is your SDC. So a member of your family. Your husband treats the family home and by extension it is SDC's home. Maybe a "Jack is staying over" comment but why wouldn't a teen be allowed to have friends home.

Don't be that step mother who doesn't let their SDC be a part of the family

Original poster

Anastas1a · 13/02/2022 18:21

I think if we had the room then definitely would not really be giving it as much thought, but our younger children are in the bedrooms and when my husband’s children/ my bonus children stay over unfortunately they have the sofa. We are a big blended family rattling around in what seems like a cat litter box!

OP posts:

Theimpossiblegirl · 13/02/2022 18:58

How sad for the step children that their fathers home is not a home to them.

Kite22 · 13/02/2022 19:33

I'm a bit on the fence.
I;m pretty relaxed about teens having pals sleep over.
I find it helps to know ahead of time so there is enough food in but I am pleased that my dc see it very much as their home and know their friends are welcome.

I find your post at 17:57:08 a bit odd. I would expect either parent to be able to make that decision. I would, however also expect either parent to mention it to the other, even more so when the sleeping happens in the living room.

Sometimeswinning · 13/02/2022 19:48

Honestly it's your life and home. If that is how you are comfortable then no amount of my children can have who they want etc makes any difference. Sc always trump sm on here. That's not true. Dont feel guilty, your dh is the issue and needs to sort out what his children are doing and let you know.

harriethoyle · 13/02/2022 19:59

I'm usually on the SMs side but I wouldn't dream of creating about my DHs DSD staying with or without friends and with or without notice. It's their home and they're welcome. I think you're being rather precious, sorry.

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