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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want them to come after baby is born for a week or two

25 replies

Timetobemumanddad · 13/02/2022 05:36

My partner and I have been together 10 years next year we got together when I was 20 and he 27. We did IVF last may due to a health issue that unfortunately affected his fertility but we were very lucky for to it have worked first time and much to his fathers disappointment the baby is not a boy to carry on the family name… we are expecting our baby girl any day now. Last September my partner took me away and proposed which wasn’t completely unexpected but was as his parents brought up in the summer that we should be married before the baby comes so that the birth certificate does not have different surnames of the parents as the child will not “be able to work as a civil servant” they have very different & traditional views and his father is Jehovah witness. Anyway - I decided that even though I had wanted to be married myself before children that it wasn’t my priority and I wasn’t rushing and having a quick wedding to suit someone else’s problem. They went quiet about it for a while but have just last week brought it up again and have offered to pay - first of all there is no way it would all go through and second of all it’s just really upset me and has made me not want them to be involved obviously they will be but to put pressure on someone who is about to give birth just really isn’t ok. AIBU???

OP posts:

DropYourSword · 13/02/2022 05:44

Regardless of any of the back story, even if you got on spectacularly well with them, it is most definitely not being unreasonable not wanting people to come stay with you immediately after you have a baby!!

hulahoopqueen · 13/02/2022 05:45

I think the issue here may be that you've got, as they say, a DP problem more so than a PIL problem.
Tell DP to get the message very firmly across to them to keep their noses the fuck out. That you will get married when YOU want to get married, not when it suits them for you to get married.
My personal suggestion is that generally it's a good legal protection to have in place, and you could always do a small ceremony now and have a proper do later on, but the important thing is that it is YOUR CHOICE.
Also, if DP is wary of marriage but you know it is something you want, I would recommend giving the baby your surname. It can always be changed when you get married (if you're changing yours, and having the same surname matters to you.)

Suzyinthesummertime · 13/02/2022 05:47

Wow, definitely not ybu, as if you haven't had enough to deal with already 🙄. They need to back off and accept its not for them to dictate to you what you should or should not do. Do whatever you want to do and what you feel is right for your family

hulahoopqueen · 13/02/2022 05:48

and yes, you should be able to set ground rules in place for who visits and when/for how long. When DP gives birth he can choose the visiting schedule, however at this particular point in time; it's your body, your baby, your rules.

RedWingBoots · 13/02/2022 05:55

If you don't want them to pay for your wedding then politely decline and then firmly state there is nothing more to be discussed if they try to bring it up again.

As someone who is about to be a mother you are going to have to learn how to tell people "No" firmly. This is because people - mainly older relations - will give you outdated and sometimes dangerous advice on how to bring up babies, toddlers and older children.

Secondly they are dinosaurs. Even if you marry your partner there is no law saying you have to change your last name to his. You could keep your name, he could take your name or you could invent a new one for your family. (The civil service actually doesn't give a shit. )

Also if you do get married after having kids in England you need to re-register them as children of the marriage. This means you can give them your last name when they are born but if you marry their father, you re-register them and they can have the chosen family last name.

Gardeningcreature · 13/02/2022 06:10

Your in laws to be sound awful. Our your foot down. Tell your oh that you will decide when you are fit and we'll enough to receive visitors. Be very, very careful regarding the name you give your baby. Redwingboors is correct regarding names. You are not married, ideally the baby should have your surname which can be changed if and when you get married.
From what you have said, I wouldn't want these people in my house full stop. Do not let them pay for your wedding as they will think they can then call all the shots and you will have very little say in it.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 13/02/2022 06:18

Is that true about not being able to be a civil servant if your parents weren't married when you were born?

No judgement here op, just interesting. I had my ds with dp after 10 years without being married, not rushing to the registry office any time soon either. Its none of their business.

SusieSusieSoo · 13/02/2022 06:24

@OmgIThinkILikeYou

Is that true about not being able to be a civil servant if your parents weren't married when you were born?

No judgement here op, just interesting. I had my ds with dp after 10 years without being married, not rushing to the registry office any time soon either. Its none of their business.

No it's utter bobbins!

Mellowyellow222 · 13/02/2022 06:29

Your in laws sounds unpleasant - and not very bright!

The civil servant point is just weird - I would have to do my concerned face and ask if he really believes that!

Keep your distance - and make your partner handle this.

EstoyCansada · 13/02/2022 06:33

I had absolutely no visitors for 4 weeks with DS2. Best decision ever.

Chocoqueen · 13/02/2022 06:44

Assuming you're in the UK what a weird thing to say about not being able to be a civil servant. I mean firstly it's not true, and secondly she might decide to do something else.
Although maybe if you're not a British national, but in the UK, he thinks if you're not married it means baby won't be British and therefore can't be a CS (also not true, but more understandable).

Anyway, yanbu. Say no.

SexTrainGlue · 13/02/2022 06:54

It's easier to have people round in the first couple of weeks when your DH is around on paternity leave and you can go off and catch up on your sleep and largely/totally avoid them.

If you leave it later, you'll have to interact with them more. Is that preferable?

meditrina · 13/02/2022 06:56

@OmgIThinkILikeYou

Is that true about not being able to be a civil servant if your parents weren't married when you were born?

No judgement here op, just interesting. I had my ds with dp after 10 years without being married, not rushing to the registry office any time soon either. Its none of their business.

No, its total bollocks

And has been total bollocks to my certain knowledge since at lease the 1989s, and I suspect it has always been wrong.

But I would say that if not married, the baby should have the mother's surname (as is traditional) which can then be changed to a family name after marriage if that is what is wanted.

blackdumpling · 13/02/2022 06:58

On the surface it sounds nice for someone to fund your wedding
But if you let them control this decision
They will latch on & control more aspects of parenthood for you in future
Start as you mean to continue OP
IMO

wingingit33 · 13/02/2022 07:19

Also due any day now and whilst my parents will be coming ASAP to meet baby as they're looking after our other kids and will be welcome to come as much as they like from the start, in-laws...nope. They drive me insane. I can't stand them so they can wait a few weeks. They live 2.5hours away compared to my parents 1mile away so they can't just pop in, they stay and I'm just not ok with it.

itsgettingweird · 13/02/2022 07:28

I was coming in to say I don't understand peoples obsession with "their right" to stop grandparents (especially ILs) visiting for a few weeks after a birth.

But in your case I'd keep them at arms length as long as possible! Your DP also needs to explain to them to back off - it's his parents!

wingingit33 · 13/02/2022 07:45

@itsgettingweird because in-laws can be a bloody nightmare

HairyScaryMonster · 13/02/2022 08:05

Totally shouldn't be pressuring you. The timing shouldn't be down to when you are due. And as you're presumably due any day, totally horrible to have a shotgun wedding for no real reason.

It's bonkers having a different name on a birth cert would make any difference to jobs, people don't even see that ID until they've made the offer.

cptartapp · 13/02/2022 08:22

But you're not married? So why assume the baby would take your partner's name?
Why are they so involved? Trouble ahead, keep them at arms length. That's your partner's job.

WetLookKnitwear · 13/02/2022 08:42

@itsgettingweird
Some people are eccentric/have poor etiquette at the best of times, it’s fair to not want certain people as house guests for a couple of weeks after a new baby.

itsgettingweird · 13/02/2022 09:02

[quote wingingit33]**@itsgettingweird* because in-laws can be* a bloody nightmare [/quote]
I'm aware of that!

Mine lived 5 minutes away - my parents 5 hours away (by plane!).

But I still wouldn't have allowed only one set of grandparents to visit because they annoyed me - in this instance though it's a different case. They aren't just annoying.

itsgettingweird · 13/02/2022 09:03

[quote wingingit33]**@itsgettingweird* because in-laws can be* a bloody nightmare [/quote]
I'm aware of that!

Mine lived 5 minutes away - my parents 5 hours away (by plane!).

But I still wouldn't have allowed only one set of grandparents to visit because they annoyed me - in this instance though it's a different case. They aren't just annoying.

Hankunamatata · 13/02/2022 09:17

Two separate issues the inlaws wanting u to get married and them visiting. As to marriage as you said none of their business. Visiting wise, if your family are visiting after birth and dp wants his family to visit then yabu, however they dont have to stay with you.

billy1966 · 13/02/2022 09:53

Start as you mean to go.

You are an adult.

You do not have to accept ANYONE telling you what they want you to do.

They are extremely presumptuous thinking they can tell you ANYTHING.

Tell your partner to sort his family out and to tell them to back away.

Do not have them near you until you want to see them.

Best of luck.

Mellowyellow222 · 13/02/2022 11:04

@OmgIThinkILikeYou

Is that true about not being able to be a civil servant if your parents weren't married when you were born?

No judgement here op, just interesting. I had my ds with dp after 10 years without being married, not rushing to the registry office any time soon either. Its none of their business.

I am sorry but this can’t be a real question?

Do you really think illegitimate people are not allowed to be employed as civil servants?

That would a bonkers and illegal? And totally illogical.

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